Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
I stumbled across an article over at The Frisky titled: 20 Things Every Woman Should Do Before She Gets Married.
While my inner prude made me balk at a few of the suggestions (Have sex with at least one person she’d never want to marry (or introduce to mom)) (Really? This will help your future marriage HOW, exactly?), there are a lot of valid points in the list.
A few of my favorites:
- Live by yourself for at least a year. (I tell EVERYONE this. It makes a world of difference in understanding things like how to clean your home and do crazy things like budgeting.)
- Get your finances in order.
- Forgive your parents for not being perfect. (AWESOME. Your relationship with your parents affects your marriage. Trust me on this one.)
A few points on the list are things that came to be after I was married:
- Find hobbies that fulfill you.
- Learn to love your body.
The list is an interesting read and has some points to ponder.
I’d love to ask those of you who are married a question; is there anything that you would say should be done before someone gets married?
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I did most of the things on that list before getting married. Some of them I never want to do. Some of them I just don’t understand. Have at least one night you can’t quite remember? Is that a euphemism for “get so drunk you pass out”? Because I’ve never done that, and don’t plan to, and am happy that way.
And I didn’t appreciate number 20, which sets a minimum age of 25 for marriage. Come on! I agree that getting married very young can turn out badly, but it depends on the person, and this list purports to be for “every woman.”
Jess | July 14th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
live abroad
hillary | July 14th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I think that 20 things is a pretty great list … except like you I’m not sure how having multiple sexual partners could really be a good thing for a marriage but I do understand the excitement a fling could bring.
I do think having a close circle of friends, living alone for awhile, travelling and doing some frivilous spending are my faves.
Jen | July 14th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Jess - the “25″ age limit made me balk a little too. I mean, I was 25 when I got married, but many of my friends were 20 and are still together…
Hillary - That’s a good one. Mind you, I’ve never even *traveled* abroad.
Jen - I thought you’d agree with me on that one
Angella | July 14th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I love the item about “forgiving parents.” That is so, so necessary for a great marriage - this will prevent many fights. I take issue, like the others, with the mandated premarital sex and the age of acceptable marriage. I was 21 when I married, and while it was certainly not traditional it was the right choice for my husband and I. It’s insulting to feel I have to defend my marriage simply because of my age, or to think that it may be written off because of same.
Another item I’d add to the list? Attend premarital counseling with your intended. I’m really surprised at how many couples choose to forgo this… and then not surprised when major issues surface that they haven’t yet discussed.
bessie.viola | July 14th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I think the suggestion to sleep with someone you’d never marry/introduce to your parents is basically to off-set the chance that you might get married and wonder WHAT IF and have a confused desire for that racy, naughty affair. Get that out of the way as a fling and then move on. I agree! Sadly, I’ve had a lot of those and less men that I’d actually marry. I guess I can check that off my list!
sizzle | July 14th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Some good advice there, although I disagree strongly on points 4, 9, 17 and 20. I was 21 when I got married, and have been happily married for more than 10 years!
I do think living on your own before getting married is a good idea, but I didn’t do it (I moved directly out of my parents’ house and into the one I live in today). I don’t have any regrets about my choice, but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it to others.
I don’t really see what sleeping in a queen sized bed on your own has to do with preparing for marriage … but I did do that too!
What to add? Perhaps “be able to cook at least a couple of great meals”. And that should go for MEN, too!
Hannah | July 14th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
And WHY did you not post this four years ago before *I* got married?
Mrs. Wilson | July 14th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Go for a counselling session to understand your deepest fears, weakness, strengths, and any baggage that you might be carrying unawares.
Ayesha | July 15th, 2009 at 6:29 am
I think 25 is a good guideline for age. Some people are ready earlier, some later, depends on maturity, but 25 is a good average. And I think living on your own is invaluable: paying your own bills, doing your own grocery shopping, etc, really helps you develop a sense of individuality and know yourself.
I would add:
21. Know how to have a civil disagreement and resolve it without throwing things, using profanity, or calling names.
22. Understand yourself: your dreams, motivations, fears, style of communication, needs and desires for life.
23. Be ready to compromise and put someone else ahead of yourself. A lot.
Robyn | July 15th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Oh, and:
23. Know how to set boundaries, be assertive, and ask for what you really want.
Robyn | July 15th, 2009 at 11:28 am