Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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Most of my posts written here about my marriage are full of sunshine and daisies, puppies and unicorns. I happened to marry a man with whom I am highly compatible with. He is also so laid back that it is borderline ridiculous; if he had the same fiery personality that I do IT WOULD NOT BE PRETTY.
This is not to say that he is perfect. He can be a wee bit passive aggressive at times which makes my blood boil to a point where my face splits in two and my head spins in circles (Figuratively, not literally.) When he pulls the passive aggressive craptastic stunts I call him on it and we duke it out (Figuratively, not literally. Of course.)
He knows that he is doing it, and even after nine years together it still takes a day or two of me asking him to TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG ALREADY for him to speak his piece. We hash it out, hug it out, and move on. He is getting better at communicating and I am getting better at not riding his arse to JUST SPEAK ALREADY.
It works for us.
The one thing that he has still not learned is when to KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY iwhen it comes to the teasing. Teasing is a sign of affection. I get that. I can dish it out like none other, and grew up in a family that is all about the teasing. We tease because we love. Or something like that.
There are days, however, when I am not up for the teasing. These seem to be the days where he is ALL ABOUT THE TEASING. Seeing as how I am NOT passive aggressive, I will tell him outright that I am not up for the teasing. He should cut it out, lest he find himself with a fork in his eyeball.
For some reason he thinks I am kidding. Or he is deaf. Or he is just in that I WANT TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY mode.
He keeps at it, making barbs, giving me a hard time, MAKING ME NUTS. I keep telling him that I am not up for it, that I am sensitive that day, that he is walking on thin ice.
And yet, he persists. He thinks it is funny to push my buttons even though I have clearly stated that THIS IS NOT FUN. He keeps laughing, I keep getting grumpier and grumpier. It is all sorts of awesome.
This is not to say that I do not push his buttons. I just think that he does it more than I do. For I am a perfect wife who makes sure that she does not do anything to offend her husband more than he can bear. Riiiight.
How about you? Do you and your spouse do certain things to push each others’ buttons? Please dish.
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Let’s see … if I really want to push Shawn’s buttons, I put on a nonchalant attitude and sigh “whatever” a lot. It riles him up like nobody’s business. Or I tell him to leave me alone - those words drive him absolutely nuts.
To push my buttons, Shawn’s all about noise. If he really wants to piss me off, he’ll put on loud music and drum along with it. It is all kinds of awesome. And when I call him on it he tells me he’s a musician and he’s just practising his craft and why can’t I be supportive? Grr.
hillary | March 10th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I’m the passive-aggressive one, I hate it but don’t know how to rise above. It’d help if he didn’t quantify and refute everything I do end up saying. So I say nothing.
Pushing his buttons is easy - Nag. Or tell him to do something he was already doing or going to do.
monstergirlee | March 10th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
My husband does this too at times. I have only two ways of dealing with it. I quit speaking to him altogether, which makes him whine and after a few minutes of my non-response, he stops. The other way is that I fire back better than he can. This usually stops it right away, too. He can dish it but he can’t take it so it works.
Oceans Mom | March 10th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
What is it with passive aggressive men? I must be cursed. I am tired of pointing out the obvious. This is no way to live life.
I have a wonderful honey in every which way. But Im not sure I can come to terms with this. Im tired of being the one who points it out. Its like everyone is a pussy nowadays. Maybe its because Im from Texas but you pretty much deal with a problem then move on. Hiding it under a rug seems stupid and fearful.
Can you tell this is our major argument? Except its me arguing and silence on the other side.
gwendolyn | March 10th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
OK. The more I read about Matthew, the more I think that he and Rob were twins separated at birth!! Rob can be passive aggressive, too. Like Matthew, he is getting better at communicating, but it still bugs me sometimes.
Would you believe that Rob pushes my buttons in much the same way that Matthew pushes yours? Again with the twin thing! Anyway, Rob likes to tease me and hassle me about things, and it used to REALLY wind me up. But I have learned not to “bite”, because that is what he wants! He wants a reaction, to know that he has “hit the target” with his hassling. So to push HIS buttons, I will just bite my lip and let all the teasing wash over me. It’s hugely fun. He is trying to get a rise out of me, and I am ignoring it. We are trying to push each others buttons by pushing each others buttons, hehe!
Hannah | March 10th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
The more I read these, the more I see the weird similarities between our two marriages. I’m a lot like you - Noah is a lot like Matthew (in personaltiy, but not at all in interests) - which makes your posts all that more appealing to me.
Noah loves to tease me on my I’m-just-not-that-into-it days too. He’s also SUPER cheerful when I’m mad at him. It drives me INSANE. And when we’re having a particularly not-getting-along kind of day, he’s extra nice to everyone else. He WILL NOT be the first to say that he is sorry and will continue with the silent treatment until I break. He says it’s funny when I’m mad and that more gets done around the house. Hmph. He’ll do things with a half-ass effort (read: he doesn’t do things how I do them) and he’s SO INTENSELY stubborn.
How do I push his buttons? Well … his buttons are not as easily pushed as mine are - and I honestly can’t think of a specific thing. But, I love it when he clenches his teeth together and says, “You make me SO angry!” I laugh and walk away and moon him.
Mrs. Wilson | March 11th, 2009 at 1:44 am