Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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I have the NY Times Motherlode in my feed reader because the posts often make me think. When one is marriage-related, I’m even more interested because, hey. I have this whole marriage-related column. Fancy that.
A recent post there is one that I flagged because I think the topic is a good one: “What Does It Mean To Be A Good Wife?” While I have no desire to get into a debate about whether or not a woman these days can make gravy from scratch (I can!) or sew a button (Who can’t?), the final part of the column kind of irked me a bit.
Is it finally time to just replace the word with “partner”? After all, isn’t that what we’ve really should have meant all along?
I don’t disagree that I am Matthew’s partner. If you’ve read anything about our relationship, whether here or at my personal site, you know that we are equal partners. Truth be told, he pulls far more weight around the house than I do, much to his friends’ chagrin.
That aside, is that the only “title” I want to have? “Partner”? Hell to the no. It’s like throwing my marital commitment out the window, in my (oh, so very) humble opinion.
I have chosen to stand before family and friends (and God) and make vows. A covenant. Part of that ceremony, for me, is the ability to refer to myself as a wife. I am bonded to my husband and part of that union is the chance to differentiate myself from the me that I was before I met him. I am now a wife.
I spent the better part of our first year of marriage looking at him in awe. That is my husband. I am his wife. How did we get here? I loved the new role in my life and hold my title as “wife” in high regard.
Relegating all married women to the sole status of “partner” seems like a step backwards. We are partners, but so are roommates and good friends. I am more than his partner; I am his wife.
Besides. If we throw out “husband” and “wife”, what’s next? Throwing out “Dad” and “Mom”? The thought of my children calling for “Parent” rather than “Mommy” or “Daddy” makes my heart a little sad.
What are your thoughts on the wife/partner title?
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Whenever I think about why it’s so important that we get legally married when the only thing that stands in our way is the paperwork (the commitment is certainly already there), it all comes down to my wanting a public title that reflects the commitment we’ve made in our hearts. (And he, knowing that, calls me “wife” already.)
Leah K | March 30th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Not really in answer to your end-question, but allow me to meekly raise my hand and say that I cannot, in fact, sew anything, to include buttons. I’ve even tried, but they just fall off.
I fail. I know.
Phe | March 30th, 2010 at 11:27 am
I completely agree with you Ange!
Jen | March 30th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Partner is a much broader word than wife. Partner can mean business partner, partner in a relationship, partner in crime to hijinx and pranks. When you say wife, there is no question what you mean.
And I like saying I’m a wife. Because he has no other wife. He has other partners, but no other wife.
Carrisa | March 30th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
Even friends of mine who are among the most egalitarian I know, down to the child having her last name (and yes, they were married before child came along) well, now that they’re about 10 years in you hear them saying wife & husband a lot more than they used to.
So I would venture, yeah, there is something special about it.
Mich | March 30th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
I agree with Carissa’s comment. The word “partner” can mean many things. I mean, look at Toy Story! Howdy, pardner! Using “wife” is clearly less ambiguous. I prefer to be a wife. Or even wifey. Either is fine!
Hannah | March 30th, 2010 at 4:08 pm
I think I actually like partner better. I don’t think being a “wife” necessarily means my husband thinks of me as an equal, but to me, if my husband thinks of me as his “partner,” it does mean that he thinks we’re equal- in our relationship, in parenting, in everything.
I can’t imagine ever referring to a roommate or a good friend as a partner.
-R- | March 30th, 2010 at 9:46 pm
I don’t like “partner” for that role. It doesn’t imply exclusivity nor endurance. Also, while it does imply that whoever chose the title is hung up on “equality,” there is such a thing as unequal partners. Furthermore, a partner is someone who owns his part of a thing. It says nothing about unity. It is the antithesis of “becoming one.” So, maybe that is what some women want, but it’s a lot different from what “wife” represents.
SKL | March 31st, 2010 at 12:07 pm
I’m not too fond of the word wife. I’ve been one twice and I never liked the term back then either. It’s just a word that means nothing unless both people are committed to making the partnership work.
It also conjures up images of Leave It To Beaver, Mrs. Brady, and Marrion Cunningham. Yuk and no thanks.
I like partner in crime, relationship partner, and partner in hijinx (like somebody posted below). That’s what I’ve had now for 4 years and it’s working much better for both of us.
A partnership like Bonnie & Clyde, Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russel, or Mr. and Mrs. Smith (fantasy but totally cool) has more appeal to me and keeps things from getting all routine (at least for us).
But if you like wife that’s cool too.
Monica | April 3rd, 2010 at 11:31 am