I take it really, really hard when I find out that a couple I know has split up, for whatever reason. I have become depressed watching friends go through divorces. I’m not sure why. It just kills me.

I think it depends on how much of you know the situation. If it’s an acquaintance I might say “I’m sorry” as I think it would fit most situations. If it’s someone I know well then after “I’m sorry” I might ask “what do you need from me – how can I be there for you?” I had a very close girlfriend who lives far away whose marriage ended fairly quickly due to neglect and disrespect from her husband. I knew she was struggling in the marriage so when she called to tell me of the divorce I told her I was sad for her loss (the marriage, the relationship, all the work she put into trying to salvage things, etc.) then asked her how can I help – do you want someone to be mad with? someone to grieve the loss of the relationship? someone to have a pity-party with? Whatever you need I am there with you.

Periodically she called me and would start off saying “I really need to bitch about how this is all his fault” or “I just need to scream ‘why me?’” and we would do just that. I was removed enough from the situation that I had no ulterior motive – I didn’t see her that often so I was never caught up in the day-to-day of the break-up, I didn’t really know him so I never defended him, I’m not her relative trying to tell her this will pass …I was there purely for her. Later she told me I was as good as therapy – so many people would get the news and jump right into a ex-bashing episode right when she was mourning the good times they had, or tried to pump her up when she really wanted to grieve for a bit. She said it was nice to have someone to call who would follow her lead and be there for whatever emotion she was experiencing at that moment.

Last August I made the choice to end my marriage. My husband is a non-functioning alcoholic and it took a toll on me and our finances. So many people said “I am so sorry” and I simply told them to not be sorry, but to be sad. Divorce is a lot like death … the death of a relationship. I was not “sorry” that I ended my marriage, but I was sad that it was the better choice than staying in it. I appreciate my friends who simply listen to me without trying to offer advice or a solution, who take me out to get my mind off the drastic life changes I am going through, who try to offer some sense of normalcy, who read my posts and give me encouragement that life will get better. No one wants their marriage to end, no one wants to have people feel pity for them during a time they need strength. I think the best thing friends did and continue to do for me is ask how are things going and if there is anything they can do to help me out.

Your timing is perfect. My cousin’s husband called her out of the blue last week and told her it was over. Apparently being separated a few hundred miles because he is in the army was too much for him to ever have time to talk to her on the phone, you know, because cheating on her was taking up all his free time. Now he wants a divorce. I have and will continue to support her 100% but it is nearly impossible to listen to her over and over again blame herself and tell him she forgives him. She is finally starting to get “a little” angry but is still feeling bad for HIM. I can’t wait for the day she wakes up and realizes a guy like that isn’t worth crying your eyes out over. She has a fantastic life waiting ahead of her. One without a man that spends all her money, buys cars without asking and that encourages her to do things SHE enjoys. It seems like this story replays over and over. My heart breaks for those broken couples.

I agree about not being a marriage expert and when you hear about a marriage ending, you really don’t know what the appropriate response should be. If it is not a close friend or someone I know fairly well, I usually say that I know this is a difficult time for you and only you know what is best for your family…I am here for any support you need during this time.
If it is a close friend, I probably already know about the details of the relationship and I say to them “that I know you have given 100% to keep your marriage together and your heart/spirit has led you to make the best decision for YOU. Be true to yourself and your children.

I’m with Red Lotus Mama. My ex husband was a serial cheater and mentally crushing. When people said, “I’m sorry,” I told them that, in fact, they shouldn’t be - at least, not for me, for finally standing up and doing the best thing I’ve ever done.

But, not all cases are like ours. I never know what to say. Isn’t it a shame that we’ve all seemed to have had too many opportunities to wonder what to say to begin with?