Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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This past weekend the sun (FINALLY) shone and I took a good hour or so to sit on the deck and read magazines whilst refusing to feel even a titch guilty about it. While I was flipping through the magazines I came across an interview with David Code, who has written “To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First“. And then yesterday morning on Facebook I saw that our very own Lylah had linked to an article she had written about the same book and author titled, “Are you using kids to escape your marriage?”
I haven’t read his book, but based on the interviews I’ve read and what he’s had to say in them, I do believe that he’s speaking some truth. I talk about Date Nights and their importance quite a lot, but usually from the main angle of keeping your relationship strong and healthy, kids or no kids. But I can speak from my personal experience that the happier my husband and I are, the happier our kids are, and vice versa.
Kids need security and to know that their home base is concrete. As much as my kids squirm when my husband and I are affectionate in front of them, you can tell that they secretly love it. When we go on date nights (or to Vegas) we explain to the kids that we love them immensely but that Mommy and Daddy need time to be just us. They get it, because they have seen the results.
I know that we all lead busy lives. but I’d love to hear from you on this one. Do you put your marriage first? Or your kids? What do you think is the best balance for you?
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I’d like to think I don’t put one “ahead” of the other, but I treat them both as a priority at different times. I have young children, one who is two and is still a real mommy’s boy. I spend a lot of time with kids during the day. But in the evenings once the kids go to bed it’s time for my husband and I. We are also lucky to have lots of support around, so date nights are a regular thing for me.
I also think a lot of the priorities depend on the age of your children. I don’t think my 2 year old is really paying attention to his parents marriage, whereas I think my 5 year old is a little more in tune with it.
Another great post!
Jenn
Jenn | June 15th, 2010 at 10:07 pm
I kept my opinion out of my article for Boston.com, but I’ll share it here: I don’t think it has to be either your kids first or yoru spouse first. I think as long as you make a conscious effort to keep your marriage among your high priorities — rather than letting it fall to the bottom, which is all too easy to do — both your marriage and your kids will be better for it. Not just because parents need date night or need to stay connected, but because kids need to see what a loving marriage and friendship is in order to create the same for themselves later in life. Some days my kids need a lot more attention than my marriage. Some days they’re just fine and my spouse needs me to focus on him. (Some days, I’m the one who needs attention, and I need to get better about letting people know). It’s a juggle, just like everything else we do!
Lylah | June 16th, 2010 at 9:35 am
Marriage is the foundation of a family and it needs to be strong, and in order to be strong, your spouse needs to remain a priority.
The best thing my parents have done for us is loving each other first, even if it meant taking a vacation once a year without us, and extending that love to us.
Your spouse should be with your forever; your kids leave home at 18. And when they leave, the best example of the kind of marriage they want to have should be yours.
I agree with Jenn that how those priorities are handled depends on the needs of everyone in the family at the time, so the couple will need to adapt how they take care of each other during the tougher / busier times.
My point above is not that the couple comes before the children or is a higher priority (tagain hat all depends on needs….), but rather that it is the foundation and stepping stone to the family.
FrenchNad | June 16th, 2010 at 10:03 pm