I have the NY Times Motherlode in my feed reader because the posts often make me think. When one is marriage-related, I’m even more interested because, hey. I have this whole marriage-related column. Fancy that.

A recent post there is one that I flagged because I think the topic is a good one: “What Does It Mean To Be A Good Wife?” While I have no desire to get into a debate about whether or not a woman these days can make gravy from scratch (I can!) or sew a button (Who can’t?), the final part of the column kind of irked me a bit.

Read the rest of this entry

It’s his birthday too.

My husband, my love, my Matthew is celebrating his 33rd birthday today.

(This means that I am now only two years ahead of him, instead of three. You better believe that he milks my older age for all it’s worth.)

Here is where I admit that I have failed immensely making his day special. I told him that I was going to write a post in his honor on my personal site (as I always do) but he asked me not to. Words of affirmation are my thing, so I feel a little constipated.

I told him that I would be leaving work early and  could make any dinner that he wanted, or pick up his heart’s desire on my way home.

He opted for hamburgers which, uh, seem a little boring.

This might be the time to bring up the fact that I haven’t bought him a gift. I keep asking for ideas, he keeps saying he doesn’t need anything other than clothes and…I’m showing up empty-handed.

Read the rest of this entry

My husband and I will be celebrating our tenth (!) wedding anniversary in May. Our kids are old enough to understand the calendar (Well, the oldest is - his brother lives in a constant state of “I don’t know” and his sister is only three) which means that the topic of our wedding has been brought up as of late. This past weekend we hauled out our wedding albums, much to the delight of our little monsters monkeys.

Looking through the photos got me thinking about that whole day and how once it was over and we were on our honeymoon, my husband and I both agreed that if we were to go back in time and do it again, we would have eloped.

It’s not that the day was bad or anything. It was fine and good and I ended up married to the love of my life when all was said and done. It just wasn’t amazing.

We paid for our own wedding and refused to go into debt to do so, which meant that we put a lot of hours into preparing things ourselves and cut corners where we could. We made centerpieces but there were no decorations. We had our reception in the gymnasium at our (large) church which did not make for a magical atmosphere…nor did it allow for wine and/or dancing. We had dinner, made the rounds to say hi to everyone and then the party was over. Well, another party was about to begin but I’ll spare you the details.

Read the rest of this entry

I’ve started reading The Happiness Project and am thoroughly enjoying it. When I saw an article on Yahoo! Shine titled, “5 Habits Of The Happiest Couples” I was led to click through. The five points she listed made sense and I thought I’d share them here and put my spin on them.

1. Reach out. It’s far too easy to get wrapped up in our own busy-ness and stresses. Making the effort to ask your spouse how they’re really doing can do wonders for your connection.

Read the rest of this entry

My husband and I are coming up on our tenth anniversary (!) which has led me to wonder what we should do to celebrate such a momentous occasion. We’re hoping to get away for the weekend (Maybe Vegas! For the first time! We don’t gamble, but we do like tigers).

Whilst pondering such a great milestone, I wondered about the “traditional” gifts. I know that one of the years are paper, and one of them is wood and, well, I really had no clue as to what the annual gifts were supposed to be.

Thanks to About.com, I have been schooled in anniversary gifts. They have the 1st through 100th (WOW) wedding anniversary gifts listed.

The traditional gift for the tenth anniversary is tin. The modern gift is diamonds. Hook. Me. Up. I think it’s time to start playing the anniversary gift game, if only to give us some creative ideas.

Do you do “traditional” anniversary gifts?

I’m back working in an office that I’ve floated in and out of for the past nine years. The senior staff are pretty much the same group as what existed back when I first started. As such, we have a history and there are a few that I consider to be more than mere colleagues; they are friends.

One of these friends seemed a little quiet and “off” last week, so I asked if everything was OK. He told me that he’d talk to me in a bit. A few hours later he emailed me to say that I could come talk to him if I wanted to.

The details are no mine to share, but his marriage has fallen apart. It is done, done, done.

Hearing of any marriage ending makes me sad, but when it happens to someone I actually know my heart aches on their behalf. I want to do something but it has been my experience that there really is nothing I can do but listen. I have not walked the same path, so I have no advice to share and cannot commiserate about the heartache they are experiencing.

What I can do is just be there. To listen, to nod in sympathy, to just let them know that I am here whenever they need me.

I still feel so helpless, though. Any advice from those who have lived through it would be much appreciated.

(I usually try to use the term “spouse” in my titles to make any male readers I have feel included but based on the comments, I’m pretty sure that men do not read this column.)

(If there are dudes who read, feel free to set me straight.)

My husband likes to shop. He is no way a metrosexual (Not that anything is wrong with that) but he hates when his clothes are worn and/or outdated and likes to remedy the situation.

He also loves to help me shop. A (large) part of it is likely the chance to watch me strip in the change room. Aside from the free show, he also has valuable input. He has no problem telling me if something is just not working and he also has no problem telling me if (he thinks) I look HOT. He’s pretty much the most perfect shopping partner ever.

As if his shopping prowess with me was not enough, he has extended his awesomeness to our three children. With me back in full-time employment and him working part-time around school hours, he’s been the One In The Know when it comes to the kids’ clothing needs.

In addition to “The Basics”, he set out this past week in search of an Easter dress for our dear daughter. He emailed me a photo of said dress (I silently squeed), then proceeded to buy it, as well as some other necessities (Her shirts were all starting to look like tube tops).

I know that my husband is a rarity in our circle of married friends, but maybe it’s just because we live in a small town where many couples fall into more “traditional” roles.

How does it work in your relationship? Does your husband like to shop? Or is it something akin to being lashed with a wet noodle?

The lovely team over at Ladies Home Journal added me on Twitter last week. This was quite nice as you know I’m always looking for marriage articles to discuss for my Friday posts and I hadn’t thought to check out their site. Shortly thereafter they posted a link to one of their articles titled, “10 Creative Dates“. As someone who (ceaselessly) promotes making time for regular “Date Nights” and who is always trying to break out of same routine, the article caught my eye.

A few of my favorite ideas from the column:

A progressive dinner. Appetizers at one place, dinner at another place and dessert somewhere else. Different locations not only have different atmospheres, it would give your stomach a chance to digest before you assault it with more food.

Taking a class together. I’ve always thought that taking a cooking class would be fun - how much more so would it be if I had Honey for company?

Read the rest of this entry

I read a post from a friend of mine where she was pointing out some major flaws in a religious organization and in some of its ideologies. While I agreed for the most part about the complaints she was making there was one point that led to a lengthy email exchange where I cleared up some misconceptions about a well-known Bible verse.

“Wives, submit to your husbands.”

Unfortunately, when taken as a stand-alone phrase and out of the context it was written in, it sounds pretty horrible. Over the ages domineering men has used it as a way to “put women in their place” and establish themselves as the “head of the household”.

The thing is, that is not at all what that passage is about. The very next sentence says, “And husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church”. A little history lesson here: Jesus died an excruciatingly painful death for his church. Whether you believe the Easter story of resurrection or not, the history records do not dispute his crucifixion.

Any good pastor worth his salt will explain what the passage means. The bulk of the entire passage is written to the husbands - they are to take care of their wives, to cherish them, to be willing to die for them. And submission does not mean “ask permission”; it basically means to trust your husband (The guy who has been instructed to put your very well-being before his own) if he has any qualms about decisions you are making. He loves you and wants nothing but the best for you.

How does this work in our relationship? Well, we talk about anything and everything with each other. My husband is my biggest cheerleader and spurns me on to fulfill my dreams. As we talk about options laid out before us he will express reservations if he doesn’t think something is in my best interests (Like when I say YES to everything people ask of me). He doesn’t “forbid” me to do anything; he just loves me and wants to see me flourish.

Because I know that he loves me and that he knows me like nobody else does, I trust his judgment. For the most part. If it’s something that I really want to do he never stands in my way. And if things don’t go the way I hope he never throws an “I told you so” but instead picks me up, brushes me off and holds my hand.

So, yes, I submit to my husband because his dreams for me are far better than my own. And he loves me with a fierceness that is indescribable. That is how marriage was intended to be, in my opinion, Bible verse aside.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic.