Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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I read an article this morning by Lisa Belkin (from the Motherlode blog in the New York Times) about fighting in front of the kids.
I have to say that I agree with her that it is a good thing for your children to see you fight. Not the kind of fighting where voices are raised and horrible things are said, but the kind of fight where you discuss the situation reasonably like two adults should.
I have written before about how my husband and I fight; we fight FAIR. There is no name calling, no insults flung, no screaming matches. I think that my kids will better equipped to handle disagreements in their own relationships as they grow up because they have seen it modeled to them.
They also see that marriage is not perfect, that conflicts arise, but they also see that when you love someone (whether spouse or friend) there is a way to work things out.
How about you? Do you fight in front of your kids?
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We try our best not to fight in front of our kids - besides civil disagreements. My parents yelled at each other a lot when I was growing up and I still hate going over there because of it. I’m totally with you on the disagreements, and working them out properly, but I will NEVER be okay with yelling at each other in front of our children.
Um, so I guess that means I agree with you
Mrs. Wilson | April 24th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
we discuss things-but for the most part we don’t fight. We have told the girls that this isn’t very common. And that we are very thankful for it.
Domestic Extraordinaire | April 24th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
A-men. My friend has this written on her fridge - “NEVER let your kids see you fight.”
I wholeheartedly disagree because that isn’t real. If you call each other names and such, well then no, but reasonable disagreements absolutely. Our kids need to learn how to disagree without name calling and underhandedness.
Excellent topic Angella!
Kami | April 24th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Actually, I change my mind. Maybe they should see us make mistakes and fight dirty. The key? Admitting your mistake after and explaining to them why it was wrong…actions speak much louder than words, don’t they?
Kami | April 24th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I agree with you completely. We do NOT yell in front of our kids (actually, we don’t yell at each other full stop). Our kids do see us disgree with each other sometimes though. It is something they need to witness so they will learn how to resolve conflicts in their own lives.
Hannah | April 24th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
My hubby and I have had minor disagreements about things such as socks on the floor or dirty dishes but never full fledged blow outs. As a matter of fact we make a point to wait until the kids are tucked in to have a chat. I feel that it is okay to see that marriage is not perfect and there will be confrontation, but they don’t need to see everything because kids tend to blame themselves for things that their parents go through. I know I went through this.
recruitermom | April 27th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Yes, we “fight” in front of our daughter. She needs to know that relationships have conflict and the appropriate way to resolve conflict. One of the best ways for her to learn that is for us to model it for her. So she sees us fight, and she sees how we resolve it.
Robyn | April 28th, 2009 at 9:52 am
The kids do see us disagree and we are deliberately very civil about it. I think they need to see the ups and downs and how to fight fair in a relationship. However, even the civil disagreements seem to stress our 4 year old out a bit - but we explain to her that we are just having a conversation to work something out. And we are alwasy very affectionate w/ her and w/ each other so that she can feel secure even when we argue, we still love each other!
BiblioBabe | May 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm