Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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It seems that the moment a couple gets married, or even starts dating seriously/moves in together/gets engaged people from all aspects of their lives feel that they have the right to ask the question, “So when are you guys going to have kids?” It seems to be assumed that as soon as you are a part of a couple, the next step will be to make little variations of you to form a “complete” family.
I always knew that I wanted to be a Mom and my husband always knew that he wanted to be a Dad and thankfully, we have been able to become parents to three of the coolest kids that this planet has ever seen. Because we both knew that kids were in our (hopeful) future, I didn’t get to upset with the questions about when kids were going to happen for us. I still found it intrusive at times, yes, but chalked it up to insensitivity on the parts of others.
The thing is, many couples nowadays are choosing not to have kids. An article over at Parent Dish quotes some statistics about how one in five women go through life without having kids, whereas than number was one in ten in the seventies. Some women are choosing career over starting family and some women (from what I’ve seen) just don’t feel that motherhood is for them. Instead of doing what our culture seems to “expect” them to do, they are listening to what they want to do.
I know a few couples who are childless by choice, or who haven’t quite decided whether they want kids yet, and I know that fielding the, “When are you going to have kids?” question got old a long time ago.
Do you want to have kids, or do you feel that your family of two is complete? Or maybe you haven’t decided yet? If you already have kids, did you always know that was the case or was it a decision that came later?
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If I say “no”, is it too late?
Mrs. Wilson | October 22nd, 2010 at 12:04 pm
We haven’t decided one way or the other. We fluctuate from wanting to have kids and not wanting to have kids and we’re okay with the indecision for now. Both sets of our parents? NOT okay with the indecision. We get (different kinds of) pressure from both sides. It is totally assumed that we will have kids one day, no matter what, and that day should be soon. It’s frustrating because there are so many factors to consider. What if we can’t get pregnant? We’re not sure (right now) that adoption is right for us as a couple but the pressure we feel to supply grandkids makes us feel like if we did have problems getting pregnant, adoption is a given. I get very ranty when I think about it. Especially considering that we’ve only been married for 2 years! We have lots of time! Argh.
hillary | October 22nd, 2010 at 12:45 pm
Did we “want” to have kids. Yes. Are we going to have kids. No. We made a choice due to a variety of different things, but we knew that we wouldn’t be the parents that we would want to be. Instead we enjoy the wonderful things our friends kids bring to us, and one day might perhaps adopt. People have no idea how heart wrenching and intrusive the “so, when are you having kids” question can be.
Susan Knight | October 22nd, 2010 at 5:22 pm
No thanks, I’d rather not. Oh wait…it’s a bit late. All 3 are at a sleepover at grandma and grandpas and it’s way too fun.
Always thought I’d be a mom but sometimes question my sanity on that decision. It’s mostly good but I sure appreciate the quiet and “me” time when I get it now! I occasionally grieve a little about the careers I haven’t had yet. I have work on the side and active hobbies though, I think that keeps me relatively balanced.
Tannis | October 22nd, 2010 at 10:40 pm
My husband has always wanted kids. I was slower to warm to the idea, and I definitely wanted lots of married and childfree time together. Now that we’ve been married for 8 years, we’ll probably get around to kids soon.
Teri | October 23rd, 2010 at 4:11 pm
Yes! We want to have kids! Except, it seems we can’t. At least not biological ones. Maybe we should’ve got pg in high school after all! We’re not sure what’s next. The question of ‘do you want to have kids’ doesn’t bother me at all, I ask people too. I’m nosey and am especially curious when they answer no…or…we can’t.
Ruth | October 23rd, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Thank-you for writing about this.
My husband and I have been married 9 years. When we were first engaged, we figured after 5yrs we’d start a family. That marker came & passed… babies were nowhere on my radar. I turned 30 this year and all around me, friends are having babies. I think my biological clock is broken or something… there’s no inclination whatsoever.
My parents are a-ok without assuming the title of grandparents. I know that it’s a huge disappointment to HIS.
Most of society sees our child-free by choice way of living as weird. Selfish. (yes… but I’m ok with that. People have babies for very selfish reasons too.) Many automatically assume we CAN’T… never thinking that maybe we just don’t WANT. I wonder how many people really think long & hard about WHY they want babies… I can assure you that deciding to go against societal norm and remain child-free was not without a great deal of thought. I’m not sure when it became ok to ask “When?” instead of “Are you going to have kids?”… and why I must justify this decision.
As for family… well, our little family feels complete. Myself, my husband and our 2 wonderfully behaved, well adjusted dogs. We are our own family, just not the conventional kind
Bleh, sorry for the rant. This is a very relevant topic for me… but I’ll sign off with a little tidbit of info - I’ve been pondering this: I have 2 aunts and 1 great aunt on my dad’s side who never had children. Could it be in my DNA or something?
Seriously… can you think of another family with 3 (4 incl me) women who didn’t have children?
Me neither!
Jennifer | October 24th, 2010 at 9:58 pm