Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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I read an article over at Divine Caroline about couples who are married who choose to live apart. We’re not talking about separation here; we’re talking about choosing to get married but staying in your own places. A quote from the article:
Proponents of keeping things separate say that allowing each person the freedom to be him or herself within the relationship helps each to be a better and happier partner. Opponents say that the negotiation required to overcome personal differences and learn to function together as a unit is the most invaluable aspect of marriage, and couples that structure their lives so that they never have to inconvenience themselves are, in essence, cheating. Some also worry about the lessons absorbed by children living within these types of families; they could come to believe that marriage is a completely individual pursuit that doesn’t require any adaptation, compromise, or sacrifice.
My thoughts exactly (The latter part, of course). Marriage is about making a commitment to share your life with another person. To grow with them. To create experiences (and a life) together. If you’re going to live in a separate space and just get together for the “fun times”, why even bother getting married?
What do you guys think? Would you be married but maintain a separate home?
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I know a married couple who own separate houses but unlike in the article - the couple had no children at home (each had grown children from prior marriages), they were older and each had been divorced for quite some time. The reality is they live in one house together - but the other is sort of an in-town retreat instead of paying to go on a retreat elsewhere.
I could see a temporary living apart and have seen it more than once among academicians. Until you’re established in a field you go where you can get a job. I’ve known two married couples that lived apart for five years while one worked to get a job in the area the tenured one lived. Some universities are now more attuned to that issue but generally only when recruiting or countering an offer.
I can see it when one child has a legitimate shot at a dream (Olympic, acting) but they don’t want to uproot other kids for what might not come true. It is one thing when dad & one child go for 6 months to see, another when you move a family of five only to have to move back when it doesn’t pan out.
I can see it, I can see how it could happen - but I don’t see generally see it being a long-term path to a happy marriage.
Mich | May 14th, 2010 at 8:23 am
I can’t imagine voluntarily choosing to live apart, but due to employment circumstances my fiancee and I have never seen each other through the week. We own a house together where we spend weekends, but we also both rent apartments in separate cities where we both work. It’s an odd lifestyle and most of the time I just want to spend ONE MORE NIGHT with him in our own house but at the same time, it’s our goal that this lifestyle isn’t going to be permanent and we both know that when children enter the equation we need to be together.
Kerri | May 14th, 2010 at 9:18 am
We currently have separate residences due to work locations, about 350 miles apart. It has been interesting.
We have been married 35 years and spent the first 30+ years co-resident. Spending the week days living in different locations now has made the last few years different, but definitely do-able. Communication and a good cell-phone plan is key. {*grin*}
On the other hand, I cannot picture the separate living arrangement working well during the early years of a marriage without the accumulated shared life experience to cement the bond and smooth over troubles.
Oh, and BTW, our son is now an adult so the issues of kids at home never arose.
Dan | May 14th, 2010 at 9:29 am
It’s one thing if it’s temporary for work, but no. As a long term solution I think it’s ridiculous. The whole point of marriage is spending your life with someone and I just don’t see how you can do that if you can’t even bring yourself to live with that person. Plus, I think it opens the door for other things to come in and ruin your marriage. Like temptation. Also, it’s doesn’t seem very financially responsible to pay for two households instead of one. If you can’t bear to part with your house, you can always rent it out or invite a relative to live there. People should live with their spouses. If you need your space then find a house that gives you your very own room to spend time in like a craft room or a library. Or try girls night out. But separate living takes away from a marriage. If I love the man I married as much as I should love him, there’s no way I’d want to live apart from him.
Carrisa | May 14th, 2010 at 9:58 am
My mother in law actually has a friend who’s done this. She and her husband both have children from other marriages. The kids didn’t get along so she bought a hosue 2 doors down from him and moved out. They say it works, I say it’s unhealthy.
Teaching kids you can run from your problems or that the world should revovle around your every whim is dangerous. Add to that, that God states clearly a man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and you’ve kinda got a recipe for disaster. It’s in living with Corey (even when I’d like to make him sleep on the lawn) that I’ve learned to love him, that my children have learned that contrary to what I think, I am NOT always right and that a good and healthy marriage takes word not just love.
Ashley Stone | May 14th, 2010 at 10:29 am
Never.
Hannah | May 14th, 2010 at 4:14 pm
I’d never do this, but eeesh. Maybe some people shouldn’t be so harshly judgmental of people who choose this option (Not talking about you Angella). Wouldn’t work for me, but just like we shouldn’t define marriage as between only a man and a woman, we probably shouldn’t declare that ALL MARRIED PEOPLE MUST LIVE TOGETHER.
slynnro | May 15th, 2010 at 1:12 am
My husband and I had separate bedrooms in some cities (when we’re lucky enough to have a 3rd bedroom) and have lived on opposite sides of the country for months at a time on several occasions. Works fine for us and, let’s be honest, who doesn’t enjoy a little extra personal space?
Emily | May 15th, 2010 at 8:09 pm
I didn’t realize it was being judgmental to expect a married couple to live together. I can understand separate vacations. I can understand separate social lives. I can understand separate beds. I just cannot understand separate homes. The line has to be drawn somewhere. Unless you’re partaking in a green card marriage or a temporary work situation.
Carrisa | May 16th, 2010 at 10:43 am
I think that if a couple finds that their marriage works better in two households, then that’s the way they should do it. Even if there are kids involved. If the rate of successful marriages lies around 50%, then I think the kids that see the divorces are going to be affected far more than the ones with happily married parents, with unique living situations.
Most of the comments have a reasonable explanation for the separate living situation. As well, it doesn’t seem to be a permanent plan. I wonder how many people live separately as a long term choice rather than a matter of temporary circumstance?
My boyfriend and I know that when we do get married, we plan to live together. That’s the whole point for us! We also know that there will be challenges to living together and are prepared for that.
Heather | May 16th, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Having just read a story in Motherlode (http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/12/when-parents-remarry-each-other/) about one of those couples that marries, divorces, remarries (each other) I wonder if a separate households marriage might not be the ticket there.
Mich | May 17th, 2010 at 10:25 am
I don’t think I’d ever choose to live apart from my husband but I’m not going to judge anyone for choosing what works best for them (not implying that you are, Angella, just sayin’.)
hillary | May 17th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
I probably could, though I’m so cheap, there would have to be a good reason, not just my desire to play the piano at 3am.
But then, I have never lived alone, so I don’t think I would have trouble adjusting to sharing.
I could see it where the spouses had good jobs in different cities and no kids at home. My ex-boss had that arrangement and frankly, it may have been better that they lived together only on weekends and vacations. They were both on their second marriage, with the first one being more traditional, and as far as I know, they are still going strong (now in different countries) some 12 years later.
SKL | May 18th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
My husband and I have always lived apart. We are older, had been divorced for many years, have grown children, and are very happy with the living situation we have. It’s worked for almost 20 years, and I see no reason to change it.
We are totally committed to each other and to the relationship. We cherish the fact that we are married. Our family is completely supportive of both our marriage and our choice of living arrangements.
We enjoy the flexibility that our housing arrangement gives us. We live in a town where housing costs are very low, and both homes are fully paid for. We maintain separate finances as well but have no problems chipping in on major expenses for one or the other house (or for anything else, for that matter!).
It may be a different definition of marriage, but it works beautifully for us.
PJ | October 26th, 2010 at 11:06 am