Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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While perusing the {cue Optimus Prime’s voice} World Wide Web for marriage articles I came across a Canadian Parents article titled, “Happy Marriages: Can They Be Predicted?” I was (obviously) intrigued.
I read through the article where the scientist in charge of the study (Oooh…important) described how they had different couples move into an apartment in order to observe their interactions. The observations occurred between nine a.m. and nine p.m. and excluded bathroom time (PHEW).
The groundbreaking result of the study:
What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.
Excuse me if my intelligence comes into question but all I can say to that is, “Well, DUH”.
You mean that if I spend my days berating my husband and calling him down (Or him, me) that our odds of succeeding are not good? File that under OBVIOUS. You wouldn’t stick with a friend who ripped you apart - why would you stick with a person who is supposed to be your life partner and biggest support if they did the same?
I do not tear my husband down. Not to his face, not to my friends, not online. He rarely gives me reason to, yes, but even if he did…I promised to love, honor and respect him. How would I feel if he tore me down? Horrible, that’s what. Do unto others…
People may think that I am sugar-coating or not giving the whole story, or whatnot. Truth be told, I often hold back on sharing how amazing my husband is because I don’t want to come across as an arrogant douchebag. (Not arrogant, just thankful that I married a man who is not only my equal partner, but who truly is the better half.) He is proof that men can be hands-on in the home and with their kids and are still manly men.
ANYWAY.
Tearing people down in any situation is nothing but a recipe for failure. It doesn’t work with kids, it doesn’t work with friends, it doesn’t work with spouses.
This isn’t rocket science.
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You’re right. It’s not rocket science at all.
Carrisa | May 28th, 2010 at 8:50 am
Exactly. It pretty much boils down to the formula: you get what you give.
Procrastamom | May 28th, 2010 at 11:10 am
I completely agree with you. I think the best marriage advice is something many couples surprisingly lack: Be Kind.
That said, I have a little different perspective on this article. I have actually read the book that this article is about (at least it seems to be - John Gottman?) And I will say that his book offers much more detail and practical advice.
My husband is a chaplain in the Army and has taught this material at several marriage retreats/conferences with Soldiers & their spouses (along with 5 Love Languages and various others). Though it seems like it is obvious, my husband & I have discovered many people do not apply these principles to their marriages on a regular basis. I certainly would not say this “scientist” has the corner on the market - much marriage advice is the same, just packaged differently. I would recommend at least a skim through the book though.
Sara | May 28th, 2010 at 11:40 pm