Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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I am a married woman. I have been married for ten years (and four months!) and happen to like my husband. Not only do I like him, I love him. I also lust him and if you’ve paid attention to the photos I’ve posted here, it should be pretty clear as to why that is. He’s tall (6′2″), dark (skinned; dude turns a deep shade of brown in the summer) and handsome (muscular build and baby blues).
I don’t talk a lot about sex online or about our sex lives in general (other than that it happens many times a week). I don’t think that the intimate (Heh) details need to be shared online, nor do I need to read the details of anyone else’s sex lives. I mean, people do it, and I’m glad you’re happy but I don’t need to know the ins and outs, you know? (Hee.)
Here’s where I wonder why making innuendos about having sex with your husband are so shocking. I don’t talk about it a lot here, because the label causes many pre-conceived notions that make me cringe because I hate to be associated with labels that don’t apply to me.
I am Christian.
Telling people this means that they will assume that you are a judgmental prude who looks down your nose at everyone. Unfortunately, that is how Christians have been portrayed in the media (as assisted by a select few “prominent” Christians who are making the media’s job easy). None of that is Biblically based and Jesus was the furthest thing from a judgmental prude. Just sayin’.
ANYWAY.
My husband sent flowers to my office yesterday (see above photo) and I promptly took a photo of them and updated both my Twitter and Facebook with a link to the photo and the following status:
“These were just delivered to my office. Someone’s husband (mine) will be “busy” tonight.”
I thought about saying, “Someone’s husband (mine) was going to “get some”" but thought that might be a little overboard. And YET. I had a TMI (Too Much Information) comment which only made me laugh because it came from another (married) Christian woman.
Ladies, PLEASE. According to my Bible, God CREATED sex. Why so skittish? I don’t need to hear the nitty gritty details, but innuendos are FINE. It means that you’re not spending your evenings alone with a TV remote instead of something a lot more fun.
Why is it so “taboo” to make vague reference to sex? I’m a MARRIED WOMAN. I have THREE KIDS. Odds are, I’ve had sex at least three times (four, actually; I miscarried).
Where do you stand on this? Do innuendos embarrass you? Or do you share it all?
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LOVE IT! Sex is a natural part of life. A very natural part. In fact, you can’t create life without it! So, why is it such a shameful topic? I don’t get it. (I mean I do, “get it” - married for 9+ years
- but don’t get the reaction to innuendo.
I have a Mormon friend who is very conservative and she is just fine with innuendo’s about sex or even just talking about “it”.
It isn’t a dirty, shameful experience - or at least it shouldn’t be. Revel in it. Sex feels good physically and emotionally…
We should celebrate the topic - not hide from it…
Daria @mominmanagement | September 24th, 2010 at 9:12 am
You know me. Always pushing the limits of TMI.
When I do mention sex in passing on my blog though, it’s not my girlfriends, or even strangers, that I’m worried about. It’s my grandma. And my other grandma. And even worse - my father in law.
Danica Grunert | September 24th, 2010 at 9:31 am
What I’m interested in is that you had one single comment about the getting busy remark you made and your reaction to this single comment so far spans a dozen tweets, an entire Work It, Mom column and more discussion on Facebook. At this point I think you might need to be the one to drop it!
Kate | September 24th, 2010 at 9:47 am
I’m with you. All the play-by-play details are way too much. However, innuendo is great and fun. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, why get all “omg, TMI!” about it?
Kate, I think it’s something important to discuss. In our society it seems as though we either get inundated with sex (I personally don’t mind sex on TV in the prime time hours, but not everyone appreciates it) or we get told we shouldn’t talk about it at all. A middle ground would be nice, and I think it’s great for Angella to get us talking about it.
Sherry | September 24th, 2010 at 10:24 am
I tend to shy away from posting anything too personal about my relationship on FB or Twitter out of respect to my husband. Also, I don’t want to “force” anyone to read information about me that they might be uncomfortable seeing. Innuendos don’t usually bother me when they come from close friends, but I’m friends with family members, old friends and colleagues on FB and I think in certain instances they’d certainly make me very uncomfortable.
Rhi | September 24th, 2010 at 10:33 am
I’m totally with you. Innuendos do not embarrass me, I’m more of a 12-year-old boy like you. They fly around our house with wild abandon, and with friends too. Not anything detail-oriented, just HUMOR. Fun.
If you don’t have a sense of humor? YOU SHOULD GET ONE.
Mrs. Wilson | September 24th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
I actually agree that it’s ‘TMI’. I am also a married Christian woman, and I think it’s fantastic that you have a great sex life and are comfortable talking about it. However, you should try to see it from other people’s points of view; if it makes them uncomfortable, then just respect that they are not as liberal or open as you in that regard. Try not to be offended because it has nothing to do with you, but just appreciate that every one has different comfort levels and may simply not want to hear about that part of your life.
I make the assumption that most people who are happy in their marriages are also satisfied with the intimate side of their marriage, but that doesn’t mean I need to hear about it. I think it’s great to confide in close friends about it but respect the fact that many others do not want to hear about it.
Those are my two cents
Jane | September 24th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Jane - I appreciate your two cents. I do. I am not being sarcastic in any way. I mean it.
But if such an innocuous statement offends someone, I have to think that a) they haven’t read the Song of Solomon and b) They might need to stop reading.
I was as low on the innuendo pole as possible (see above comments) and I wasn’t offended by the TMI comment in any way…it just struck me as funny because it was so stereotypical.
Angella | September 24th, 2010 at 5:29 pm
I obviously don’t know the TMI lady but I didn’t actually take that comment the way you did, thought it was more like a throw away “get a hotel room” kind of comment that anybody (irrespective of beliefs or stereotypes) might have made BUT I do agree that its sad that Christians can come across as antisex and therefore portray that God is antisex. Crazy! I’m a married Christian woman who enjoys sex with my husband very much and has it on a very regular basis. I can’t say I thought twice about your comment or the TMI comment except that it sparked these discussions. (Out of curiosity what has she said about all this….I’m assuming you’ve talked about it or might she stumble across it??) I personally am openly affectionate with Paul and am quite comfortable to talk in general terms about sex but I don’t tend to talk about it much online at all. My rule of thumb is not to put anything out there that I don’t want Paul’s exgirlfriends or my inlaws to know. Also, my MIL is often full of innuendo (or genuine TMI *shudder*) and while I’m happy that they have a healthy sex life I do NOT want to know the specifics, nor do I want to see the nude photos displayed on the fridge *tries to erase image from burning eyeballs* (whole other story!!) .
Ooops this got kinda long, sorry Angella! Enjoy your husband and rejoice that you don’t have hangups about it!
Robyn | September 24th, 2010 at 5:58 pm
Sorry I should have explained that the reason why I mention that my MIL being full innuendo or more is that I make any slight comment that way then I’m likely to get asked questions that I’m not prepared to answer or to hear more than I want to so I steer well clear when it comes to them. She is really a lovely lady and I get on well with her but just a bit more out there than I’m comfortable with given our relationship
Robyn | September 24th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Think of it this way. The person who wrote TMI was sharing something intimate with you. She was sharing that “I feel a little embarrassed (or whatever) when my mind pictures what others may be doing in their bedrooms.” This made you feel uncomfortable. Why? Why not just accept that different people have different comfort levels? Obviously you can’t please everyone, but “TMI” doesn’t mean “you suck” or “I’m gonna send you a mail bomb.” Furthermore, most of the time I see it used, it’s in jest.
Personally, I’m not big on sharing or hearing about others’ bedroom antics. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with doing it, liking it, or even sharing it with someone who is interested in such a discussion. But I don’t go looking for that and I shy away when I see/hear it. It’s just not for me. Different strokes for different folks, OK?
Another thought. If this little comment bothered you so much, . . . why?
SKL | September 24th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
As for “TMI” being “stereotypical,” I don’t get that. I guess you are saying it’s something you’re likely to hear from married Christian women, and no other group. Hmm. First of all, I’m not married and I’m not a follower of any specific religion. But I know enough about religions and people to say there are plenty of more extreme prudes who are single or who follow religions other than Christianity. I really think this is an individual thing. My mom will say stuff I don’t want to hear and certainly would not say. You know, kinda like some of us don’t think eating chocolate or drinking alcohol or buying shoes is an upper.
SKL | September 24th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
Definitely not TMI. It was (legal, Biblically-sanctioned, non-graphic) innuendo, not a sex tape you posted to FB.
I agree that we should be conscious of and respectful of others’ reactions and boundaries, but if what you’re doing is fun and innocent and well-spirited, I think that’s all you owe the public at large. Someone can always find offense in anything, but that doesn’t mean we have to live our lives according to that rule. If I couldn’t privately, respectfully breastfeed my child in public on the chance that someone would think it inappropriate, I would have had one very unhappy baby on my hands.
Leah K | September 24th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Wow, such an innocent comment has certainly lead to a lot of discussion. I guess you aren’t allowed to say what’s on your mind anymore for fear of offending someone.
That said, I don’t think you would back down from saying what you wish. I definitely have to say that your comment was VERY innocent and really not that big a deal (I’d say the same about my beliefs and sharing them online…for the same reasons you stated actually). Actually had I read your post as it happened…I’m pretty sure I would have laughed…and had I received flowers like that, I’m pretty sure I may have said the same thing. 
Amanda | September 25th, 2010 at 8:17 am
My husband and I are also Christians (who don’t like to be associated with the prevalent image of the traditional Christian). And we make sexual innuendoes like crazy. Honestly, it’s kind of fun to see which one of our friends will squirm. Some people need to have their sensibilities offended!
Rachel Heath | September 25th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
I think it makes a difference whether or not I know the person in real life. Like, you can tell me all you want to about your sex life and I’m totally good with it because I don’t actually know you. But if a fb friend did it? I would get a mental image IMMEDIATELY. Wouldn’t be able to help myself. And THAT significantly ups the “eww” factor.
I’m a Christian, and I don’t have any problem with sex. I also don’t have any problem with pooping. I think both are GREAT and feel WONDERFUL. I’d talk about either with pretty much any of my friends. However…I don’t mention either on fb. You know what I’m saying?
Amelia | September 27th, 2010 at 3:32 pm
I came across your blog in looking for some information on human sexuality and why it seems so taboo a subject.
Why is it OK to talk about our next door neighbor being a raging alcoholic who beats his wife but not OK to say that you had great sex with your husband last night and get a big high five for it? Let me just say, “High Five”.
Why is it too personal? Is it because we have been told that women shouldn’t have those kinds of feelings? Because it does seem that it is OK for men to talk about. Where did that type of thinking come from?
As a society it seems it’s fine to use the illusion of sex and sexual attraction to sell products because that’s making money, that’s business but it’s not OK to actually have sex. So in the abstract…in theory…sex is fine but don’t do it and if you do, don’t discuss it. How did we get that attitude? Who first decided that sex was a hush hush subject and why did we go along with that?
I don’t have the answers as to why but I do hope that it’s changing. Sex should be celebrated because it is a wonderful gift.
Just Thinkin' Bout | February 12th, 2013 at 9:13 am