Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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I’ve mentioned it before but my husband and I have been known to take separate vacations. One time I wrote about it, I had a commenter question the strength of my marriage and wonder how posting about separate vacations was supposed to strengthen a commitment. I was a little taken aback as anyone who knows my husband and I know that we not only work hard at our marriage, we truly do enjoy spending time together. I read article over at Divine Caroline titled, “Separate Vacations Don’t Have To Mean Divorce” that echo my thoughts on the subject and so I feel safe enough to bring the topic up again.
We would love to take an annual (kid-free) vacation together but having three small kids makes it a little difficult to do so. We don’t have any grandparents nearby to help with that and I love my friends too much to ask them to bear the burden of watching my little monkeys. My younger brother lives with us and is able to watch them overnight so we’ve booked (a hotel, and) him to do so for us in a couple of weeks.
Lack of sufficient child care is not the only reason for our separate excursions. While my husband and I have a lot in common and have way too much fun in each others’ company, we also have separate interests. He likes to go fishing, hunting, snowmobiling…basically any activity that involves being outside and in the middle of nowhere. Luckily for him, he has friends who share these interests and who join him on his adventures.
My idea of a fun weekend includes seeing new places, meeting up with friends who share my love of writing/blogging (and laughing) and possibly a nice hotel. I also love to visit big cities - I have no desire to live in the city again but I sure do love to soak in the vibe for a few days. My husband, not so much. So, he sends me off on adventures while he stays home with the kids, and vice versa. Then when we get back together we (make out like mad, and) go through photos, tell stories and get back to our life together.
I find that we are better spouses, better parents, better people when we get the chance to have some “me” time. Being married is about becoming one, yes, but there are two parts that make up that union. We don’t need to lose our individuality in order to be married to each other. We agree on this and support each other in adventures…and then welcome the other on home with mad love upon their return.
What do you think? Are separate vacations good for a marriage?
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Hm. I think that I would miss my husband too much. Child care is definitely an issue for us too and we haven’t taken a vacation together, alone, since our daughter was born…but I would rather stay home with him than take separate vacations. When I asked him, he looked horrified and said, “People really do that?! What’s the point?”
We share a lot of common interests though - and activities that each of us love independently also interest the other (i.e. I ride dirt bikes, he never really did; he surfs, I never did) enough that we want to try/learn from each other.
But in the end, whatever works for couples works for them. If that means separate vacations, then, it is what it is.
Phe | January 26th, 2010 at 11:38 am
I think there is a huge difference in my mind between a vacation (to me, at LEAST 5 days away - preferably somewhere warm and beachy) and a trip. A 3-weekend to visit a girlfriend in Chicago = A trip. A week on the Carolina Coast = A vacation.
I think seperate trips are great - my husband and I have gone to visit friends/family solo and this usually means staying at someone’s house or sharing a hotel room with them. But a vacation with a 10-day condo rental on the beach? I would want my husband (and frankly my daughter) there with me.
kakaty | January 26th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Great point, Kate.
What we always do is take trips (A weekend snowmobiling for him, a BlogHer conference for me, etc.) There is NO WAY either of us would go to, say, Mexico or Hawaii without the other. That would just feel weird.
Angella | January 26th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
My husband and I have yet to have a vacation, together. Not even a honeymoon. And with his deployment looming, it looks like we won’t get a vacation together until winter 2011ish. So I can’t speak from experience.
But I have taken vacations (more akin to trips, per Kakaty’s definition) separate from him and he has left for Army weeks/weekends, so I do think time apart is beneficial for us, but I wouldn’t go somewhere exotic or even away for an extended amount of time without my husband. We have a lot of world to see together, and I don’t want any other partner with me for those vacations.
barbetti | January 26th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
My husband usually gets away to a friend’s cabin for a guys’ weekend every year and it’s always been cool with me. Just last week I finally decided that I wanted to get away for a weekend (that didn’t involve some sort of volunteer work or being a soccer mom), so I’m going with my teenaged daughters and my mother-in-law for a spa trip on the Island. Fancy hotel, facials, massages, shopping and coffee houses…BLISS! We haven’t even gone yet and my MIL and I are already into making this a yearly thing.
I see no reason not to persue our interests separately in a marriage. It may just strengthen the bond you have when you’re back together again.
Procrastamom | January 26th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Angella: Thanks for clarifying in your comment. I take trips all the time, for work. He’s taken a couple too. But vacations are different and I didn’t pick up on that differentiation in your post.
Phe | January 26th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
I absolutely love separate vacations. Mainly because my husband doesn’t like to travel. And I have found that after 3 BlogHers that separate vacations are awesome. Plus what’s he gonna do hanging out with my lady friends that he doesn’t know?
I’m surely not dogging taking vacations with your spouse, but God bless the ones without!
Carrisa | January 26th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
I think it’s a great idea! I just don’t think we’ve gone it yet. We both love to travel and share mostly the same hobbies. If one of us is planning a trip - the other wants to go too
I mean I’ve gone to visit my mom or my brother without him if he’s on call - but I think that’s it.
He has a work trip to Tampa in March and you better believe I’m going too! I can work remote so I’ll just work at the hotel while he’s at the conference and then we can go out to eat and explore Tampa together.
I’m sure this will start to change this year when kid #1 arrives. We don’t have babysitters close by either!
NOTE: We’re also only on year 3 of marriage!
Jilian | January 26th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
I have a group of friends that decide 11 years ago to start taking the trips we’d always wanted that our husbands didn’t. We’ve done everything from overnight at a spa to our 10th anniversary trip - 10 days in Hawaii. Our attendance fluctuates depending on the trip from 2 to our high point of 6, but even the trips I haven’t be on I’ve been a virtual part of. We’re all avid photographers and we have boxes of photos from earlier trips and gigabytes of photos from later ones. I’ve been to places my husband would have hated and been lucky enough to do it with women I love.
Now that my kids are grown my daughter (19) joined our most recent “Chick Trip” and is a welcome member of the group.
Now I will say if you never want to travel with your husband that’s probably something that should concern you, but spending time with other people makes the times that you are together more interesting. If you’re never apart what do you talk about?
Monica | January 26th, 2010 at 5:18 pm
I liked the trip/vacation differentiation.
I don’t think vacations are bad for marriages, but I more so believe that vacations are GREAT for marriages. I went on a trip to the Dominican Republic a couple years ago with my best friend, sans husbands, and though we had a great time, I thought every day how much I would have loved to do this with my husband. The truth is, you marry that person because you want to be around them and also because they can stand to be around you! I reiterate that we had a great girls week away, but I think from now on our time away will be reserved for trips and not vacations.
We both work hard and taking vacation time off is difficult. Planning for vacations is a lot of work and usually money. It makes sense that we work hard together so we can play hard together. I don’t want to share that with anyone but the one I love the most!
sharrison | January 28th, 2010 at 11:50 am