Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
I read an article over at Divine Caroline with the title, “Why Passive Aggressive Behavior is Okay, Sometimes.”
The author stated that people would probably disagree with her theory, and when I read this quote: “I am not suggesting that passive aggression is a goal or destination, but rather a resting place where we can think and reflect.” I DISAGREED. Really LOUDLY. IN MY HEAD, but still.
I am a communicator. I like to talk, yes, (just try and shut me up) but I also like to communicate. If there is an issue, let’s discuss it, work through it, and move on.
My husband, however, is passive aggressive. He fully admits to it. I can tell when something is wrong and I will ask him twenty times over to communicate with me already. He will respond with the standard, “I’m fine.”
But he is NOT fine. And I am not fine, because I have that nauseous “something’s wrong” feeling in my stomach which could easily be resolved if we coud just hash it out already.
He is getting better at communicating, and I am getting better at giving him the time to process what he wants to say. Regardless, I think that passive aggressive behavior is absolutely ridiculous.
How about you? Do you think that passive aggressive behavior is OK?
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Absolutely agree! Everything can be said with tact. If it’s not worth SAYING, it’s not worth stewing over. So let it go or speak up, for real.
She Likes Purple | July 17th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I tend to be one of those passive aggressive people at times. It depends on the issue and who I’m dealing with. Because frankly, communicating something doesn’t always clear the air. Sometimes it brings out the worst in the other person and takes days (or longer) to clear up. If I’m dealing with someone like that, I will weigh other alternatives to work out my irritation over time - or take some time to consider whether I might be in the wrong, rather than receive that information in a most unpleasant way.
SKL | July 17th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
It’s really uncanny how much alike Jay and Matthew are. I could have written this (well only not as eloquently).
I have learned to give him time because how annoying it must be to have me asking him repeatedly what is wrong!
I don’t like it but I think it’s his way of working out what is bothering him first before talking about it. Sometimes I think he really doesn’t even know what’ bothering him so rather than saying I don’t know, he says he’s fine. Yes, I have many grey hairs, why do you ask?
Kami | July 18th, 2009 at 12:04 am
It’s not okay. Rob is passive-aggressive (I think he, Matthew & Jay were triplets separated at birth … ) but like you & Kami, I am learning to be patient and wait for him to communicate. Likewise, he is learning that I NEED him to talk to me more. We’re getting there. I don’t think it’s okay to be that way; he doesn’t think that either. If he did, we would have major problems.
Hannah | July 18th, 2009 at 12:40 am
I agree with you. And, even further, I think that if someone chooses to act in a passive aggressive manner, s/he is sabotaging her/his relationship. If you tell me you are fine, I am not going to pursue you. I’ll take you at your word. Whilst you fester and our relationship is poisoned just because you lied and cannot grow up and admit when you are angry/hurt/whatever. (General you.) I don’t really have relationships with passive aggressive people, as you might guess.
Robyn | July 20th, 2009 at 10:50 am
The article does remind “Two people can’t function in passive aggressive land for long” and that is true. However, as someone who is more passive-agressive it is I agree it is a reflection space and coping mechanism. Not all of us do well hashing things out verbally.
However, with a family full of “talk-it-out” types I’ve learned not to just do the “fine” routine. They keep fluttering. But simply saying, “I heard, I’ll think about it” or even “I don’t know why I’m upset” can go a long way to appeasing others. They’ve learned both are code for “leave me alone right now” and I get the time I need to get in touch with my own feelings so I can respond appropriately.
Mich | July 20th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Needing time to process and not wanting to talk everything out are not passive-aggressive, if one is simply honest about it. If you say, “I’m not ready to talk yet,” that is NOT passive-aggressive. It’s simply being honest about your inner thought processes and communication style. What is passive-aggressive is lying, saying you are “fine” when really you are angry and/or resentful of someone, and then expecting them to get that. If you works through it without conversation, that’s totally fine. It’s when you choose not to communicate then become even more angry that the other person doesn’t simply read your mind that you become passive-aggressive. Also, doing little things to sabotage the relationship without ever being honest and giving the other person a chance to understand and respond is passive-aggressive. (Again, general “you.”)
Robyn | July 21st, 2009 at 10:23 am
What is it with men and passive aggressiveness? Shoot, for real, Chuck gives me the “I’m FINE!” routine all the time.
And like you the nauseating feeling in my stomach tells me it’s not.
Lisa | July 22nd, 2009 at 10:47 am