Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
(This is a post where my husband dies a little inside upon realizing that I am talking about our sex life.)
I don’t plan on getting into gory details (Not that there is any gore involved. Just so you know), but just wanted to talk about having a sex life in general. I am not usually one to talk (Or write!) openly about what goes on between my husband and I behind closed doors.
What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.
However. I am a married woman. Who has borne three children. Odds are I am having sex.
I have read numerous articles in my life about how sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. While my husband believe that our faith in God is what keeps our marriage glued together, sex most definitely helps.
I remember when we were trying to get pregnant with each of our children, there was a two-week window where skipping sex was not an option. We were going to get pregnant or die trying.
The pleasant side effect of all of that scheduled sex was that we felt closer to each other. We were more affectionate with each other, and just had more of that I really think you are kind of neat feeling.
As a rule, we make the effort (Heh) to have sex at least twice a week. If not more.
(Did you hear that? That was Honey falling over.)
We have our days when it seems like it is just “one more thing” to do, but I cannot honestly say that I have ever regretted it after all is, erm, said and done.
(Yep. He’s passed out cold.)
It being the weekend and all, I am encouraging you all to do the same. Have a date night! Enjoy each others’ company! GET IT ON.
(I can’t believe I just typed that.)
Here are a few articles I found this week on this very topic.
Ten Ways To Fire Up Your Sex Life
No need to get to personal (*blush*), but do you do have any tips for spicing up your love life?
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Let me add my voice here because, to be honest, I feel completely free to tell you that I love sex. I love our sex life (by our, I mean my husband and me). Here’s why I think I do:
1. My husband is the only man I’ve ever made love to. We waited until we got married. This means no emotional baggage. We’re free to experience it exactly as it is. And I remember the wait. If ever there’s a night when I feel tired, I think of that wait and am thankful I don’t have to wait any more!
2. We communicate about sex. We can tell each other what we like or don’t like, what we want to try, etc. without worrying about hurting the other person’s feelings.
3. Sex flows out of the rest of our relationship. I adore my husband, and he adores me. We try to serve each other in so many ways (sexually and in every other area of life). This kind of relationship is a turn-on.
Heather | November 7th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I believe that Noah would have the same feelings as Matthew. Plus, he keeps telling me “MY PARENTS READ YOUR BLOG!”
I appreciate this post!
Mrs. Wilson | November 7th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I find it sad that there is so much information out there about what a drag it is and how little people are having sex. I’m always left wondering if that’s really true. I agree that I love sex too. It’s a great way to stay connected with my husband. We enjoy each other’s company in many ways, this is just another way to connect. And this is a way that’s very personal too. We don’t have this kind of connection with anyone else, only each other. I think a healthy and happy marriage spills over into all aspects of my life, it’s priortiy number one for me. Having good regular sex, helps keep it close.
Kim | November 7th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
haha.. ya..
I till my wife that practice makes perfect. We now have one kid.
orlund | November 7th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Sex tips…hmmmm
I’ve always been a little bewildered by the jokes about how sex is bad after marriage. I don’t talk about it a lot and certainly don’t feel the need to share details but I have friends (single and married) who do talk a lot in detail and I know that we have much more frequent (at least 3x week, normally more often) and significantly better sex than they do. Maybe the happy people don’t need to talk about it as much! 
I think there are several reasons things work so well for us:
* God is a massive part of our relationship and we’re connected spiritually as well as physically/emotionally. I don’t think people think about the spiritual side of sex a lot but its a big part of thing.
* We did wait until we were married and were both virgins so didn’t have a lot of sexual baggage to deal with.
* We’re really, really good friends and communicate well. We make it a priority to get time together to focus on other parts of our relationship too. The rest of our relationship is really good so sex is less “loaded” if that makes sense. Its fun and relaxed rather than an obligation.
* We talk about sex, what works, what we’d like to try. It probably helps that I’m a nurse and he’s not a guy to be easily embarrassed!
I hope you can revive your Honey!
Robyn | November 7th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Well, now…you go girl! I’m PROUD of you for posting this! You did o very tastefully and not in a way that disparages your marriage or husband. It’s GOOD to talk about sex in community (note, I didn’t say HAVE sex in community!). When you talk among friends about issues, you might just find help; case in point, a friend revealed a problem she was having and I offered her a suggestion based on experience. She went home, called her husband, he came home from work…and they tried it…TWICE! (IT WORKED). She called me in tears later to thank me, thinking she was stuck w/that problem forever.
I did feel kinda weird the next time I saw her husband ’cause he thanked me, too!
Anyway, good thoughts here; open communication is key. And I’d say years into marriage, it’s good to try new things. Believe me…variety is nicely spicey!
Robin ~ PENSIEVE | November 7th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Good Lord Angella…you work, take care of 3 kids, write a zillion blogs, take amazing pictures, AND “DO IT” 2 or more times a week?!? I bow down to you. You are friggen Super Woman and need to buy a cape!
I will not let my husband read this post.
joyce | November 8th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Hi Angella,
Great post. I agree with everything you said. ( I won’t go into details, I will just say that I agree.)
Your last post on how to to fight with your spouse was very very helpful. I used your tips and felt the difference.
You are like a free marriage therapist online. Keep it up.
Vera Babayeva | November 8th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
There was this one time at band camp…
Oh wait, I don’t play an instrument.
I mean…er…a musical instrument.
Um…okay, digging out.
We love sex. We have sex. Sex is always good, of course, but sometimes it is out of this world amazing.
My tip?
Let your husband get a Harley (specifically a Fat Bob) and wrap your legs…um…GET ON IT BEHIND HIM and ride through the country.
Best foreplay yet.
Also? Don’t eat Mexican Food before coming home to have sex.
I’m just saying…
OMSH | November 9th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Joyce - I can only do all that I do because I am married to Superman (Also, SuperDad).
Vera - Hardly a marriage therapist, but your comment made me smile.
OMSH - Comments like these are part of why I love you.
Angella | November 9th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
One tip I have… If you’re wanting to spice things up, or try something new - wait. Wait until you’re in a totally non-sexual, and kid-free space (doing dishes, or talking about your day or something) and bring it up. I’ve found that this makes it completely, um, pressure free for my husband to discuss. Not to mention putting pictures in his head for later. In other words, don’t spring it on him in the moment, if it’s something you’ve never discussed before. If it IS something you’ve discussed before (and he was amenable) then spring when the springing’s good.
Michele | November 10th, 2008 at 10:41 am
On average I think we “do it” about twice a week, too - but I have to say my hubby could do this every night & regrettably I can’t keep up with him so sadly there are nights when I am just there for him b/c I don’t want to deny him. I just wish my drive was like it was before kids b/c it’s oh so obvious that his still it!!
Great post btw!
MishMish | November 10th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
It’s true–even if you don’t think you’re in the mood, just giving it a try will sometimes GET you in the mood. So why not try?
(I think we’ve been having a little too much “fun” this pregnancy, so in the interests of keeping the baby cooking just a little bit longer, we’re kinda sorta abstaining for now (almost). Booooo!)
Leah K | November 10th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
I agree with Leah - sometimes you just have to start even if you think you won’t be in the mood. Chances are it won’t take you long to get in the mood. And sometimes you are just too tired to “go all the way” (I’m not a teenager - honest!) but there are other things that can be done that are enjoyable as well and we have discovered that those nights usually lead to “going all the way” the next night. Good times!
melanie | November 13th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
[...] is interesting, however, and I don’t think it gets any less interesting when we talk about finding time (and energy) to have sex while juggling work, family, and endless [...]
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