Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
|
My husband told me about a phone-in conversation on our local radio station where they asked people if they returned gifts upon the dissolution of the relationship. There were arguments for either side.
One camp argues that a gift is a gift and to ask for it to be returned is not only inappropriate, it is rude. If a friendship fades away, you don’t then approach that friend and ask for all of the gifts you exchanged to be returned.
The other camp argues that if you buy something such as an engagement ring, and that engagement is broken off, then the ring should be returned to the one who purchased it.
I look at the people close to me and see that the stories differ. A good friend was engaged, it ended, and the ring was returned to the one who purchased it.
I had a Promise Ring (Gag if you must, but it was a two-year relationship)(And I was eighteen). We went our separate ways, me with the ring in my possession. I did not even think about giving it back since I was the one saying goodbye (And it really wasn’t fancy or expensive). Our split was amicable, happened for no solid reason, and yet eighteen years later I still have a ring in my jewelery box that will never be worn. I probably could have given it back, but what would he have done with it?
When relationships end do you give everything back? Or do you store them away because they were gifts to you?
Subscribe to blog via RSS
Haha. I had a promise ring of sorts (from my Canadian boyfriend no less) and when we parted ways, I kept the ring. But like you, the ring wasn’t fancy or expensive so I didn’t feel that much of an obligation. I never wear the ring but I still have it (6+ years later). If I had a fancy, expensive engagement ring and we split up for whatever reason, I would give it back for sure. I would feel guilty keeping it.
K | April 23rd, 2010 at 8:10 am
I got engaged three years ago, and the guy broke off the engagement a year later, it turned out so he could be with some other girl he’d been cheating on me with. I didn’t know about the cheating at the time. I gave back the ring, partly because I felt it was the right thing to do, and partly because I’d always hated the ring (yup, even when he proposed) and didn’t need an ugly reminder of the relationship gone wrong.
HOWEVER, I could have gotten at least $2k for that ring, and I really could have used the money, considering my ex got to keep nearly everything in our joint household and I was left with almost nothing. And considering the circumstances of the breakup, I really wish I’d kept it and sold it for cash. Call me callous, but that would have bought me another month or two in Europe, or all the furniture I needed for a new apartment.
My personal opinion: the one who breaks off the relationship should at least be offered the opportunity to keep the ring. I wouldn’t have given the ring back if I could go back in time and re-do that decision.
A Little Coffee | April 23rd, 2010 at 9:51 am
I agree with A Little Coffee….I was in a relationship where I was cheated on. If I had an expensive diamond ring, I would keep it just out of pure anger and the fact that he wouldn’t deserve that ring being returned. I did however, have a necklace with a small diamond in it (probably cost around $200) that I ripped off my neck in front of him, threw it in his face and told him to go somewhere warm. And possibly a few other expletives were said….
Needless to say, I’m ridiculously happy with my guy, and he’s miserably single.
On the other hand, if it were an amicable break-up, I’d give it back for sure. I like to keep the peace, unless the peace needs to be disrupted!!!
Shelly | April 23rd, 2010 at 10:57 am
I think an engagement ring is different than gifts given during a relationship. I would never consider returning gifts because they were gifted to me. An engagement ring? I would return if I was the one breaking off the engagement. If I was being dumped? I’d keep the ring and sell it and use the money to go on a fabulous holiday.
hillary | April 23rd, 2010 at 11:08 am
My ex kept everything of mine, including gifts from our wedding that he would never use (the coffee maker) and gifts he had given me…over a certain dollar value. If it was worth more than a couple of hundred bucks, he kept it.
I kept the ring and hawked it. Then I went out and got drunk with the money. This was obviously before I had a child and re-married. It was worth every penny/drop to get that thing out of my life and ensure that he never saw it again either.
Phe | April 23rd, 2010 at 12:13 pm
I have received jewelry from several boyfriends, and I’ve kept it all (and some I’ve continued to wear because I love it so much.)
However, I gave my wedding ring back when I got divorced. It was his great-grandmother’s ring and I didn’t want to be the bitch who stole Oma’s diamonds. So I gave it back.
I think when it comes to family heirlooms, or something that is really important to your ex (his Letterman jacket, for example…I mean, if I was 18 and was dating someone who actually had a Letterman jacket) then why keep it to be vindictive? Just give the thing back. What are you going to do with a 4-sizes-too-big jacket with a highschool/college logo on it?
xox
heidikins | April 23rd, 2010 at 12:59 pm
My husbands first wife (who is a piece of work in many ways) will not return his grandmothers engagement ring. She is so bitter, we think probably just to spite him she threw it out/sold it. It is just stuff and things but it wouldbe nice to have back in his family. Oh well, life goes on and we can always get more stuff (if we want)
Tanya | April 23rd, 2010 at 1:14 pm
I kept my ring from a broken engagement and six years later I still have it! During the year we were friends after that, he said I could keep it, but then after he got a new girlfriend and said he couldn’t be my friend anymore, he asked for it back (a year later!). Since he was being a total dick about everything, I held onto the ring figuring I’d give it back when he decided to act like a grown up. Well…that didn’t really happen, so I still have the ring stowed away somewhere.
Leah K | April 23rd, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Ooh! Forgot to mention that the ring was MADE for me, so I kind of felt like he shouldn’t be allowed to just go out and sell it or, heaven forbid, give it to the next girl who came around. Is that weird?
Leah K | April 23rd, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Loving your comments, you guys!
Leah - if it was MADE for you, it *would* be weird for someone else to buy it or for him to give it to someone else. It was custom made for YOU.
Angella | April 23rd, 2010 at 2:16 pm
I felt my ring was tainted and I would never wear it but didn’t feel right selling it so I gave it back. (It was a (gag) Promise Ring and I was 18 too!)
Dayna | April 23rd, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Because the diamond in my wedding ring is a family heirloom (it was his grandmothers, then his mothers, now mine) I would at least give that back. In fact, my FIL very tactfully (and embarrassed-ly) asked me about that before our marriage. I wouldn’t dream of keeping something like that if we split up.
I doubt I would give other stuff back, though I have been known to in the past just to get rid of the person!
sherri | April 23rd, 2010 at 5:58 pm
I have a charm bracelet that an ex-boyfriend gave me, but I never really thought about giving it back. We kind of drifted apart, as opposed to breaking up. We stayed friends afterwards (and we still are today). I don’t think he expected it back. What would he have done with it, given it to his next girlfriend? That seems odd.
To me an engagement ring is a bit different. I don’t think I’d want to keep it if the engagement was broken off. I’d return it so the guy could sell it.
Hannah | April 23rd, 2010 at 6:57 pm
My ex and I broke up shortly after my birthday (a week!) and I offered that he could return my presents. He told me to keep them. My reasoning was that we both knew things were not working at the time of my birthday (obviously!) and the number of birthday presents had me in the lead. (I know, I’m weird)
However, it was not an engagement ring. You put on an engagement ring after accepting to marry someone, n’est-ce pas? So I think you should give it back if you are reversing that decision. However, I think the story changes if the giver of the ring is breaking the relationship off. It would still be polite to give the ring back, but not to ask for it. A gift is a gift.
Sell your ring! Or, get it made into something else for yourself. Or for Emily.
Heather | April 24th, 2010 at 12:51 am
In BC, Canada people have actually been to court over the engagement ring issue (which is not that surprising when you think about how much some enegagement rings are worth).
The general law is that if the guy broke off the engagement, then the girl can keep the engagement ring but if she broke it off, then he is legally entitled to have the ring back. Interesting eh?
As for other gifts, a gift is a gift and the giver is generally not entitled to get it back unless it was made clear in the beginning that it was conditional in some way.
Leanne | April 24th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
I was engaged for a few months then my boyfriend moved back to Atlanta. I was glad to send back the engagement ring and a digital camera. He did owe me money for car payments (since repaid) and I would have hawked the ring but I had no idea he was going to stiff me. However, in all the Judge Judy episodes I’ve seen, I have learned that I should have never paid for his expenses and that I was right to send the ring back. I learn so much from TV!
Mona | April 25th, 2010 at 10:53 am