Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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While I may be a writer and photographer by night, by day I am an accountant of the Chartered variety. I recently switched from the educational side of accounting to working in an office with a bunch of other suckers who have chosen accounting as their profession. I am getting back up to speed with the technicalities behind the advice that we give. It has been as titillating as you might imagine.
One topic that I was asked to research and write a report on was the different legal aspects of being in a common-law relationship and a marriage relationship. I had always assumed that once you reached that point where you were legally declared to be “common-law” you were in the identical position as as those who had gone through the ceremony and legal hoops to be married. This is not the case.
We went out for dinner this weekend with another couple and she was talking about friends of theirs who were common-law. From a conservative Christian perspective she wondered why people who were Common-Law would even bother getting married. Milk for free and all of that.
I, too, am a (fairly) conservative Christian and have talked to a number of people who were once common-law, decided to marry, and then noticed that their relationship was different. Better, somehow.
Any of you want to chime in on your thoughts of being married versus being common-law?
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Someone in my family was in that situation. The woman finally said: if I’m good enough to live with, I’m good enough to marry. So I guess it was a matter of value/respect, as well as making a statement to the world that both individuals were permanently committed to the relationship. In addition, she had kids (from a previous marriage) who were observing the arrangement, which didn’t feel quite right. The official wedding took place about 20 years ago and they are still married (with 1 kid together), which is a good statistic by today’s standard.
Personally, I’d want the legal document if I was permanently committed. I think that regardless of how people say they feel about each other, outsiders will not view the relationship as a serious commitment if there is no intent to legally marry. It will be viewed as an arrangement of convenience, etc., which would bother me personally.
SKL | January 19th, 2010 at 10:30 am
Honestly, I think for all the people you talk to who would say their relationship got better after marriage, you could find quite a few people who would say the opposite was true for them. Although it’s a matter of faith for you (and many) and that’s completely respectable, it’s not a matter of faith for lots. Many people don’t see marriage as an end goal in a relationship, and I completely respect and even understand that. The end goal should be a happy, healthy home, and, truly, you don’t NEED to be married to reach that goal.
I wanted to be married, but it changed almost nothing in the dynamic of our relationship (we lived together for over two years before getting hitched). It increased our mutual debt and gave me a much harder-to-pronounce last name, but that was about it. I loved him just as much the day before our wedding as I do today. (But, I will say, it was great that we had the option to get married and that option should be provided to every committed couple.)
I’d say, honestly, having a kid together changed our relationship more than marriage ever did/could have.
Jennie | January 19th, 2010 at 10:33 am
In the US not all States allow for common law marriages anymore. I think only 11 still do (while grandfather laws cover some people in other states who were joined by common law before a certian date). The States that do allow for common-law have variying requirements and the Federal Gov’t does recognize “common-law” marriages so it does have an affect on taxes.
From a personal perspective, my cousin was married by common-law to his long-time girlfriend and only when their state no longer allowed for common law marriage did they formally marry (on the beach in the Bahamas with a civil ceremony - spur of the moment while on vacation). They cited fear of the state no longer recognizing their union even though they were grandfathered in under the new law. They had been together 17 years at that point. Both were church-married before and things ended very badly for both of those marriages and neither had any interest in doing it again.
I think it really depends on the couple, their history and their wants. I know for my cousin nothing changed by getting that legal document (other then the assurance that their bond would be recognized in a dire situation). I know plenty of formally and church wedded couples that didn’t make it to 17 years like my cousin did.
On another note, I think it’s sad that so many states and the Feds recognize “common-law” marriages for male/female relationships but not for same-sex relationships.
kakaty | January 19th, 2010 at 12:33 pm
We have absolutely no desire whatsoever to get married. We both feel it’s a bit of a cash-grab for the government, and we don’t need to “prove” to anyone how we feel about each other. With the divorce rates as they are, I honestly see no compelling reason to spend thousands of dollars on a party, when we have a mortgage, car payments, and holidays to pay for.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good wedding, and I’ll support my friends and family if they decide that is the avenue want to take, but for myself, for my relationship, for my shy and unassuming partner, a wedding is not something we’d ever want to inflict on each other.
Meg | January 19th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
We didn’t choose to marry just for the benefits that might have been accorded vis a vie common law marriage. We chose to marry to announce our commitment; because we wanted to be married; because it was a step we wanted to take together.
That’s the difference for many, i think. Marriage is an affirmation. Common Law is just…common law. Yea. We live together and the state (if yours does it - most don’t) says I can share your benefits.
Isn’t this rather like asking gay couples why it’s so important that they have the right to marry even though most states have civil unions that accord them the same benefits?
Phe | January 19th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
I was referring to couples in general, regardless of sexual orientation.
I hope I didn’t come across as saying that one was better than the other, or that my choice is a better one. I, personally, for reasons beyond my faith have chosen to be legally bound (In addition to committed, etc.) to my husband for the rest of our lives.
The topic came up in conversation, and having never lived together until we were married, I didn’t have personal experience with the difference between common-law and marriage.
I thought it would be interesting to hear from those of you who had experience with the common-law side of the discussion.
Angella | January 19th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
We were common-law for six years, and are now married almost five. I can honestly say there has been no difference in our relationship since tying the knot. In fact, I can barely remember how many of our years together have been spent married, and how many weren’t. It’s just not that important to me!
Katie | January 19th, 2010 at 1:06 pm
Angella: Oddly enough, faith played no role in our decision to marry. I know that it’s so important for many though. I guess we just liked to do everything in reverse - move in, have a child, get married.
Phe | January 19th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
We were common-law for 2 years before getting married. Honestly, being married doesn’t feel any different than being common-law. The one thing that has changed is how others feel about us (and treat us.) It’s like being married made our relationship more valid in their eyes. It’s frustrating and ridiculous so I choose not to think about it
hillary | January 19th, 2010 at 1:57 pm
We lived together for just under two years before getting married. For us it was a matter of commitment and faith. I had lived with other boyfriends in the past, but had never been married. It was a huge deal to us and we weren’t making a statement to anyone but each other. Living together wasn’t permanent enough for us. We wanted to be together as a family and have our children born to a mom and dad who were husband and wife. Just what we wanted, not saying any other way is wrong at all. I did notice that after we were married, our relationship changed for the better. It was more serious and we considered ourselves a family of two whereas we were just boyfriend/girlfriend before.
Stacey | January 22nd, 2010 at 8:28 pm
I was once in a common law relationship. I kind of fell into it ( I know! Weak!) and I wouldn’t do it again. For me, there was not a feeling of long term commitment and shared responsability. I’m not saying that people who choose to be in common law relationships don’t feel a strong sense of commitment and responsibility. Again, I hope that most people put more thought and effort into their relationship that I did.
My cousin got married after having been in a common law relationship and he told me there was no difference whatsoever. Again, I believe that he and his wife were committed long before the ceremony.
Heather | January 24th, 2010 at 9:52 pm
Although I don’t have common-law status (I don’t think CA allows that anymore for hetero couples), I think the fact that I have committed myself to someone, bought a house with him, and then had a child with him (on purpose) means I’m just as invested in the relationship (if not more; a kid is forever) than if we were simply married with no other ties. The moment we decided to have a kid together was the moment I knew we were both in this for the long haul, and although we didn’t have a ceremony to celebrate that, I think we both felt the emotional shift that I’ve heard others describe when they talk about what changed when they got married.
Every relationship is different, obviously, but I don’t think anyone could make a convincing case that in our case a marriage certificate would make our relationship any more legitimate than it already is (and has been for some time). That said, we will eventually get married and probably have some sort of wedding if only for the excuse to throw a party with family and friends.
Leah | January 25th, 2010 at 9:14 pm