Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
While perusing the interwebs for marriage and relationship articles I came across an article by Wendy over at The Frisky titled, “How Long Should You Wait Before Getting Engaged?”
In her post she referenced a post by Dan Savage over at Nerve where he said, “Three months — eight months, sixteen months — is way too soon to be discussing marriage.”
And then I laughed out loud.
I don’t think that there is a “magical formula” for how long you should date before you get married. Back when I was a single lass there was a book going around that told people they needed to be together for at least four seasons before they could make the commitment. Which, well, makes sense. In theory.
As for my husband and I, we had our first date on November 30, 1999. We got engaged on December 30, 1999. We got married on May 20, 2000.
That would be a little less than six months from first date to nuptials. This may not work for everyone, but it worked for us. We just knew.
Nine years later, It appear that we really did know.
How about you? How long did you date before you were engaged?
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My husband and I met on a July 2nd and got married that July 11th. Always famous for thinking too much and delaying decisions, this was the only decision in my life that I made in less than an hour
Lakshmi | June 12th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Um, we started “dating” (more like friends with benefits hee hee hee) in Nov. 98. I was 6 months out of high school. He moved to a different state, and 6 months later moved me there in Oct 2000. Seems like it took FOREVER for him to propose, but engaged Nov. 2001. Married Sept 02. Happily ever after.
If I had it my way, we would’ve been engaged in 2000 when I moved 2400 miles away from my family to be with him. But, eh, it all worked out in the end. : - )
Erica | June 12th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I couldn’t agree more that it’s different for everyone. We met in August of 2004, got engaged of March 2005 and were married in August 2005. It was perfect, I think.
Janssen | June 12th, 2009 at 11:34 am
We got engaged when we’d been together for 10 months, and married when we’d been together for just over 2 years. Lots of people seemed to think we were moving too fast. I agree, there’s no magic formula. We knew, full stop. We still know. I know couples who were together for years and years before they got married and still ended up divorced. Different paces work for different couples.
Jess | June 12th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I totally commented on the wrong blog. Oops. Here’s my comment from your blog:
FOREVER. Seriously. FOREVER. From around July of 2001 until December 30, 2005.
Wait, that doesn’t look like that long. Why the heck did it feel like 50 years? Hmmm. I’ll have to think about this.
TUWABVB | June 12th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
lol…I love your timeline. We “met” online Spring of 2008 (we were 1800 miles apart). He told me he loved me for the first time May 2, 2008. We met face to face for the first time June 24, 2008. (yes it was a LONG two months) He visited me for a week & flew home. Then he flew back out on July 31, 2008 and moved me and my son back to his hometown with him. He proposed December 24, 2008 in front of his family. We were married May 2, 2009.
A friend at our church recently mentioned they’d had their 20 year anniversary and I got the biggest thrill. I enjoy every day with him and I’m looking forward to the next 20 years…and beyond.
Rhoni Renee | June 12th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
We started dating in November, he unofficially proposed to me in February, but officially (read: asked parent’s permission blah blah blah) in May. Got married one year later. Just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary and we have an amazing 15 month old son. Different for everyone indeed! I just hope everyone makes the right decision for themselves
samantha jo campen | June 12th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
we started dating october 2007, got engaged sept 27, 2008…getting married is proving to be harder than we anticipated since his family is mostly in australia…anytime we mention plans to our families, someone is offended/feels left out/etc. We should’ve just kept quiet and eloped - probably what we’re going to end up doing b/c we still have no wedding plans but we have our honeymoon already planned for this december!
karen | June 12th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
My husband and I were together 2 years before we got engaged and then another year and a half before we were married. The long engagement was due to waiting for the proper season to be married outdoors in Wales, lest you think we were lagging in making the actual commitment! We picked our wedding location on one of our VERY FIRST DATES and told our families at least 6 months before the actual engagement.
Point being I guess, we did take our time, but we knew from the word go.
HollyLynne | June 12th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Ian and I met in 1995, I was in Gr. 8 he was in Gr. 10, we started dating in July of 1997, and got engaged in August 1999. We “knew” too, but seeing that I was still in high school we thought it best to wait till I was finished! Ha ha! We got married on April 22nd 2000 and that date was picked because Ian was at university and we needed to wait for a semester break.
I know many people thought we were to young, but those who knew us well didn’t doubt us.
I wouldn’t change a thing, it has worked out just the way is was supposed to!
Kristin | June 12th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
We were in the same city for about a year before we got engaged (dated long distance for awhile before that), but that had more to do with my husband making plans to move again for work than any strategic decision.
TexasRed | June 12th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
We met online in February 2001. Booked our reception hall and began planning our wedding in March 2001. He didn’t propose till November 2001 and we were married in August 2002. I guess we did some stuff a little backwards, but I was waiting to be done school and then we had to wait till we could get into the venue we wanted for our reception. It will be 7 years this August….so i guess we just ‘knew’ even before meeting in person.
Melissa | June 12th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Rob and I dated for just over a year before we got engaged. We also had a year-long engagement. We had been best friends for about 2 years prior to “hooking up”, so it really felt like about 4 years of “getting to know each other” before our wedding day. Mind you, I had only JUST turned 20 when we got engaged, so I think the time frames were spot on. If I’d been 25 or 30, then I expect we would have gotten engaged a lot quicker than we did.
I completely agree with you - there is no magic formula; it is different for every couple. There is an elderly couple in our church who got married 6 weeks after they met. And this would have been back in the 1950’s. SOOOO not the “done thing”, but they’ve been happily married now for almost 60 years
Hannah | June 12th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
3 years, 11 months and 11 days. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 21. It seems completely insane now but I new a month in I was going to marry him. Good thing he wasn’t just some creepy perv :P. We’ve been together almost 11 years now and we’ll be married seven years in August with one amazing daughter to our credit. Wow.
Jennifer W. | June 12th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
We dated for 3 years before getting engaged and then had a 1 year engagement. That was a real anomaly for Utah though, most people there do the 6 months from meeting to married.
Jill - GlossyVeneer | June 12th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
I met my husband on Jan 19, 1974 and married him on Dec 6, 1980, so we dated not quite 7 years. Why so long? It’s called COLLEGE. We met our freshman year and dated all throughout our time there. Then, we graduated and got jobs. Only when we felt secure enough in our jobs/future did we finally take the plunge. Back then, especially with our families, you just didn’t live together. It was called “shacking up” and familes were VERY much against it. I’ve know a few people who got married after VERY short courtships and every one has ended in divorce. I know there are exceptions to every “rule”, and one being you don’t know someone til you’ve lived with them is VERY true. However, I also belive that the longer you know someone, the more you find out, and the more you find out, the better to make the final choice with.
JD | June 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Dated for eight years. He knew, I didn’t! I didn’t want to get married because I thought it would be awful, I hadn’t really seen any marriages worth emulating. I also wanted to figure out who I was, finish university, play the field and not make any foolish mate decisions in my youth. He also moved to the US, while I stayed in Canada to finish my degree. I realized in college that Royden was the best man I had ever met and my best friend although I was dating someone else at the time. The only day of my engagement I felt really ’sure’ about things was our wedding day (a good thing since that was my ‘drop dead day’!). I SO wanted to know that he was ‘the one’ but that feeling never really came before the wedding, it’s only come since.
After six years I’m glad to report marriage is so much better than I ever imagined it would be, and after a particularly difficult year of life I couldn’ t imagine attempting it with anoyone else. Royden and I don’t really believe in soul mates or that love is merely an emotion. We think that there are lots of people out there that you could probably love and live life with. You get to pick your favorite and then make the concious choice to love them the rest of your life, through thick and thin.
Ruth | June 14th, 2009 at 2:47 am
Met Christmas Eve 2004, engaged the end of January 2005, married April 10, 2005. We’ve been married over four years now and have never been happier…
Sara | June 14th, 2009 at 11:55 am
We dated EXACTLY a year (July 19, 2004 - July 19, 2005), and got married after just less than four months being engaged. November 12, 2005. Now that we look back, we wish we’d stayed unmarried longer. (Don’t ask.) (Sigh.)
I don’t think there’s a magic formula either. I think you have to do what works best for your circumstances/place in life/ability to commit to forever. We did what we thought would work for us. Hindsight is 20/20, right?
Mrs. Wilson | June 14th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
We met in college - he was a year ahead of me, we lived in the same dorm, attended the same Bible Study, and worked in the same on-campus pizza restaurant. By the time I graduated four years later, we were very good friends. That July, he finally got around to asking me out (Him: Why aren’t we dating? Me: Because you never asked). We dated for five months and were engaged for seven. We actually discussed some aspects of the wedding before we started dating - I think it was his way of feeling me out.
The engagement would have been shorter, but I wanted to spread out the gift-giving holidays - my birthday in March, his in June, our anniversary in August, Christmas in December. Yes, I’m a freak.
Teri | June 14th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Engaged four months after we met. Married after 7 months. HAPPILY married almost 8 years.
Robyn | June 15th, 2009 at 10:10 am
We are not the norm, but we are an example that it CAN work. Knew each other a month without dating in an education environment. Started talking outside of school - 3 days later we were engaged. 3 months later we were married. Shoot, we were engaged before we had our first official date. And before he had my phone number, come to think of it. And in April, we celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. I just think that sometimes you plain KNOW.
Michele | June 15th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
We worked at the same place for 1 years. We staered dating from March 6th 2003. We became steady on Apr 4th 2003 and promised to get married on that day!!! I might choose the family man unlike past boyfrieds to stop my single days. Engaged officially June that year, and married June 26th 2004. Now I have 22 month-old boy and be pregnant. I am happy.
Keiko | June 19th, 2009 at 9:32 am