Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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This little corner of the Internet is reserved for topics about marriage/long-term committed relationships. I usually write about an issue/marriage-related situation that happened with us that week, or go looking for articles that inspire me to write on a current topic.
This past week has left me floundering.
My marriage is fine. More than fine, actually. There has just been two horrible tragedies in which Internet friends of mine have suffered the loss of their baby (Gorillabuns and Remember Maddie). Talking about sex and such seems rather trivial in light of their enormous loss.
I have been blessed in that I have not endured a loss such as theirs. My husband and I suffered a miscarriage towards the end of the first trimester of our very first pregnancy. It was awful, and devastating, and I still get a little weepy when I stop to think about it. However. The baby was so wee that I was not feeling it move. I did not get to hold it in my arms. I think that the emotional trauma was more due to the loss of a dream, if that even makes sense.
On the bright side, I became pregnant immediately thereafter and nine months later gave birth to my firstborn son. Graham. He truly is one of the most amazing children that this Earth has ever seen. You really have no idea.
In light of the events of this week, I have been pondering what effect this kind of loss would have on a marriage. I know that after our miscarriage my husband spent hours talking about what had happened and how we would move forward. I was a lot more consumed with the technicalities of it all, seeing as how it was my body that had failed, but he let me take as much time as I needed to work it out. He held me as I cried and acted as a sounding board when I wanted to talk about when we should try again.
It did not hurt our marriage in any way. If anything, it made us stronger.
Has anyone out there suffered a loss? Do you have advice for those in the murky waters? How did this affect your relationship?
I wish that I did not even have to ask. That nobody had suffered or endured this kind of heartache. Sadly, we live in a broken world. This week has made that all too clear to me.
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A wise mentor once told me that there is nothing you can say at a time of great loss; all you can do is be there. And being there is what you must do.
Posts like this can only help. Thank you for sharing.
Daisy | April 14th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
I read about Maddie from Matt Logelin’s blog. My heart breaks.
If my daughter died, I know for certain it would affect my marriage. How could it not, in some way? I think if I lost my girl, I would not have a reason to live anymore. I’m completely serious. I would Stop. Functioning. I would sit in the dark and wait for death. I don’t know how ANY parent can survive it.
Robyn | April 15th, 2009 at 10:26 am
I don’t even pretend to have answers to your questions, but I can tell you that our family has suffered loss twice. The first time was a very difficult pregnancy with twin girls that ended at 23 weeks. One little girl was stillborn and the other lived for about one hour. Almost a year to the day later, I became pregnant, this time with twin boys. It was an uncomplicated pregnancy that ended in the birth of two healthy babies. A few months later we woke up to find one of the boys not breathing. The cause of death was eventually determined to be “probable SIDS.” We are now raising our surviving twin and he is a healthy, smart, amazing boy.
Even more than a year later, I can’t put the devastation that I felt into words. The only thing that kept me (and my husband) going was that we had an infant that needed us.
You ask about the effect on a marriage. I would say that after we lost the girls, we pulled together, us against the world style. The death of our baby boy has been harder on our relationship. In many ways I feel that it’s changed every relationship that I have - husband, parents, family, friends.
Our marriage, like our lives, is different now. Not always stronger, not weaker, just different.
Veronica | April 15th, 2009 at 11:17 pm