Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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Please note that I do not profess to be a marriage expert in any way, shape or form. I have, however, been married for ten years and have been reading marriage articles (that I can find) for the almost two years (!) since starting to write this column. Marriage is hard work (I like to state the obvious) but it doesn’t have to be something that you endure. It should be something that you enjoy. You know, aside from the whole living with a boy thing.
Here are some things that come to mind when I think about how to make make marriage easier (Not easy, easier).
1. Make the commitment
A friend’s Mom once said to me, “Love is not merely a feeling. It’s a commitment.” My husband and I vowed “’til death us do part” which means that divorce is simply not an option. We are committed to make it to the end. We can either get there begrudgingly, or have fun along our journey. We choose the latter because the former sounds a little bit awful.
2. Pick your battles.
I know - we hear this all the time. I’m not talking about battles over who gets more time with their friends or who gets to buy the next “toy”. I’m talking about the little things. I’ve been part of conversations where women are griping about toothpaste lids and how the toilet paper is hung and about how the dishwasher is loaded. While these are surely life-pressing issues (/sarcasm) are they really worth getting into a fight about? A spouse who perpetually puts car keys where you can’t find them, however, is a whole ‘nother story. I kid! Maybe.
3. Put your spouse first.
Women’s lib, women rule, blah, blah, blah. This point goes both ways. If you love someone, you want to make them happy and so you do little (and big) things that make them smile and brighten their day. I’ve found that in all of my relationships (marriage, kids, friends, etc.) that the more I pour out, the happier I am and the more that comes back to me. Everybody’s happy.
4. Make the best of it
Before I was married I had a number of different roommates and while the situation always started out great, we eventually moved on for a number of different reasons. But your spouse is not simply a roommate; they are a life partner. You’ve made the commitment to make it to the end - why not have fun doing so? Be playful (water fight, anyone?), be flirty (I won’t share the dirty details) and just enjoy each other.
Do you guys have any tips that have worked for you to make your marriage easier?
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You could say I’m still a newbie at marriage since it’s only been 4 years, but I have been with this man for 11 years total. It’s not always easy. And when it’s not easy I remember my wedding vows. They are there for a reason. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. Sickness and health… till death do us part. It’s heartbreaking how people can be so quick to say the vows but then not actually follow through.
My sister’s husband decided that after 2.5 years of marriage that he was no longer happy and no longer wanted to be married. Instead of talking about it with her and trying to resolve things, he just let it fester inside him for 6 months while she went on oblivious. After 6 months of having mentally checked out of the marriage he dropped the bomb on her. He was done. No counseling, nothing. He wanted out and nothing she could do would change his mind.
It’s really sad to think that you loved someone enough to publicly commit your life to them but not enough to actually fight to save it.
I would highly recommend the movie Fireproof to any married couple. And also the book Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs.
My marriage may not always be full of passion and spark, but it is full of love and respect.
Carrisa | June 29th, 2010 at 10:45 am
It’s part of your second point - I try to remember to let go. Yes, it drives me crazy when he leaves his socks on the floor and I have to chase the pups around to get the socks out of their mouths (I don’t care so much about holes in his socks but I do care about spending thousands of dollars on removing socks from my dogs’ intestines.) But no, he doesn’t need to hear about it every single time. Harping on him about it isn’t going to make me feel any better and it certainly isn’t going to make him very happy. In a perfect world he would just pick up the damn socks but I know that we don’t live in a perfect world
hillary | June 29th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
ha
I was just wondering WHY every morning when I come downstairs the corner (coffee) cabinet is left swung open. As much as it annoys me it also makes me smile - because that IS my husband 
He’s a tornado - especially in the mornings.
I’m also a firm believer in not sharing toothpaste. It’s the key to happy marriage!
Jilian | June 30th, 2010 at 8:28 am
Don’t share toothpaste and make sure the refrigerator has an ice maker.
My problem is letting go and doing for others. Sometimes, at least one week a month, I feel like I do everything. When is someone going to do for me? I know I shouldn’t feel this way but even after 19 years of marriage I just want to say, no you get it and while you’re up get some for me also.
mama2boyz | June 30th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
Communication is key for me and my husband. Our kids schedules are so hectic that we rarely spend more than an hour a day together. We tend to let things build up and then I find myself giving him the “silent treatment.”
We have to regularly remind each other to talk - once we do, we feel so much better and close again. It is a lesson we keep learning over and over. We have been married for 15 years. I hope we get to the point where we “get it” soon.
Julie Ann | June 30th, 2010 at 7:27 pm
Forgive. Forgive. And forgive. And share a laugh on a regular basis.
Aneta | June 30th, 2010 at 11:55 pm