Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
|
I was a bit stumped last week for topics to write about over here and threw it out to my Twitter peeps (Which sounds so cool, but I assure you that I am not). I asked for suggestions about post topics and was inundated with suggestions. The one that stuck out as the forerunner was the following reply:
Surviving the first few weeks of parenthood without killing each other and staying connected. Because HELLO CHALLENGE.
Oh, man. It may be a little over six years since we first brought home a newborn baby but the feelings from that incredibly life-altering stage came rushing back when I read that response to my question.
For those who have not have babies, I will tell you a secret. Newborn babies are a miracle. They are silky and soft and make your insides feel as though they are melting into a pile of goo. They also turn highly intelligent beings into mumbling zombies who will do anything and everything for more than TWO HOURS OF SLEEP.
Before we had our first baby we had all of these grand plans to keep having our weekly date nights and remain connected as a couple even after we had introduced a third member into our family.
The we actually had a baby. We muddled our way through breastfeeding, sleepless nights (and days) and adjusting to this new reality of life as a family. This is where I hang my head in shame and confess that the first time my husband and I went on a date after the birth of our firstborn was when he was six months old.
SIX MONTHS OLD.
We finally got back into our groove and when baby number two arrived? Our first date night occurred wen he was three weeks old. Yes, my chest was close to exploding, but it felt good to connect with my husband apart from having conversations over the barrel of our kids’ butt-cracks.
A few ideas to help your marriage thrive in the midst of the hurricane that is a newborn baby:
1. Date nights. DATE NIGHTS. It doesn’t have to be an all-night affair. Meeting together for an hour over coffee (sans baby) can do wonders for your psyche and help you remember why you married this sperm donor/uterus provider in the first place.
2. Figure out what you need to get through the first couple of months, help-wise. Talk about what both of you expect during the stage and communicate what you need in order to KEEP YOU SANE. When we had our first son my husband was employed outside the home. While some women would like a husband to make dinner for them, I was the opposite. He would walk in the door, I would hand him our son, and I would get to have some “me time” in the kitchen.
3. Sleep when the baby sleeps. I know that people tell you this all the time in your role as a mother, but it is also important in your role as a wife. The hormones are raging, you are leaking from every possible area that you can, and unless you are an alien you might be a little out of sorts with your body in its post-baby gelatinous form. Throw in extra exhaustion and you may or may not have fire coming out of your eyes and shoot it in the direction of your husband.
Can any other Moms out there give some advice to the newly-inducted members to the craziness that is a family?
Subscribe to blog via RSS
This is the toughest time in a marriage, and when couples are most likely to divorce, I think. Just get through it. Recognize that this is not how it always is or always will be. Do NOT make any major relationship decisions based on the chaos that is your life for the first year or two after a new baby.
Robyn | April 7th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
This was a trying time for me, because of the PPD (with both boys). If my husband had not been so strong, loving, helpful and supportive, it could have also spelled MAJOR trouble for our marriage.
I absolutely agree with your tips above. I could never sleep during the day (still can’t) but at least REST while the baby sleeps. I made the mistake of trying to do all my housework because I am a perfectionist. I was exhausted. I learned that it was OK for me to sit and read a book or watch Oprah while the baby slept. In fact, it was more than OK. Being tired and having broken sleep can make even the most chipper person grumpy. Having a grumpy spouse can lead to fighting. Having 2 grumpy adults dwelling in the same house can lead to all-out war. Sleep deprivation has a LOT to answer for! And keep the lines of communication OPEN. Talk about how you are feeling. If I had kept my feelings inside instead of telling my husband how I was feeling, I probably wouldn’t have gotten help for my PPD. He encouraged me to see a doctor, he knew I was struggling. Bottling it up would have made everything SO much harder, and he would have thought he had married a raving lunatic (well, he kinda did … but at least he is fully aware of the fact now). LOL
Hannah | April 7th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I can’t think of anything else. OH! Don’t commit to too many things, or ANYTHING, in the first couple months. I went back to work (with the baby in tow) 12 days after giving birth to Liliana. It was HELL. But I’d committed to running a kids program and worked pretty much full time until she 3 months old. STUPID.
I think you got the major ones though. I never did the sleep-while-the-baby-sleeps thing - I think I should have though!!
Mrs. Wilson | April 7th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Tip one: Husband must not disappear or escape from helping with childcare.
Tip Two: don’t be afraid to ask for help or invest in childcare and get some me time or we time.
vera babayeva | April 7th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Bringing home our son (11 months ago) nearly destroyed our strong, 11-year marriage. Seriously, I thought we had just made the biggest mistake of our lives for the first couple of months.
Part of the problem — I believe — is I didn’t know WHAT to expect, so everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I also struggled with post partum depression, which was just crippling in many ways.
What I would tell people who are expecting is this:
– You will never have your old lives back again, and that can really be cause for mouring. So go ahead and mourn it.
– You will rarely have time to yourself or an option to do things on your time. This again is cause for mourning, so let it out.
– Unless your seasoned parents, you guys are going to fumble and flail around a lot. Just support each other as much as you can. If anything, you’re making crappy decisions together.
– GET HELP. TAKE HELP. From anyone and everyone. Get someone to watch the baby for a couple of hours and sleep or just do stuff you want to do. Let people come over to do the laundry or whatever — just get and take the help.
In all, having a baby is an adjustment that blows your world apart. But, it will come back together, I promise.
My husband and I are now doing fine — some counseling and Wellbutrin prescriptions later, but we’re hanging in there. I’m used to this life — what is now my new life.
But that took a long time, so my other advice to new parents is to never compare or measure yourelves against other people with babies. Some parents will take to parenthood with no problems, some will struggle more than you are. Either way, it’s okay — we all need to take our own time in figuring these things out.
CAH | April 8th, 2009 at 11:27 am
I’d add that it’s important for both spouses to tell each other what a good job they’re doing as a new mother/father. It’s so easy to get frustrated and snippy when you’re tired and overwhelmed, so it really pays to remember that a few nice, encouraging words can make a huge difference.
Leah K | April 8th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I agree with the comment “just get through it.” It WILL get better and much, much easier. Just get through the first six months and you will survive. Even if you don’t go on a date for a very long time (we had zero family nearby to help AND we were barely paying our bills on only one salary, so date nights were literally not possible. We’re still married. We survived).
If you have people around you who can help, don’t just accept help, ASK for it. It’s desperation time. Ask for whatever you need and be shameless about it. I would have given anything for nearby relatives to give my husband and me the tiniest break from our infants. People are generally willing to help if you just ask them.
Shannon | April 8th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
We are expecting #2 in June, and already have a 3 yr old boy. I’m not sure i remember what to do for an infant, but i do remember the hell of recuperating from delivery amongst a seemingly endless stream of visitors. Its okay to tell people no. You don’t have to welcome your entire network of extended family, friends & co-workers to your door everytime they call. They will understand if you are honest.
Also, when your MIL offers help - take it. If her doing your laundry it too weird, maybe she can do something else. Just don’t refuse help when its offered, you’ll be glad for it later.
I think some of the best offers we got were for meals. We ate a lot of take out and packaged food when #1 came along; i want to avoid that this time if we can. So, anyone who offers to make us dinner (or lunch, or breakfast) is going to get a yes this time around!
MamaKerr | April 9th, 2009 at 8:36 am
OK, I agree with everything that’s been said here, but I have a slightly different perspective than most. I left my husband when my daughter was 3 months old.
My ex-husband was/is an alcoholic who was taking 6 types of prescription drugs–one of them an antipsychotic, none of them meant to be mixed with alcohol–on top of the alcohol. He also had 5 handguns in the house, at least one of them loaded at all times.
I have since spoken to several women who left their alcoholic and/or abusive husbands within weeks or months of giving birth. I think that something happens inside a mom that makes her willing to protect her child even when she is unable or unwilling to protect herself. I realize that 99.999% of new moms out there are NOT in a situation similar to mine, but I want to give voice to the .001%. (And yes, I just now made that statistic up :).)
If you feel threatened by your husband or think you or your baby may be in a dangerous situation, talk it over with someone you trust. Hopefully, that person will be able to give you honest and objective feedback.
Just me | April 9th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
My name is Melony, i had a problem with my husband sometimes ago but never knew what the problem was,i tried to asked him but he refused to tell me what it was as time goes on i discovered he was having an affair with a friend of mine that happens to be my best friend,i was so sad that i never knew what to do next,during my search for a way out i met a friend of mine who had similar problem and introduced me to a man who helped her with his situation,on getting to the man i discovered he was a spell caster i was shocked because i have not had anything to do with a spell caster in my entire life so i tried to give this man a chance cos i never believed in
spell casting as i thought it will not work for me but to my surprise i got positive results and i was able to get my husband back from her even after the spell caster did all. i discovered my husband fell much more in love with me on like before so i was so happy that i never know what to do for him so i am using this opportunity to tell anyone on this blog havin similar problem visit thegreatoracletemple@gmail.com and your problems will be solved……MELONY
Melony | December 14th, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Alisia said:
the Great Spell Caster that saved my Life ODUDUWA: oduduwasolutiontemple@gmail.com
MY NAME IS Alisia,., My ex left me with so much pains and since then i have been heart broken and shattered.I have contact 15 adviser and they have not been able to help me, until my friend told me about Dr. Oduduwa spell that she used in making her husband love her and never to live her, she was a living testimony and i was desperate to try anything that would bring back my fiance. I have Emailed Dr. Oduduwa, at first i never believed because he was requesting for some amount of money to buy items, it took him three days to convince me and something occur to mind and i said let me give him a trial.I was very shocked when Robbin called four days after i sent Oduduwa, the items money. He apologies for all he has done wrong and i am very happy that we are together today because he proposed to me last night.I will advise you contact oduduwasolutiontemple@gmail.com because he has done wonders in my life and i believe he can help you out in any problem contact email; oduduwasolutiontemple@gmail.com
Alisia | February 14th, 2013 at 1:21 am