Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
When I first started this column (Oh, a month ago), I thought that choosing topics would be easy. I am married to the man that I choose to spend the rest of my life with. He is also in this for the long haul. Forever is the destination. Anything short of that is simply not an option.
I have a wide array of websites that I peruse on a daily/weekly basis. When trying to come up with a topic for this Friday post, I came up short with a marriage-related post that I could write about.
I Googled “marriage articles”, and the first ten hits that came up were from Christian-based websites.
Those of you who may not know me apart from my stint here at Work It! Mom may not know that I am a Christian. I am not of the “Repent or Die!” variety, but more of the, “Jesus loves you, so I do too” variety.
For me, marriage represents a covenant before God, witnessed by those who choose to support us on our journey. Divorce is not an option, so we choose to make our marriage one that is vibrant, healthy, and fun.
We figure that if we plan to make it to forever, we should at least have a good time while doing so.
Society (in general) is all about “doing what makes you happy” and “if it feels good, do it”. The “feeling good” may or may not have anything to do with your spouse.
I know why I chose marriage over anything else. A lot of it had to do with my (and my husband’s) faith. Another huge chunk of it has to do with the fact that I want a partner by my side to share my life’s experiences with me.
There are many people that choose marriage, even though they do not share the same faith as I do, or even have a faith at all. Which is totally and completely cool. I personally believe that marrying my husband was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
The question that came to mind while looking for marriage-based articles is this:
Why did you (or are you going to) get married?
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I was in love…
And finally ready to commit FOR LIFE. For us, marriage is a forever thing, too…based on our faith. Some seasons it’s more fun than others, but alwaysALWAYS we’re playing for keeps!
Robin ~ PENSIEVE | October 31st, 2008 at 12:34 pm
It’s funny that you should say that (that it was the best decision you’ve ever made) because that’s how I ended my vows to Mike, “You’re the best decision I’ve ever made.”
I believe Mike and I were fully committed before we ever got married, and even though I think the marriage was something we both wanted to do to unite us as a family, I don’t think our commitment or bond would be lessened if we didn’t have the marriage certificate. I don’t think people who choose not to get married (for whatever reasons) necessarily have a weaker relationship or aren’t in it forever.
I think the marriage was a good choice for us, but the certificate doesn’t make us solid, our respect and love for one another does. The ring, the wedding, the vows, those are all symbols of that love. The love would be there without the symbols.
She Likes Purple | October 31st, 2008 at 2:14 pm
We’re considering marriage because as a stay at home mom I don’t have health care. Aside from that we’ve been happily unmarried for ten years.
Erica | October 31st, 2008 at 2:14 pm
For a long time I didn’t think I would get married. I didn’t feel like I needed to be married to be with someone forever. I still don’t necessarily feel like I NEEDED to marry my husband - I would have been completely happy to continue on in our committed relationship without the actual legal aspect of getting married.
That being said, the 3 months of marriage I’ve experienced so far have made me realize that it wasn’t just about signing a legal document saying that I was married to Shawn. It was about standing up in front of our family and our friends and saying that I love Shawn. I choose Shawn. And he chooses me.
I’m not saying that getting married is the “right” decision, all I’m saying is that I’m happy we decided to do it. If we had decided instead to continue in our common-law partnership, I’m sure I would be just as happy.
hillary | October 31st, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Robin - Hooray for playing for keeps!
She Likes Purple - I have never doubted the love between you and Mike. It is so very, very tangible.
Erica - “Happily unmarried” made me smile. I am happy that you are happy
Hillary - I know a few people who were common-law and then got married…and they say that there is definitely something “different” (All good!) to their relationship after standing up in front of everyone and saying their vows. I’m glad you are liking married life!
Angella | October 31st, 2008 at 2:27 pm
hmmm…that is a good question. I think it was about standing in front of our family and friends and declaring that we were for serious.
We always knew we would be together, but I think maybe saying our vows in front of witnesses…cemented it somehow…
rebecca | October 31st, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Funny (but not) story. The other night Noah and I were talking and could not remember WHY we got married. It was one of those conversations that, if we did not have Faith and were not in it ’til death, we would have parted ways. We’re smart ones over here.
So why did I marry my spouse? Maybe one day I’ll remember (that little period of my life is quite blurry), but I sure know why I’m staying with him.
1. I vowed ’til death do us part and I MEANT IT.
2. Even though we haven’t been the best to each other that we can be lately, I know that if I do my very best, it will make Noah want to do his very best. I’m excited to see how GREAT we can make it.
3. We have fun! Some nights we can hardly stand up or take a deep breath because we’re laughing so hard. At ourselves and at each other. My favorite times.
4. Loveless marriages are NOT good for children. I lived in one (my parents’) for 18 years and I never EVER want my children to be in that kind of negative environment.
5. I have been blessed by God with the perfect man for me. He is not THE perfect man, but the perfect one for ME. I want to enjoy the blessings God has given me and I want to show my Father that I appreciate it by being the best wife/mother that I can be.
Um, sorry, just kind of wrote a whole blog post didn’t I?
Thanks for your posts Angella! They’re thought provoking and just plain AWESOME.
Mrs. Wilson | October 31st, 2008 at 6:39 pm
We got married 2 yrs ahead of our “plan” (HA!) because of immigration…and although we can’t put our finger on it, we feel something is different and we love it. It causes me to question why we planned on waiting so long anyway. I am much less skeptical of young broke ass fools getting married now - since I was one.
As to why I wanted to get married in general, my theory is that the bad stuff in life will happen no matter what and we will have to deal with it (deaths, job losses etc). When the good stuff in life happens, we get to choose if we want to slow down and celebrate it, and acknowledge it, or just carry on with our busy lives. I try to make a point of celebrating the good in my life. Formally exchanging vows was one way to do that.
Lindsay | October 31st, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I have known for as long as I can remember that I wanted to get married and have kids. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I’d say, “A wife and mother.”
Troy and I were good friends for months, and when we started dating it only took us a couple of weeks to realize that we wanted to get married. We were engaged in October and married in March, mainly because he had graduated from college and been commissioned in the Navy, moving away to another state. We got married a bit sooner than originally planned because I just wanted to be with him.
So…lots of reasons.
bethany actually | November 1st, 2008 at 1:52 am
I married my best friend … the love of my life. We waited patiently until it was God’s time and when it was, it was perfect.
Married life is the best life. Now we are just patiently awaiting God’s time for a family.
Michelle | November 1st, 2008 at 10:58 pm
We got married because we love each other, have children together, and (for the most part) ejoy spending time together doing things
What a coincidence that you chose this topic, as, I have been thinking about this for some time. My husband and I have evolved I guess you call it. When we got married, I still had a lot of learning to do about everything: life, being maried, having children–all of it. I have quickly learned that getting married too early can wreck havic because if you learn things after the fact, there is no going back. I’m learning things that might have made me think twice (*yeah, I know).
Although I do love my husband, I have grown, and am beginning to discover things about myself that I had buried during my first marriage (long story) and am finding myself having to work it all out in my head and heart. I guess I will just have to take things slow and pray that my husband will actually work with me and begin to understand me better.
Charity | November 2nd, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Why did I get married to Daniel?
Because, I couldn’t live without him.
Plain and simple.
I couldn’t breathe without him. I couldn’t laugh without wishing I was laughing with him. I couldn’t sleep without wishing he was laying next to me.
Life was not life without Daniel in it.
That is why I got married.
Seven years, three kids, four moves, and one deployment later… I have found out God really knows what He’s doing when He puts two people together.
-Andrea
Andrea | November 3rd, 2008 at 9:24 am
I can tell you that my choice to marry was NOT based on feelings. My marriage is based on committment. I reject the idea of a “soulmate” or “that one person God has for you.” In my opinion, these ideas are a cop out. Marriage is a CHOICE, not FATE. If it is fate, then one is not responsible for the outcome. If it is fate, then failure can be chalked up to marrying the “wrong person.” If it is a choice, then each party is responsible for the outcome and no one can blame anyone but him/herself if it fails. That’s why I tell women all the time, BE CAREFUL WHO YOU MARRY.
That’s my soapbox. LOL.
I chose to marry my husband because, yes, I was and am “in love” with him and he is my best friend. But I also chose to marry him because we agreed that we could and would build a life together based on common values and goals.
Robyn | November 3rd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
hmm i think we got married because we loved one another and we were just ready to get married. and well, let’s be honest, i was pretty darn excited to have a wedding! ha! but seriously, it’s been both easier and harder than i could ever have imagined.
i try not to think about the whole ‘forever’ aspect as that kinda freaks me out. (thats a lot of pressure for a kid who had divorced parents at 3!) so we take it day by day and year by year and leave it at that
kate | November 3rd, 2008 at 11:18 pm
It’s been 12 years and I am still happy that I am married. I believe there is something to waiting on God to bring the right person into your life. Marriage is not always a bed of roses but it can always be filled with joy and happiness. I married him because I love him.
zjojor | November 5th, 2008 at 1:24 pm