Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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I don’t know if I have mentioned it on this site before, but the first time that I had sex with my husband was…on our wedding night. Call me naive or old-school or archaic or whatnot, but we both share a faith that encourages you to wait until you are married in order to engage in “relations.”
Thanks to a quick run to the drugstore by a good friend of mine on the morning of my wedding to procure, um, a certain substance, our wedding night was pretty fantastic. As have been every marital encounter since then.
Over nine years later I can attest to the fact that the pop culture ideal that you need to give marriage (and sex) a “test drive” in order for you to make it long-term does not seem to hold true. Lest you think that I’m an anomaly, I read an article titled “Prenuptial Cohabitating Can Spoil Marriage” which backed up what I personally believe, complete with statistics and everything.
Don’t believe me? Go ahead and read the article.
I am not knocking those who live together before getting married in any way. I just feel as though our decision to not do so is often looked at as a little bit crazy. It’s nice to know that in addition to the fact that our almost-ten-year- relationship is a testament to the wisdom of our decision, there are also (non-faith-based) statistics that back us up.
I know I ask you guys for feedback a lot, but this is a bit of a hot topic.
What do you think about cohabitating before marriage?
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I understand both sides. I am celebrating my 9th anniversary next week and my husband and I were together for 9 years before that. We lived together for almost two years before we got married and I am glad we did. If we hadn’t I think we would have lived in different provinces for a lot longer than the year when we were in different schools.
I don’t think that living together beforehand has hindered our married life, but to be fair, we had already made a commitment to each other before we co-habitated.
Gwen | July 21st, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I wonder if it is really the “living together” or if the reality is that those who do not tend to be more commited to the concept of “death do us part”.
The percentage of couples living together before marriage who profess a strong faith is lower than the percentage of couples who do not; I wonder if that, more than the fact of living together makes the difference in the stats.
Mich | July 21st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
We lived together for 2 years before getting married and I am SO GLAD that we did. I knew what I was getting into. I knew that to Shawn “cooking dinner” meant “making grilled cheese sandwiches.” I knew that he was incapable of doing the laundry without shrinking at least one of clothes items. He knew that for my peace of mind, the towels need to be folded a certain way. We were already used to each other’s quirks and flaws so there was no shock to the system when we got married. When we first moved in together, it was a huge adjustment for both of us. We are both fairly independent people and had lived on our own in the past so it was really difficult to get used to being accountable to another person. I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would have been to go through all of that on top of all the wedding stress and emotions that go along with it.
That being said, I totally respect people who don’t live together before getting married. It just wouldn’t have worked for us.
hillary | July 21st, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I, too have a nearly 9 year marriage (this Friday!!), and a 10 1/2 year relationship but mine is based on a solid foundation of lots of boot knockin’ prior to marriage. I will say that I waited longer with him then I did in previous relationships (more to his restraint then mine, I was one horney college student constantly trying to get in his pants). But eventaully he caved . We also officially lived together within 9 months of meeting (we un-officially lived together after about 3 months). We got married about a year after we moved in together. We were successful (barely) at having a 4-week moratorium on sex (it was supposed to be 6-weeks, ahem) prior to the wedding – just to make the wedding night that much more passionate.
I’m curious about Angella or anyone else who waited with their husbands - had you slept with other men before you met “the one”? Because back in the day, I had some great boyfriends who were totally duds in the sack and for me, I have always been a very confident lover with my husband…something that I know I wouldn’t have been if I didn’t have a few notches in the bedpost before him.
kakaty | July 21st, 2009 at 1:52 pm
My husband and I are 27, high school sweethearts and got married after almost 8 years of dating. We were so dang young to get married while in college that I don’t think either of us would have had the same experience as we should have. We then waited until his masters was finished to get married but lived together for almost two years while planning our wedding. Now as we near eleven years of being together, I am grateful for both our time apart and our time together. We would have never been who we are now without that time together or apart.
I get very defensive about living together as I lived in the ULTRA conservative south for seven years. During that time I was told “why should he pay for the cow when he is getting the milk for free?” It made me want to schreech at the top of my lungs. The fact that I was seen as morally lesser burned me.
So personally, I don’t care how anyone makes the decision to live together or not live together, I simply believe it is their decision.
Stephanie | July 21st, 2009 at 2:24 pm
I’ve heard those statistics before, too. For me, all the statistics about marriage–the high divorce rate, the link between premarital cohabitation and divorce, the studies that say X and Y factors make your marriage more or less likely to fail–well, they’re interesting sociologically but I don’t really apply them to my marriage. Because my marriage is fantastic and I know that it will stay that way. And I know the same thing about yours. Even though Torsten and I lived together for over a year before we got married, and you and Matthew didn’t. I just wish we didn’t all judge each other for doing things differently from how we ourselves choose to do them.
Jess | July 21st, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Whatever works for you and your situation is fine by me! Statistics can be skewed in a number of ways, so I generally don’t read too much into them in cases where there are soooo many variables!
I think it’s important to point out that JUST waiting until marriage does not guarantee that the marriage will work. There are some people who are different after they are married or as they age. People grow apart or just really weren’t the best suited and it’s hard to see until a few years have passed.
We are all people of different backgrounds. Sometimes those come together really well in a marriage, and other times they don’t. A lot has to do with context of their lives. For example, to me, comparing the circumstances of what happened before the wedding date to the life of the marriage is like saying knowing the sex of your baby before it’s born affects the entire life of the child. This is probably why this whole argument blows my mind because it just seems like a decision the couple makes with their own reasoning (whatever that may be) and not a predictor of the life of the marriage. While I respect the decision either way, I just don’t understand how having ‘relations’ or living together before or after a religious (or civil) ceremony really changes things down the line.
That said - I do know how hard it is to watch people struggling and wanting to share how you have had success! I believe that sharing ideas that work for us in specific circumstances is important for all of us to learn. Thanks for sharing your experience with us, I have learned a lot from this blog!!
Kate | July 21st, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I’m not good at the official language but isn’t there something about correlation does not = causation? Because our pastor mentioned another statistic last weekend about how self-professed “born again Christians” have a higher rate of divorce than the general population.
We are Christians and we lived together but 7 yrs in, neither of us are going anywhere! Ever!
St | July 21st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
We did not live together before we got married, and both of us were virgins on our wedding night. I understand that many people find this “strange” or “naive”, but we felt it was the right thing to do. We’ve been happily married for over 10 years.
I tend to agree with the second poster, who pointed out that couples who choose NOT to cohabit before marriage are more likely to have a strong Christian faith, and perhaps THAT is the reason the divorce rate is lower in this particular group?
Hannah | July 21st, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Um, I HOPE that article does not hold true! We actually signed a lease to live together in Denmark before we were ever dating, and then by the time we moved to DK, had crossed that line, so our first time living together was unintentional.
Considering I moved 3,000 miles a couple years later just to be with him and didn’t know another soul in SF, there really was no reason NOT to live together. I can’t say had we met living in the same town–be it SF or NYC–we would have ended up cohabitating. Maybe we would have, maybe we wouldn’t. But for me, having had so many failed friendships thanks to messed up roommate situations, I think it’s good testing the waters pre-marriage. And of the two years we’ve lived together, things have gone swimmingly, so hopefully after we get hitched a year from now, that will still hold true =)
Camels & Chocolate | July 21st, 2009 at 5:02 pm
In my humble opinion, I think you’re EXACTLY right. I wish that I had come into my marriage a virgin. My husband came into our relationship a virgin, I did not. I cohabited with two of my previous boyfriends and OBVIOUSLY it didn’t work out. It wasn’t a good idea, but back then, I wasn’t exactly a future-thinker.
Oh the things I’m going to teach my girls - do NOT do as I did!
Mrs. Wilson | July 21st, 2009 at 6:31 pm
My point of view on this has changed in an ironic way, I think. I used to think it was important to live with your partner before tying the knot, as a test drive of sorts… so you know what you’re getting yourself into before committing to a lifetime of it.
I lived with my ex-fiance for 3 years and I don’t regret it. We split up after 3 years of living together and 4 years as a couple, which in theory should add fuel to my argument of wanting to live with someone prior to tying the knot, in order to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. I mean, our split should go to illustrate that sometimes living together can make you learn that you don’t belong together! And I should do it again next time!
However, now that I’ve lived with a partner in the past, I feel less strongly about the issue. I’m not against cohabitation, but I wouldn’t insist on it next go-around. If I had another boyfriend who really wanted to move in together prior to marriage, and I really wanted to be with him for the long haul, I’d move in together. And if he didn’t want to move in, well I wouldn’t press the issue. I think I feel this way because after going through the last breakup, I have more confidence now in my ability to sense whether or not I would get along with someone and be able to live with them or not.
However, the sex thing? There’s no way I would wait till marriage for that. But I’m not a religious girl so while I admire those who have the willpower to wait, I don’t feel that reason speaks to me personally.
sparklytosingle | July 21st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
I think there are a lot of confounding factors. Orthodox Indian people tend to say the same about arranged marriages — look! there are so few divorces in India! Look at America! Tsk tsk! This is why arranged marriages are so amazing!
(Note the sarcasm.) I can unequivocally say that this is bullshit. I am Indian, I know dozens upon dozens of couples with arranged marriages, and only a few are happy, quite a few are downright miserable. But they don’t get divorced! I know precisely ONE Indian couple who has gotten one, in all my years of being highly involved in the Indian community. It is not because their marriage are better, and here’s the catch — if one is conservative enough to have an arranged marriage, one is *most likely* conservative enough that divorce is not an option.
Obviously, this is a different example, but I think the same principle applies. If one is conservative enough (and I’m not saying this is a bad thing, I actually tend to follow this view myself) to believe that sex should wait until marriage and cohabitation should do the same, it suggests that there are probably similarly conservative views on divorce at play.
My own personal example: my parents. They are miserable. MISERABLE. It’s not just that they’re unhappy in any fixable manner, they actively make each other unhappy, and I do not think they have had a conversation with each other since the birth of my younger brother. But? They will not get a divorce. Because they are Indian and won’t, while any other sane couple would have realized that this relationship is beyond redemption before now. It’s sad.
I don’t think these statistics can actually be analyzed. Cohabitatation, premarital sex, and divorce are just too intertwined with personal views. Statistically non-independent factors that do not render clear results.
Karishma | July 21st, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Just celebrated our 8th anniversary… we didn’t live together until after the wedding but we weren’t virgins either… so I’m not on one side or the other. The decision not to live together was done to keep the parents happy, although I’m happy we did it that way. Yep, people thought it was weird but it worked for us. The first year of marriage was HARD… where most friends cite the first year of living together being hard… we were married and learning to live together. I guess it makes it easier to live together first, but I enjoyed the excitement and the challenge of our new stage in life.
Jennifer | July 21st, 2009 at 11:33 pm
also, i completely fail to understand this — why ask couples who had been married for less than ten years? how does it make any sense to NOT ask about marriages that have stood the test of time, if the entire point was to find out how likely divorce was?
Karishma | July 22nd, 2009 at 2:55 am
I think it’s a personal decision. I lived with someone when I was 22, and I think it was the best thing for us because we learned that we weren’t compatible. Now that I’m older and more mature, I would probably catch on sooner, but it really saved us both a lot of heartache.
I also agree with everything Karishma said and she expressed it so well, I’ll just say “Ditto to what she said”
Kate | July 22nd, 2009 at 9:22 am
We didn’t live together before we got married, but we did have “relations” after we got engaged but before we got married. I don’t regret it. My sister and her husband lived together for two years before they got married and they are happily celebrating their 7th anniversary. I know, just anecdotal. I’m sure the statistics are correct. I kind of wonder, along with Mich, whether there is something about those who choose to live together that somehow they are already less committment-minded…?
I just can’t imagine EVERY “marital encounter” being fantastic. If it’s normal to have great sex every time, then there is definitely something wrong with me.
Robyn | July 22nd, 2009 at 9:39 am
My hubby & I co-habitated for five years before we married. We treated it pretty much like a marriage, just without the ceremony. I don’t think that it either made our marriage stronger or weaker, becasue it was just as serious of a realtionship for us as a marriage would have been!
Leslie | July 22nd, 2009 at 9:51 am
I have to say all the comments on this post are quite interesting. Growing up in a very conservative background, I went to a college where peopled didn’t cohabit and most didn’t sleep together before marriage either. The ideal was you met, married, and lived ever after.
My unscientific poll of those who married right after college, is that they’re only at about the national average (50%) for making it for the long haul and I wonder how many of those would have married if they’d cohabited, or even slept together?
Mich | July 22nd, 2009 at 10:11 am
I was a virgin when I met my husband. He was a divorcee (his wife divorced him) so obviously he was not. We lived together for 4 1/2 years before we finally got married…and had we not wanted to have children, I would have lived together without that piece of paper forever.
We lived as man and wife for 4 years before marriage…and in so many ways I feel that that was the best decision for us. Neither of us are going anywhere after 12 years of being together (8 married) and I do believe it’s partially because I wasn’t disillusioned going into the marriage with fairy tales dreams and stars in my eyes.
But that’s just me. I commend you Angella for waiting till your wedding night.
Lisa | July 22nd, 2009 at 10:44 am
I lived with a boyfriend when I was 20 years old, much to my parents dismay. I found it was a huge learning experience for me as it turned out HORRIBLY but as time has gone on, I don’t regret it as it made me who I am today.
Crazy fact? My birthmom lives in Montreal and when I met her, she still had her maiden name so I assumed she was single or divorced. She told me that in Quebec, the wife never takes the married name because the divorce rate is so high that it makes more sense to keep your maiden name in case. WHAT?! Insane.
Shelly | July 22nd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Personally, I don’t know the answer to this question. I never cohabitated and also never married. But it does bother me to see young people advised that they “must” live together before marriage. The logic doesn’t hold up. You may find out you don’t like the way he puts the toilet paper roll on? Like that is a reason to walk away from a serious relationship? Or, people can’t address those issues in the context of married life? And also, the idea that it will be easy to walk away after cohabitating, and start all fresh as if none of it ever happened. The only way that could be true is if the couple were never serious to begin with - and that’s a whole other level of sad.
My sister “cohabitated” before marriage. Actually, she held out until they were “engaged,” but he “changed his mind” a couple of times in the interim, etc., long story. Well, believe me, they don’t fight any less now that they are married. I surely hope that they stay together as that is clearly what both desire deep in their hearts. But I don’t see any evidence that their initial “living together” has made that any more likely.
SKL | July 22nd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I am stealing these lines from Hannah because it applies to me, too:
“We did not live together before we got married, and both of us were virgins on our wedding night. I understand that many people find this “strange” or “naive,” but we felt it was the right thing to do.”
And I am adding these lines because they apply to me, too:
And now we are approaching the first anniversary. Of our divorce.
Looks like it can turn out either way ;). I’m not saying I recommend cohabitation, but…I think my exhusband would have had a more difficult time hiding his drinking problem if we had lived together first.
Just me | July 22nd, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Are you assuming that people who don’t live together before marriage also don’t have sex before marriage? I think that’s true in some cases, but I would guess that the majority of people who don’t live together do sleep together before marriage.
I think the reason why people get married is more important than whether they live together or not. I know couples who wouldn’t have sex before they got married, and their marriages didn’t work out; it seemed to me that the main reason they got married was so that they could have sex, and I don’t know that they would have ever married if they felt they could have sex outside of marriage. But I also know couples who lived together and then got married, and it didn’t work out because they were really only getting married because they felt like they had to at that point.
The article you linked to is really about correlation, not causation, so I don’t know that it really proves anything. It is interesting though.
-R- | July 23rd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I think it really all depends on the couple, and your background. I wasn’t raised with religion, and I was not told to “wait for marriage”. My family was not happy that we moved in together before marriage, but I think that’s because I was moving to another state, 2400 miles away, and I way only 20 yrs old. I could not have continued the long distance relationship with him after he moved away. I was emotionally distraught being apart from him, giving him his space to decide if I was “the one” So for me there was no choice about it. I started packing 2 minutes after he asked me to move.
Personally, I could not have married him without knowing how he was in bed. We started out as “friends with benefits” I was a young, wild, crazy girl, and I’d been around the block more times than I’ll ever admit. He was the best I’d ever had. And eventually I fell in love with him.
We’ve been together almost 11 years now, and married for 6 1/2. And he still amazes me in bed. But that is us. I respect people who choose not to follow the path I did, but I can’t say I understand it. It would’ve been so much scarier speaking those vows if I hadn’t have known every aspect of him like I did.
Erica | July 24th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Well I have a shocker for everyone who has left a message. I was a christian girl who went wild. I had had sex with other guys before I even met my husband. When I met my husband, he was pushy to have sex, and I waited longer with him than any other guy (shamefully, its true). This whole time I was a christian - who “knew better”. What can I say? Its not that my husband is great in the sack either. He’s less experienced than I am. But it was just right in that department. We lived together because I got pregnant before we were married but we had been discussing engagement when the pregnancy reared its ugly head (i was sick for the whole nine months, despite it, I love my son). We tied the knot 5 months after our son was born.
Do I feel we have a great relationship? No. I love him. He loves me. We love our son, but its been rocky for us. We’ve had some battles to overcome. The first year of marriage was so hard that I even thought about divorce. I mean, seriously started thinking about leaving. But I was given some marriage advice from the movie “Armageddon” as stupid as it is. A guy in the movie talks about marriage having its good years and bad years. Im assuming we’ve been in a bad year. We are only in our 2nd year of marriage, and our 3 year of being together. We moved entirely too fast but it has worked for us too. After I considered divorcing him, I realized that the vows I took actually stuck with me. Imagine that! So I guess right now Im just trying to work through what we’re calling “Growing Pains” because I think that’s exactly what we’re going through. We were first time spouses at the same time as being first time parents. Two very tough things to overcome on separate occasions, not to mention, together. I am banking on the fact that if we can survive this, we will be able to survive anything. We both work at it every day. We both screw up. But I love my husband regardless. I love the son we share together. I love that he still loves me even though I screw up too.
We both come from broken homes, parents were drug addicts and alcoholics. But we have some good examples of marriage in our lives too. My grandparents have been together for 46 years and they tell us that what we’re going through is normal. Husband’s grandparents were married for 50 years when his granddad died. His grandma also says we are trooping through it just like they did.
Do I get worried that our statistics go against us? Yes. Do I let it pre-determine if we are going to fail? No way. Its inspiration to rise above it. I know we went about things the “wrong” way according to morals, but with the Grace of God, just like anything else, we will get through it.
I agree and disagree with this blog at the same time. Is that possible? LOL. Great article.
daisygirl48161 | July 24th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
I’m coming to this post really late, so the chances are this comment will disappear into the ether! But never mind.
My partner and I have spent almost 10 years happily UNmarried, most of those cohabiting. We’re expecting our first (planned) baby, and have no immediate plans to get hitched. Especially in this era of divorce, for me being married holds no more significance than a commitment made privately, inherently and each day.
I believe that the quality of the relationship lies in the relationship itself. We truly do have everything that a marriage has, minus the official status. People say “when you get married, things change”. But, meh. Those people haven’t lived inside our relationship.
I respect those who want to get married. I’m happy when my friends marry, and I do love a good wedding. Maybe we’ll tie the knot day.
But in the mean time, it’s a glaring fact that there are plenty of couples who are married and divorced in the time that we’ve been together.
bokker | August 12th, 2009 at 11:36 am