Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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The holidays have come and gone. December is a busy month (BIG understatement). Christians celebrate Christmas, Jewish people celebrate Hannukah/Chanukah, and there are a number of other faiths that also have holidays occurring in December. Love and faith and happiness abound!
In case you were not aware, my husband and I are Christians. Not of the “Hell and Damnation” variety, but of the “Jesus loves you, so I do too” variety.
We met at church, got married in that church, and now attend a church in the community we have lived in for the last eight years. We do not just attend; he is now on part-time staff. But I am not a pastor’s wife. Nope.
Before we met I dated guys who did not share the same beliefs as I did and it caused me nothing but grief. For me, faith is a big part of my life. To not share that with with the person who are sharing your heart with felt like something was missing. Then there was that one who spent an entire drive up to the ski hill mocking me about what I believe in. Needless to say, that was the last time I ever saw him.
I promised myself that I would only date men who believed as I did to save me from any future heartache. I feel blessed to have found someone who shares the same faith as I do. My husband and I are both working together, as a couple, to be more like the God we believe in. We are teaching our children to do the same.
Over the holidays, I was reminded again that there are many couples who work amazingly together, despite having completely different faith beliefs. They love and respect each other and have raised children to understand the faith of each of their parents. The most common ones seem to be those who come from a mixed Jewish/Christian background, and who have made the holidays work in the event that is known as Christmukah.
Love conquers all, indeed.
How about you and your spouse? Do you share the same religious views?
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Interesting you bring this up. When I was looking for Mr. Right, I didn’t get care about religious view. Most importantly for me was that I marry someone who accepts me for who I am and loves and respects.
But today, after being married for 7 years, having kids and being close with my parents and siblings, I am glad I married someone who shares my religious views.
Although there is an occasional argument about whether there should be pork at home or if we should work on a Saturday (we’re jewish), we share very similar views and I think it worked out very well for me.
vera babayeva | January 6th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
We share the same religious views in that we don’t have any. Neither of us were raised in a religious household so we have that in common, I guess.
hillary | January 6th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Yes, Rob and I share the same religious views. We are both born-again Christians (also of the “Jesus loves you, and so do I” variety). And like you & Matthew, we met at church and got married in that church. We still attend the same church today.
I don’t think it would be possible for me to share my life with somebody who had different religious beliefs or faith. It’s such a big part of our lives, and to not share that would be impossible. We pray together, read the bible together, worship together. I feel that leads to greater intimacy in our marriage, more so than anything else we share together.
Hannah | January 6th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
We are of the same view - one that we both think there is some sort of spirit guiding things but that we both dislike/distrust organized religions and churches. We are both very curious about religious views and study them far and wide and are a bit awed by what is said and done in the name of a “god”.
I grew up very involved in the church and saw it for all the farce it was as I got older. My hubby was church-going but not as involved. We both are much happier without it. As for our daughter, we try to expose her to as much as possible and will allow her to make her own decisions when she it older.
ikate | January 6th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Well, I’m not married, but I came closest to marrying (a) a Chinese-American atheist, then (b) a Hindu-Sikh Indian. I live with a Hindu and an Orthodox Christian. I was raised Protestant after age 5; before that, my parents had agreed not to discuss religion since they always had arguments over the difference between their Jehovah’s Witness and Christian Scientist faiths. Hmm.
I love religion and am pretty open about it. I have studied all of the major ones in depth, and I really believe they are all fundamentally “right.” It’s those competing “bells and whistles” that gum up the works. I am friends with various couples whose religions are very different from each other - from Catholic-Buddhist to Hindu-Muslim. People who are able to look beneath the surface find that their religious roots offer a lot of food for thought that can help them grow together. As for their children, they can develop the truest form of tolerance I observe in this country.
SKL | January 6th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Yes, we do. We became good friends before we found out that we were not only both Christians, we were actually raised in the same denomination. The guy I dated in high school was of a different faith and it was really hard, so I sometimes think half the reason I married Troy was just that it was so great to share the same faith background! Not really, but it really was a night and day experience.
bethany actually | January 6th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Yes, we do. It was a prerequisite to marriage, for me. My faith is such a closely and fiercely held and intimate part of me, I absolutely could not have married someone who believed differently than I do.
I do know others who seem to be able to do it successfully. However, in these situations, it usually works because one of them is rather less devoted than the other and doesn’t really mind the one practicing his/her religion devoutly. Otherwise, it does seem to be a point of contention in the relationship.
Robyn | January 6th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
No, and I never thought this was that big of a deal until we had a big fight over it Christmas night. I was raised Christian (I’m from the South, so of course I was!) and he’s far more into Eastern-type religions, believing in karma, the universe, etc. He would come to church with me on holidays, and knows most of the Bible stories, so I never really saw our differences in belief as a problem. But it might turn out to be…let’s hope it isn’t because I would hate for a relationship we’ve worked so hard on to be null because of a minor difference in beliefs.
Camels & Chocolate | January 6th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Yeah, we’re the same faith, in that we’re both atheists. If we were ever to have children (which we don’t want), we would also raise them in an athiestic manner, but one that is open to anything. We both have friends who are of various different religions, and we tend to find that we are all very open to each other, and help each other celebrate in whatever way is appropriate for our friends, for whatever the occasion is.
Meg | January 6th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I think having the same morals and values are more important than having the same faith.
Lylah | January 7th, 2009 at 12:07 am
We didn’t when we met and married, though they are becoming more similar over time. I won’t say which way is winning (Christian or not Christian), but to us it is just so not a big deal. I can certainly see how it would be something that would bring you together, but neither of us grew up in religious homes and so even if we never agree I don’t think it will matter. If we ever have children, our way of dealing with this will be to present all manner of religion to the child so that if they want to become involved in a religion, there is some sort of background that will allow them to do that without it feeling entirely foreign.
slynnro | January 7th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Sadly, no, not really. This is also the main reason I do not attend church like I want to. We once had a discussion about the fact that he did not want our children attending and being ‘brainwashed’. We finallly compromised and he agreed to let them go because I put my foot down and told him it was my decision, too.
I tell myself all the time, if I had it to do again, I would have put my faith first in picking someone to spend my life with, because it’s easier to believe in something when you have someone who shares the same views.
Charity | January 8th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Yes, I think it’s very important, at least for me it is. I also think it depends on how strongly you view religion as playing a role in you and your family’s life. I can’t imagine my life without religion and I can’t imagine my husband sharing that view. Thankfully, he does.
Tabitha (From Single to Married) | January 8th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I was raised VERY strongly right wing, and Jason was raised without any religious affiliation whatsoever. At the time we met, I had given up church because I was tired of the hell and damnation types. after we had a kid and got hitched, I found a Jesus loves you and I do too church, and have gotten my faith back. Jason goes with me sometimes, because he likes the laid-back vibe. But he is still not really into the faith thing. However, the only arguments we tend to have about it are when we are forced to go to his mother’s VERY TRADITIONAL church for family occasions.
rebecca | January 8th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
My husband and I became believers before we were married, so that was an advantage for us. We serve together at our church. We pray together , talk about life issues based on our faith. We have encouraged our daughters to date men that are not resistant to God and the local church. You need a faith based foundation, when the sprms of life come pounding down!
Therese | October 26th, 2012 at 4:15 pm