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Committed: The Ties that Bond

with Angella Dykstra

I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.

Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.

The REAL secret to a happy marriage

Categories: love, marriage, sex

10 comments

I wrote the other day that the secret to a happy marriage was…helping out around the house. While I do think that it is a huge part of the equation (Happy wife = happy life), I don’t think that the number one secret to a happy marriage is housework. It would be kind of sad if that were the case, don’t you think?

I think that there is something else that beats out everything else as the biggest key to a happy marriage: Have sex. Lots of it.

Oh, please. We’re married, people. We’re supposed to have sex.

Why am I talking about this today, despite having referenced things like “The sexperiment: Seven days of sex” in the past?

It’s because my husband and I haven’t had sex this week and I’ve noticed a difference in our relationship. The dry spell is not without reason (I’m “unclean”)(TMI, but true)(Pray for him; I get a tad “moody”) and so we haven’t had “sexy time” for a few days. This happens every month (obviously) and every month I notice that things aren’t quite right for the better part of a week. It’s not that we fight, it’s more like we don’t connect as easily when we’re communicating. We’re also not as affectionate as we usually are and just discussing every day things seems to take extra effort.

On the flip side, the rest of the month everything seems to be a smoother ride (Heh). We communicate better, we connect emotionally, we’re affectionate. It is good.

(Side note: When we were trying to get pregnant with each of our three kids and having sex EVERY DAY we were ridiculously affectionate and connected and schmoopy.)

So that’s where I’m at - I fully advocate having as much sex as you can in order to keep your marriage in balance. The newborn years are tough, I know, and at that stage in our life we were lucky to have sex once or twice a week. That’s assuming a small being didn’t wake up needing my boobs more that my husband did.

Now that our youngest is almost four (WHAT THE HECK?) we aim for every day but with our busy lives we end up making it happen about five days a week. Yes, really.

How about you? If you aren’t to shy to share…how often do you have sex?



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10 comments so far...

  • 5 days a week after all this time? You are my hero.

    We have significantly less sex. And I don’t even have any kids to blame it on.

    Carrisa  |  June 4th, 2010 at 9:30 am

  • 5 days a week! I’m impressed given your jobs, kids and busy lives. Go you!!

    I’ve noticed this too- that the less we have sex, the less connected we are. I’m gonna get on that right now. (HEH!)

    sizzle  |  June 4th, 2010 at 10:04 am

  • I agree that’s it one of the key points to happy marriage for sure!

    5 days a week! No wonder Matt is always smiling. ;)

    I think we probably average twice a week. More like twice a day when I’m ovulating but not because we are trying to get preggo, it’s just what my body does.

    Maybe one day when my thyroid is under control and my iron count isn’t nearly non-existent, I’ll have the energy to boost it up to three time a week. ;)

    Jen  |  June 4th, 2010 at 10:41 am

  • Wow! That sounds like fun :)

    I want to know how you fit it in. Actually, I’m sure the answer to that is “You just do”, but how do you fit it in when you are tired? Do you just stop everything else? Leave stuff alone and make the time?

    You know that one day I want your marriage Angella!

    Heather  |  June 4th, 2010 at 1:03 pm

  • We do three or four days per week. Sometimes less if I’m working a lot of evenings. If I come home at 10 pm after cleaning poo of the underside of ten public toilet rims (exaggeration) (sort of) and the dinner dishes are still on the counter….it’s just not going to happen.

    Danica Grunert  |  June 4th, 2010 at 1:06 pm

  • Dammit. Coulda had a Canadian. Are you all like that?

    Simon  |  June 4th, 2010 at 2:29 pm

  • Simon - Well, Danica and Jen are fellow Canadians, so it looks like we do (ha!) alright.

    Angella  |  June 4th, 2010 at 2:31 pm

  • Wow… I find it amazing that after all these years together you still WANT sex that often! I don’t think my libido would permit it. I’m good with once or twice a week and seriously have no desire for more than that. Then again, I’m on the pill, so that might have something to do with it. Maybe if I were to go off it, I’d want more sex, but that’s a bad bad plan right now.

    A Little Coffee  |  June 4th, 2010 at 2:58 pm

  • Holy craparooni lady. I mean, I knew this, but going through extreme marital distress in the last year or so meant that we were lucky if it was five times a MONTH.

    I love reading your articles because they give me hope that SOME people out there have happy marriages. And I hope to as well. One day.

    Thanks for being awesome.

    Jen  |  June 4th, 2010 at 8:06 pm

  • I am happy with my sex life. My husband is not. I would say we avearge 4 times a week (not including other sexual contact). He thinks its not enough and accuses me of not loveing him any more. Im here for advice i want to keep my husband happy.

    notsure  |  July 19th, 2010 at 10:34 am

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