Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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In the five short months between getting engaged and getting married, Matthew and I went to a pre-marital course. The course had its cons (We were paired with a more “mature” couple with whom we had NOTHING IN COMMON WITH).
It had some funny moments (A male friend of ours (Who had never lived away from home) thought that a monthly food budget for two people would run about $100.) (Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
It also had some good points. Almost nine years later a few of them still come to mind, and are put into play around here. If something is still working nine years later that says that it might have a ring of truth, no?
Here are the key things we still put into effect on a constant basis:
1. Don’t call each other names.
This might be a “Duh” factor, but we have found it helpful. To yell, “You are such a JERK!” is hardly conducive to resolving conflict.
2.”Always” and “Never” are drama words.
Start phrases with, “You always…” or “You never…” is the equivalent to putting the back of your hand to your forehead and crumpling to the ground in a heap. It is a sweeping statement that can hardly be entirely true. He “never” listens to you? She is “always” on the phone? Really?
3. Speak about your own feelings.
If you tell your spouse that they make you feel a certain way, or that it is their fault that you are upset, they might get a little hurt and defensive. Just state the facts. Starting a phrase with “I feel…” is simply telling them how you are feeling and you can go from there.
“I feel like we don’t have enough time to connect” is a much better conversation starter than, “If you didn’t work so much we would have more time to connect”.
Saying something along the lines of, “I feel like it’s your fault that we are not connecting” is not quite the right approach.
4. Ditch the “should”.
To tell someone that they “should” do something will instantaneously get their back up and cause fire to shoot from their eyes. A better way to approach it is to say something along the lines of, “It would make me really happy if you (fill in the blank).
We have made a joke out of it. If one of us uses the term “should”, as in “You should do the dishes more often”, the other one is fully justified in saying, “You should shut up”. Then we laugh. While spraying each other with dish soap.
Many of the tips we have learned over the years and put into play on a regular basis are outlined in this article I read yesterday.
The one point that I have to disagree with is another tip we learned in our pre-marriage course.
Do not let the sun go down on your anger.
Stupidest. Rule. EVER.
Instead of staying up until the middle of the night hashing (and re-hashing) an issue, GO TO SLEEP. If you stay up until 3 am in order to “resolve” an issue, you are fighting a losing battle. As the hours wear on, you get more tired, more weary, more emotional. This does not bode well for a resolution.
Say good night. Go to sleep. In the morning, what seemed SO AWFUL, AND HORRIBLE, AND IN NEED OF UNENDING DEBATE will seem…
…a little less intense. Daylight does wonders for the psyche.
That is how we roll. We honestly do not fight very much at all, thanks to being inherently compatible. When issues do arrive, it helps that we do not call each other down, or beat issues to a pulp in the middle of the night.
Do you have any great tips for fighting (Fairly!) (Sans violence!) with your spouse?
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[...] post over at Work It! Mom is about how to fight with your spouse. Come on over and bring your boxing [...]
Dutch Blitz » Fighting Fairly | November 4th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I agree with you on all those points. That is how Jer and I do it and we also hardly ever fight. I also find that when either he or I get really upset what we need to do is step away from the situation and take a walk or something. Don’t force your spouse to stay and work it out right then and there-agree to disagree and talk about it later.
Heather-Domestic Extraordinaire | November 4th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
my husband was raised catholic and we took a class called pre-cana before we got married. it was a day-long session where we filled out worksheets and took some “classes” about subjects like how to fight. the best advice we got was to hold hands when we argue. it might seem silly, and i will admit that we don’t always follow this rule, but it’s amazing how grabbing your partner’s hand will completely dissolve so much stress and tension.
makyo | November 4th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Amen to the night-time rule! I think too often we don’t understand the nature of that verse. It actually speaks to the idea of righteous anger and exposing sin in the daylight rather than hiding your righteous anger and allowing the sin to hide in the darkness.
But I digress. Chris and I found the same thing. Sometimes we have to affirm that we still love each other even if we’re hurt and that we’ll work through it when we’re fresh, not exhausted and overly-emotional.
Also–the always and never one–that’s a good one I had to work on as an addicted hyperbolic speaker!
Heather | November 4th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I’m a horrible fighter. I’m all about the drama and sighing and the “always” and “nevers” - I’m trying to be better about it though. The biggest thing for me is to remove myself from the situation. Take a breather and sort out how I feel in my own head before I start spouting off my nonsense
Also, this is not meant to be nitpicky but I wanted to point it out because it made me laugh (and I’m having a crappy day so I want to thank you for the laugh) - “avec” means with.
hillary | November 4th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Jason and I fight very well…really! we have gotten complinments on it!
But we do teh nighttime thing occasionally, and it NEVER works out well. Waiting until morning is ALWAYS better in our books.
And does calling him names in love count? cause sometimes I call him a douche when he does something ridiculously silly…but then i laugh…that is ok, right???
rebecca | November 4th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Hillary - Ha! Some Canadian I am. I knew that, but obviously wrote this too late at night
Fixed!
rebecca - We call each other names to be silly too! We also like to stick our tongues out at each other. Yes, we are mature
Angella | November 4th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
We don’t really take each other seriously. We’re more of the sarcastic type. A lot our fights are sarcastic and one of us is trying to keep our laughter muffled. I can totally relate to the “If one of us uses the term “should”, as in “You should do the dishes more often”, the other one is fully justified in saying, “You should shut up”. Then we laugh. While spraying each other with dish soap.” Hee.
Things are NOT always peachy, but we also learned to NEVER FIGHT/ARGUE in front of our children. EVER.
We learned that “always” and “never” thing at Briercrest and I think it’s a gooder.
I’m with you on the sun going down thing. I’m a MUCH MORE compliant person and I’m way more likely to see Noah’s side if I’ve had a little shut-eye!
Mrs. Wilson | November 4th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I should also add that Noah is very laid back and is not a yeller. At all. I think that also attributes to our never yelling at each other. I can’t imagine what would happen if I married someone EXACTLY LIKE ME!
Mrs. Wilson | November 4th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I am soooo with you on the don’t go to sleep angry rule being just plain wrong. We’ve avoided many fights from getting escalated by just going to bed (yes, sometimes in different rooms) and waking up rested and clear-headed to actually talk through the issues like adults.
Nataly | November 4th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
I am guilty of starting my sentences with ‘You ALWAYS..’ I know its unfair..he doesn’t always do many things I accuse him off. But I guess in the heat of the moment, it does feel like he ALWAYS does it!
You are so right about going to sleep and having a different perspective on the argument in the morning. Kiss goodnight, go to sleep and if its worth it, pick up where you left off the next morning. Many times you won’t even remember what you were fighting about!
Zak | November 4th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
There’s a fantastic book called, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” that touches on fighting within marriage. Interestingly enough, it’s actually pretty important that couples fight occassionally rather than just sweeping everything under the rug and letting things build up for years.
SoftwareMom | November 4th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I have to say that the night time rule of never go to bed angry has its appeal for me, but I think that you don’t have to hash everything out that night. I do think you should decide that you will talk about it in the morning or next day and call a truce. Or change the subject. My partner is very good at getting me off topic and/or diffusing my anger to talk about at a later time. But we always try to make sure to kiss goodnight and say I love you.
I also have a friend who had a fight with her long term boyfriend (whom she lived with), stomped out of the house at midnight to stay with a friend and then came back the next morning to find he had died in his sleep. ( Of natural causes and she couldn’t have done anything if she had been there) But that has always been my thought when I think about the saying Never go to bed angry, in those terms and how much a hug or a I love you would have meant then. It definitely puts things in perspective.
sara | November 4th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
The key to our successful management of conflict is: Steve. He stays cool and level-headed and doesn’t yell. I am way more likely to run away, slam doors, or give the silent treatment but he doesn’t stoop to my level and when I’m ready to be a grown-up, we have a calm, rational discussion about the matter. He’s a keeper.
Amanda Brown | November 4th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
All great pieces of advice, Angella! I would agree with all of them. I’d also add “never fight in front of the kids”. I witness people doing this (I know! Not only do they fight in front of their kids, they fight in front of their FRIENDS!) and it breaks my heart.
You’re right about sometimes needing to wait until morning to hash out an issue - staying up late and arguing when you are getting more and more tired is NOT a good idea. But I agree with Sara, who said it’s a good idea to first agree that you’ll talk more in the morning, rather than just stomp off angrily to bed.
Hannah | November 4th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
sara - I am SO SORRY about your friend. That is just so sad…
I totally agree with you. I think that calling a truce until morning is the way to go. We always say “I Love You” before drifting off as well
Angella | November 5th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Thank you for busting the “don’t go to bed angry” myth. It’s the favorite piece of advice my relatives like to give at bridal showers, and I always have a bad reaction to it. Sometime you really do just need time, space, and SLEEP to get over the issue!
Leah K | November 5th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I like to give myself time to cool down if I need it before we talk about an issue. Thankfully this rarely is needed as we are so compatible - I like that you mentioned that in your post because it’s a huge part of having a good marriage.
Tabitha (From Single to Married) | November 5th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I totally disagree with the not fighting in front of your children rule. How are kids going to learn successful conflict resolution skills if they do not see them practiced? My husband and I disagree in front of our daughter all the time, and we resolve those disagreements in a calm and mature manner so that she will learn to do the same.
If, on the other hand, parents can’t fight fair, then they for sure shouldn’t fight in front of the kids because then the kids are learning the entirely wrong lesson.
Robyn | November 5th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
i agree with the not using ‘always’ and ‘never’ and ’should’! i also like that rule about holding hands while arguing - it’s hard to be irrationally mad and have caring feelings for someone at the same time
Robyn - i totally agree about the fighting! my step mother’s best friend left her husband after about a month because she had a fight with him and thought she had to get divorced LOL her parents never fought in front of her so she was very confused when my step mother laughed at her and sent her home.
however - i dont agree with dirty angry nasty name calling fighting in front of your kids… they learn the bad habits as quickly as the good ones!!
Kate | November 5th, 2008 at 7:18 pm