Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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This past weekend was a rough one in our house. Friday night (or technically, Saturday morning) consisted of a date between me, the porcelain throne, and my husband who was rubbing my back. I had the distinct pleasure (if you can call it that) of experiencing food poisoning. Awesome.
Saturday night, our eldest child complained that his right eye was itchy. Come Sunday morning, both eyes were itchy, red, and oozing green slime. After a wait in the doctor’s office that took well over an hour, he was diagnosed with pink-eye. Nothing that a little antibiotic ointment won’t cure. We just need to find a way to actually get it into his eye.
Sunday afternoon our next-in-line, also a boy, complained that his tummy hurt. We sat him on the couch and procured him a plastic bowl. Which he proceeded to fill with the contents of his stomach. Three times.
Fast forward a few hours and our youngest, a girl, started rubbing her eyes due to the green slime coming out of it. Looks like another round of pink-eye. AWESOME.
Our situation here at home is such that we are both self-employed. Whoever is “less” busy does “more” of the parenting. Since my husband’s industry is pretty much dead right now, and I am back at an office for four days a week, he is the parent who gets to deal with sick kids while I traipse off to work.
I have often wondered what it would be like if we were both employed outside the home. I have female colleagues who have children and it seems as though they are the ones to stay home with their children if they are sick. This seems to be a given in their marriage relationship, even though their careers are highly respected and in demand. I would ask them how it gets decided who stays home with the ill child(ren) but it isn’t really my place.
So here is where I ask you guys. How do you decide which spouse stays home with sick kids?
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It is a given that I stay home if our daughter gets sick. I generally have vacation time, and he does not. And if I’ve run out of vacation time, well, I get paid less that he does. So its “cheaper” for me to stay home.
Also, my husband would have no clue what to do with a little girl that is throwing up or running a 102 fever.
Erica | March 31st, 2009 at 10:44 am
We’re like you in that we’re self-employed so we just sort of trade off throughout the day, taking turns working then soothing whomever is sick.
Right now, my little one has a cold and didn’t sleep well and it’s all on me because this week my husband is actually on-site for work, but on a normal day we’d still stick to our routine.
I’ve often wondered too, how the moms generally seem to be the ones to stay home when both parents work out of the home though. I don’t know if it’s just a throwback to traditional roles or what. I do know that there are a lot of kids at my older daughter’s school who get sent to school even while still sick because their parents can’t manage to get the time off for any more days in a row, and that must be so hard, emotionally speaking.
Sherry | March 31st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Well, since I work from home, it gets to be my job. That is unless hubby is off work and then he gets to deal with the craziness of doctor’s appts.
Domestic Extraordinaire | March 31st, 2009 at 3:00 pm
We both work outside the home. My husband is in his first year at a job so I typically stay home or grandparents come help (which is hard because they live a good distance away). No matter what, it is always difficult to balance but we get it done.
Katie | March 31st, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Usually I do, but only because I work from home. When I was working in the office, we would do it in shifts. If one of the boys was sick, Rob & I would each work half a day. Even now, Rob will stay home and look after sick kids if I have too much work to do. But usually it’s not a problem for me to work while they are home sick, as most often they are just lying in the couch watching DVDs or else sleeping. The “chicken pox month” last June was a bit harder, as they weren’t really sick, just contagious! I ended up taking a fair amount of sick leave.
Hannah | March 31st, 2009 at 3:48 pm
This isn’t an issue for us right now, as one of us is always home, but when we were both working, we chose financially - if we lost less money by me staying home, I stayed home, and vice versa. We are quite equal in the parenting department, so it was never a gender role thing. If he’s working more, I do more parenting, and if I’m working more, he does more parenting.
For a while, I was working for my husband’s dad, and therefore could take time off and make it up later, so I was the one to stay home.
Jen | April 1st, 2009 at 2:23 am
I am the one who takes care of the kids on school/workdays since I have a work-at-home job. The kids know to call me when they’re not feeling well at school and I’m usually able drop what I’m doing to get them within 15 minutes. Now if my husband had a work-at-home job like I do, he’d take the “nurse” role. He’s proven to be just as capable of handling the kids’ illnesses.
Grace | April 1st, 2009 at 4:54 am
My hubs and I both work outside of the home and when my son is sick, I am always the one who stays home with him. It’s just the way it has always been! And it is fine with me.
Beccabt | April 1st, 2009 at 8:45 am
My husband and I both work outside of the home, but I typically stay home with our 19 month old son when he’s sick. My husband is in sales and if he misses a day, he misses out on that commission. I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home when I need to, so I can squeeze in some work at naptime or after he goes to bed. There have been some days when I have to be in the office, so my husband and I will split the day. I’ll go in really early and come home around 11, then my husband goes on to work. Something that has really helped us too - we talk on Sunday nights about our expected level of “busy” for the coming week and discuss who would stay home if needed.
KJ | April 1st, 2009 at 9:43 am
This has practicaly turned into a huge formula for us. In general, whoever doesn’t have the big meeting (or whatever) going on is the one who stays home.
However, I don’t have any sick leave left (thanks to maternity leave) so if I stay home, it’s leave without pay. And since I make more than my husband, me not getting paid for a day is a bigger ‘bite’ out of our income than if he stays home.
So, othe other consideration is “How are bills going this months?” If we’re doing okay, I’ll stay home. If not, he does (big meetings or not).
CAH | April 1st, 2009 at 10:43 am
While I was nursing my baby I stayed home if either of my kids were sick. I prefered it to going to the office and pumping, even if it meant that I was at home with a pukey child. Now that my son has weaned, my husband and I split sick kid duty based on our workload at the office, how much sick leave we have left, and if the kids specifically request one of us over the other.
Catherine | April 1st, 2009 at 2:04 pm
typically, it’s me that stays home with my son - just seems to be a given…unless i’m out with him a few days in a row and then i don’t give my hubby a choice!
karen | April 2nd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
My husband and I both work outside of the home- and are both contractors to our employers. IE. Dont work the hours- don’t get paid. We have decided to take turns. It seems to help break up the brunt of having to pick up twice a month from daycare for ‘teething fevers’. It spreads out the ‘having to go pick up the boy’.
Kate | April 2nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Funny, we had a tiff about this earlier this week!
My husband works in the theatre industry, where things are scheduled down to the last minute. Depending on where they’re at in the schedule there are sometimes that if he didn’t show up, the show would NOT go on….and we all know that the show MUST go on! I got irritated this week after my third day at home, because dispite the fact that things are incredibly busy for me at work right now, and there were things exploding all over the place, I was the one at home with the barfing kid because hubby could not NOT go to work. Today the inlaws came to the rescue because I couldn’t deal with a 4th day at home!
So, in short, it’s usually me…sometimes it’s a bit annoying that my husband’s job wins out over mine - it makes me feel that somehow what I do at work is less valued compared to his job. However, at the same time, I agree with the first comment….I’d be scared at what I’d come home to after hubs spent a day with a puking toddler! At least I manage to keep the washing machine running!!
Jenn | April 2nd, 2009 at 8:05 pm