Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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I come from a family background that (could probably get me a guest spot on Oprah, and) is a little bit complicated. My Dad has been married four (!) times and had children with the first three of his wives. I have eight (!) siblings, only one of whom shares the same mother with me. That sister is two years younger than I am.
The first (older) set of my Dad’s kids grew up across the country but we’ve had our chances to connect over the years. The youngest set of siblings I am especially close to as I moved in with my Dad when the first of their babies was but a toddler and my Step Mom was pregnant with the second one.
They had four children, each of whom I get to tease that I “wiped their bums.” It’s all about the humiliation in my family.
After watching those four (girl, boy, boy, girl) grow up, each two years apart, I thought that when the time came for me to have children, I would want four of those little beings.
My husband is the eldest of three kids (Boy, girl, boy) that were born within the span of three years. He had no desire to have four kids. He stated that he would be happy with two. Maybe three. But probably two.
I could see his point. Two I could live with; I wanted more than one because it’s been my experience that having at least one sibling to have your back is a good thing.
We had our two boys twenty months apart and in the midst of that chaos we thought that we might be done. And yet, we took no permanent measures. When our youngest was one, we talked to each other and confessed that we each wanted one more child. Just one.
We are excited that she is a girl and that we get to experience the other gender, but we would have been just as excited to add another boy to our mix. We were ready for one more, regardless of the sex. But I am SO DONE with being pregnant. My husband is done with that whole scenario as well (it wasn’t pretty the last time) and as such has had a “procedure.”
Ahem.
We’re officially done. And if we ever get the urge for another child, we can adopt. Hopefully.
How about you? How many children do you want to have (if any)?
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We have an 18 month old son and know we want another child eventually but man oh man I’m just not ready yet. Neither is my husband. He’s the middle of three and I’m an only and we’ve always known we’d want more than one. I said I’d let him know my exact number once we had the first one
So. . .maybe one more? Sad to say but it would also depend on our financial situation as well, as to how many kids we have.
samantha jo campen | August 25th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Right now we’re fluctuating between 0 kids and 2 kids. If we do decide to have kids, we don’t want only one. I grew up with 3 siblings and he grew up with 1 and neither of us can imagine being an only child. I have nothing against only children, or people who do decide to have just one child, but I would want my child to experience growing up with a sibling. That being said, sometimes we think we’d like to stick with puppies. We have expensive hobbies. We love to travel. We are both people who need a lot of solitary time to ourselves. Right now we’re thinking zero kids but I fully expect that to change at some point.
hillary | August 25th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
When I was 16-30, I wanted 6.
When I was 30-36, I still liked the idea of 6 but was beginning to see 4 as realistic.
As I approached 40 I saw 4 as less realistic and started thinking in terms of 2.
At 40 I adopted 2 and I am probably done.
SKL | August 25th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Wanting some, getting none…and afraid of being octomom;) Not too keen on adopting (too many variables that freak me out) so we’ll wait and see for now…when reality sinks in a little more (aka we entirely run out of friends without kids) we’ll probably start throwing money at the fertility doctor or the lawyer. Sigh.
Ruth | August 25th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
We have no idea. We might be done, we might have one more. We’re not sure. But, the only way we’re having more than three would be TWINS or an act of God.
Mrs. Wilson | August 25th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I have 1 sister. Rob comes from a family of 4 (boy, boy, boy, girl). Together we have 2 boys, and we are done!! When I was pregnant with my youngest (who is almost 5), we weren’t sure if we wanted 2 or 3 kids (we knew we didn’t want 4). Anyway, the moment Tyler was born, both Rob and I had an overwhelming sense that our family was complete. When Tyler was 1 year old, Rob had the “procedure” you mention above.
Sometimes I feel a bit sad that I don’t have a girl, because as my boys get older there are times when I feel a bit left out (through no fault of my own, or theirs … simply because I am different to them). BUT … I have 4 gorgeous nieces and a goddaughter, who fill that gap. Plus, I can return them when I’ve had enough!
Hannah | August 25th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
We want two. We are flexible to MAYBE having three. I can also see the merits of having one but I totally agree that siblings are so important. And I fully intend to have Torsten have a “procedure” once we decide we’re done. Also, we may adopt one or more of our kids. We’ll have to see.
Jess | August 25th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
0 kids for us, for a a few reasons. One being some medical complications pregnancy and/or labor could cause me. It’s hard to take the risk knowing DH could become a single father.
We haven’t taken any permanent measures to avoid this but we’ve taken some more serious precautions. (IUD, holla!) I’ve been critisized by some people for getting an IUD, despite the fact it can be taken out at any time, it’s only five years, and (hello?) did I mention the medical issues?
Maybe if our biological clocks start to tick, we’ll have kids (hence the not-entirely-permanent-IUD) but I don’t see that happening in five years or less.
Also, I understand the mixed family. My father was married once before and I, too, have siblings that belong to another mother. There are four of us. Boy, girl, girl, girl. Even though there are large age gaps between us (18 to 15 years) and our three parents did NOT get along, we are very close.
Not quite Oprah worthy but I still get raised eyebrows when I say my sister gets something from her mother. Confusion can be funny!
Cheryl | August 26th, 2009 at 10:34 am
We have 2 boys 21 months apart. While I thought 21m apart was a good idea I now recommend at least 24m apart. C & M are now 5 adn 3 and we’ve been talking about a 3rd. I mostly want a daughter and am not 100% behind having a 3rd child. I really feel I need to be committed to the 3rd child no matter what the gender before we try again. I am also worred about having the 2nd and 3rd so far apart. C & M are attached at the hip and the best of friends. I don’t konw what adding a 3rd would do to the mix. I’m the oldest of 4 (girl, girl, boy boy) with all of us being between 21 and 19m apart. I have no experience with children spread out in age like mine would be. I just don’t know and no matter how much my husband and I discuss it we end up right back at ‘ I don’t know’. The uncertainty is most likely a decision to not have a 3rd, but the desire for a daughter is so strong some days.
I often wish I could see into the future and run the scenarios, but I haven’t found that crystal ball yet.
klg | August 26th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Love this topic! Avelyn is 16 months old. My FMLA at my new job kicks in on June 22, 2010 so I will start trying around whatever date gets me a due date AFTER June 22 so I get my six weeks off. (Six freaking weeks… not even full pay. Man USA sucks sometimes. What do you folks in Canada get?). That means… anytime after mid-September? Oh man that sounds soon now! But two, MAYBE three will be it for us.
Jennifer W. | August 26th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I have one dear daughter and she is going to be an only. I don’t see what the big hang ups of having an only are and why some posters think that siblings are ever so important? My brother and I have never been close and no longer speak. Not everyones experience of siblings is a good one, you just base your ideas on your own experience! I don’t think my daughter needs a sibling just cause she has to have one! You should have a 2nd child because you want that child, not as a playmate for your first or because your first will need them ‘to fall back on’ or because everyone else is having two! My health and financial situation mean I am stopping at one. We are a happy family of three!
liz | September 11th, 2009 at 11:33 am