Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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I’m back working in an office that I’ve floated in and out of for the past nine years. The senior staff are pretty much the same group as what existed back when I first started. As such, we have a history and there are a few that I consider to be more than mere colleagues; they are friends.
One of these friends seemed a little quiet and “off” last week, so I asked if everything was OK. He told me that he’d talk to me in a bit. A few hours later he emailed me to say that I could come talk to him if I wanted to.
The details are no mine to share, but his marriage has fallen apart. It is done, done, done.
Hearing of any marriage ending makes me sad, but when it happens to someone I actually know my heart aches on their behalf. I want to do something but it has been my experience that there really is nothing I can do but listen. I have not walked the same path, so I have no advice to share and cannot commiserate about the heartache they are experiencing.
What I can do is just be there. To listen, to nod in sympathy, to just let them know that I am here whenever they need me.
I still feel so helpless, though. Any advice from those who have lived through it would be much appreciated.
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It makes my heart ache just hearing about it too. You’re a good friend.
I’ve never been married or dealt firsthand with anybody’s divorce so I don’t have any advice- but it sounds like just listening is a great way to go.
K | March 12th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
I as well have never been officially divorced, but I survived a common law separation that I refer to as ‘the divorce’. Let’s hope I never know the real thing.
It was awful. And we weren’t even nasty. It was still awful. However, I had a realization that was like the phoenix rising from the fire. Amongst my feelings of pain was the realization of how many people loved and cared for me. I have amazing friends and family and am truly blessed.
So there you go. You are the friend, one of hopefully many, that will help him though.
Heather | March 12th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
You are a good friend. I think being aware that you have no advice to give, only care and support, speaks volumes all bu itself.
Danica | March 12th, 2010 at 4:43 pm
A friend of mine is going through a lot right now, her Husband left and she is miserable. I am in the same boat as you, not really knowing how to help her because I have not dealt with anything like she has.
Eric's Mommy | March 12th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
I don’t know either. My sister is going through what may end up as a divorce. The last divorce in our family occurred in 1947. But Prince Charming is in a downward spiral (alcohol abuse) and isn’t safe for her baby to be around him at this point. Nor will he admit change is needed. So what can we do? Just be supportive of her need to feel loved and in control (of what she can control).
SKL | March 12th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
I’m divorced. Just listening really *is* the best thing you can do. Keep being his friend; those can be hard to come by when “couple friends” take sides (or disappear completely to avoid taking sides). Including him in social activities, even if it’s something as simple as a few coworkers going out to lunch together, would be really nice. So many social activities are geared towards couples that it’s easy to feel left out.
It’s wise of you to realize you don’t have advice to give. And don’t worry…he doesn’t really need advice anyway. The worst “reassurance” I got from friends and family is that I would meet someone new, which assumes that a new relationship is the only hope. It’s not. He can be perfectly happy single…and honestly, in my opinion a person needs to be capable of being content alone before s/he can ever hope to be content with someone else.
Amelia | March 15th, 2010 at 10:16 am