Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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Before I was married I had a lot of male friends. I have always gotten along easily with people of the male persuasion. They are (generally) more laid back, uncomplicated and for lack of a better word simple. Women…can sometimes be the exact opposite. Not always, but sometimes. You know exactly what (or who?) I am talking about.
When my husband and I got serious, I let my guy friends slide. We would hang out with them as a couple, but going out for coffee or to a movie with one of them all of a sudden became a foreign concept. The main reason was that I wanted to spend every spare moment with my love and none other. The other reason being that I did not want to give more emotional parts of my heart to someone other than my main man.
This topic occasionally comes up with married friends of mine and they all agree that the best way to guard your heart (and your marriage) is to keep your relationships with men (and for the husbands, women) on a surface level. I would consider my friends’ husbands friends of mine as well, but I am not about to meet up with them for coffee or go out for dinner. That would be weird.
If I run into a guy I know it is not like I avert my eyes or, better yet, run away screaming, “I can’t talk to you! You’re a MAN!” I am friendly, I make small talk, I wish them a great day. I am just not about to build deep relationships with men other than my husband. I don’t want to walk a fine line that can so easily be crossed.
An acquaintance of mine experienced the consequences of that line being crossed last year. Her husband had made a new friend that he started spending more time with. Soon she was his “best friend”. Now she is his new wife.
My husband and I both agree that we have a wonderful thing here. Why would we ever want to risk it? We also think each other are kind of neat, and are each others best friends. There is no room in our lives for someone of the opposite sex to compete for that position. If I was pouring my heart out to another man I can not see how on Earth that would honor my husband, support my marriage, or benefit my family as a whole.
I know that some people are able to have friends of the opposite sex and it appears to not be an issue. It might very well work for them. It is just not an option for me.
How about you? Are you like me and guarded with your heart? Or are you able to be close friends with members of the opposite sex without jeopardizing your marriage relationship?
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I’m definitely more like you. . .it’s just too risky otherwise.
Janssen | October 21st, 2008 at 11:40 am
I’ve always had men friends. It was never a problem. At least not for me. But my BEST friends are women. And my husband.
My husband used to have a very close woman friend that he referred to as his “sister.” It never occurred to me to worry.
I do see your point. And I think it is the better part of wisdom to guard your heart and save it for your spouse.
Robyn | October 21st, 2008 at 12:15 pm
My best friend (aside from Simon) is a man. And my best friends before him were always men (or boys) too. For me, gender isn’t an issue; just because someone is a man doesn’t mean I’m automatically going to be attracted to him in a way that would endanger my primary relationship. (If I WERE attracted to a male friend in that way, though, I would certainly be wise enough to stay away.)
For me, what it comes down to is that I’m sercure and committed enough in my relationship that neither of us feels threatened by the friendships we have–no matter what the gender. (Sometimes same-sex friendships can also threaten a marriage, and not even necessarily in a sexual way…)
It’s obviously different for everybody, but I tend to believe that when people stray from their marriages, it’s because there’s a problem within the marriage to begin with, not that they came upon a temptation too good to resist. People who work to keep their marriages strong are less likely to feel that temptation, let alone give in to it.
Leah K | October 21st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
You and Simon are the couple I was thinking about when I referred to about it not being an issue
I think the difference between you guys and what happened to the girl I know is that you had your best friend *before* you and Simon were together. He’s part of the You that forms part of the You and Simon partnership.
If I were to make a new friend now and put him in the rank of “best” friend I cannot see how that would help my marriage. I think it would most definitely damage the security of our relationship.
Your last paragraph is exactly what I was trying to say. People who are working on their marriages do what they can to protect and preserve them. Couples who stray do not do so if their marriage is a strong and healthy one. Their heart started to stray long before any action followed.
That’s why I’m trying to guard mine
Angella | October 21st, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Yep, I’m much the same as you. I have lots of guy friends, but I certainly do not share my inner most thoughts and feelings with any of them. And I don’t spend time with them alone. Most of those guys are either my hubby’s mates or my girlfriends’ husbands/partners, so we’re always hanging out in group situations.
I do agree with Leah’s comment though - “sometimes same-sex friendships can also threaten a marriage, and not even necessarily in a sexual way” - this is something I think women need to be more aware of. If you are pouring out your heart’s desires and feelings to your best girlfriends, but NEGLECTING to share them with your husband, that’s not healthy. I am glad my husband is my BEST friend, closer than any girlfriend could ever be. I will always share my deepest feelings with him first & foremost. In my opinion, that’s vital to maintaining our close marital bond.
Hannah | October 21st, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I agree with you on lots of points here, but I’m with Leah K in that I have very good male friends that I had before Mike. I don’t see them often, and Mike is always (always!) invited along when I do see them, but every now and then I’ve had dinner with one or two of them without Mike or other females being there. It’s hard for me to let these friendships go b/c they are important to me, and I don’t want to convey to them that their friendship was ever disposable to me (that they were only my friends until I found a husband). Mike and I have a very solid foundation of trust in that these friendships don’t bother him, but I think if I were making new friendships and forming new bonds with people while already married, it would be a different matter altogether.
She Likes Purple | October 21st, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Good point about the difference between friends you have BEFORE you’re married and the ones you make AFTER you’re married. I think it would be extremely hard for me to make a new super-close friend (of either gender) at this point because I already have someone to share my whole self with.
Leah K | October 21st, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I also missed agreeing on the same-sex friendship point that both you and Hannah made. Because I do! I agree!
I have a great group of close girlfriends with whom I talk openly. But they are not the *first* people to hear my deep thoughts, nor do they hear all of them.
Matthew is the first to know anything and everything. He is my best friend above all others. My girlfriends ALWAYS hear things second, if at all.
Angella | October 21st, 2008 at 7:12 pm
I never really thought about it much, but even though I used to have several good guy friends, since I met Troy and got married, I don’t speak with most of them anymore. Though that’s partly because some of them got married and their wives weren’t comfortable with their husbands having female friends. The one good guy friend I still have, Joe, I have known since high school. He’s married to Kassie, and it just happens that he and Kassie and Troy and I all get along really well. If Joe and I were both in Omaha without our spouses, I think we’d definitely get together for dinner (and I’d bring Annalie too) without even thinking about it. And every time we’re passing through their town we stay with them for a night or two.
I don’t think I’d make a good guy friend now, just because it wouldn’t have the need.
bethany actually | October 21st, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I have one good male friend from grad school days, a good 5 years before I met my husband. My husband becomes upset quickly when Brian contacts me or I contact him (which is rarely, and usually is just to update each other on our respective families). It bothers me a little bit, but I try to respect his feelings.
KC | October 21st, 2008 at 8:07 pm
My point of view is pretty much the same as Leah’s. Some of my best friends are male. Of course, my best friend is a gay man and that totally doesn’t count. But I’ve always gotten along with men better and I can’t give that up just because I’m married. Obviously, relationships change. But if I wanted to visit a male friend alone in another city? If Aaron knows the guy, he isn’t going to care.
slynnro | October 21st, 2008 at 11:36 pm
i’ve always been a girl who gets along with men. i like beer. and football. and video games. and cars. and action movies. and, even though i’m married, i still have male friends. and they are just that. FRIENDS. it’s not a sexual thing with my male friends, they just happen to have penises. and happen to have insights and opinions that are different from other women’s.
it comes down to trust, i guess. gabe trusts me. and i trust myself.
ali | October 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
One of my best friends, the friend that introduced me to my boyfriend, is a dude. He and I wouldn’t think twice about going to see a movie together or grabbing dinner or a drink, but what you said, Angella, is probably true - we met before and had a friendship before my boyfriend and I did. It’s an interesting question and one that I think about often as I navigate my new relationship and try to keep jealousy demons (my own) at bay.
Tamara | October 22nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I agree it’s risky to focus your energy on a relationship of the opposite sex when it’s not your spouse. It can open the door to infidelity and/or be misconstrued and cause heartache.
Shannon | October 22nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I’m totally with you on this one, Angella. They are my friends, but it’s not “deep” friendship unless my hubby and I are both friends with them.
Elizabeth | October 23rd, 2008 at 2:21 am
AMEN SISTA! My mother does this. She hangs out with men who are NOT MY DAD all the time and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. But then, she and my dad are just roommates anyway.
No hostility there, right? I totally don’t have anger problems toward my mother. It’s a good thing she doesn’t read this blog.
Anyway, I agree with you completely. I had a lot of male friends growing up, throughout highschool, and before I got married, but they all became a little distant when I decided to give my heart to but one earthly man.
I love these posts. Keep up the good work!
Mrs. Wilson | October 23rd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
[...] the comments of my last post the topic came up of having friends who interfere with your marriage relationship. Choosing to [...]
Moms Gone Wild! - Committed: The Ties that Bond - Work It, Mom! | October 24th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Been there, done that. That is why I don’t get ‘close’ to any of my male friends. I almost got sucked into that trap about a year ago, and will not do it again. It didn’t ruin my friendship with the other person, but, it caused a lot of problems.
My hubby and I argued all the time and I hated being around him. But, at the time, the other person was giving me attention that my hubby wasn’t. I could talk to this person and he became my ‘anchor’ because my hubby was absorbed in his own thing.
Lucky for me, things came to an end before it was too late.
Charity | November 2nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Hey this is Brit again been away for a while just going to school and keeping busy.
Just wanted to let everyone know that the group is up and running. So if you are
a guy or girl and you are looking for a hookup then this is the place ;-).
Go here for the time of your life: http://www.wchurl.info/britney
BiniTaick | December 11th, 2008 at 1:12 am