Prior to meeting my now-husband I was anti-cohabitation. BUT we ended up living together for two years prior to our wedding (after dating for three years) and so far it’s worked for us. I think the motivation behind living together is what’s important. If you know a marriage is in the future, I think relationships are much more likely to stick. I think many people use living together as a ‘trial run’ and if they end up splitting because of it, it’s probably for the best because personally I would have rathered end a cohabitation relationship than a marriage. If living together is what it takes for people to realize that the relationship isn’t going to work out, so be it.

I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever marry someone without living with him first. NEVER. Whenever I hear statistics like this, I can’t help think there’s something more at work than simply “commitment,” and it’s this: religion (or conservative values in general.) Couples who don’t live with each other before marriage are more likely to be religious. And couples who are more religious are more likely to stay together, whether the marriage is working or not, because they feel a religious obligation to do so. Therefore, couples who don’t live with each other before marriage ARE more likely to stay together but…yeah, it doesn’t actually mean that cohabiting caused the breakup.

When I got married, I wanted to be sure it was to someone I knew I was compatible with, not just someone I *wanted* to be compatible with and was committed to being compatible with whether we actually were or not. We all go into marriage with different expectations and goals, but *knowing* we’d get along in the same house was a must for me; I’d never feel good going into a marriage merely *hoping* it’d work.

(Obviously you and Matthew are a great match and it worked out well for you, but you also had a SUPER quick courtship and engagement, and for couples who need more time than that, it’s often a sign of trouble if they’re willing to live apart from each other for, say, six years.)

I think Leah might be on to something with the religious correlation, and Kerri with the idea that living together with the intention of marrying is different from living together as a trial run. Anecdotally, most of the people I know who lived together just to try it out did eventually split up, while those who lived together only after they were engaged or married are still together. So that jibes with the findings of the Australian study.

That said, Troy and I never lived together, unless you count living in the same dorm as college students, which I don’t. We started dating in February and he moved across the country in July. We got engaged in October and married the following March, and then immediately moved to San Diego together. So we spent the majority of our time dating hundreds of miles away from each other, and we’re still happily married 15 years later.

My fiance moved in exactly a month ago (we’ve been together for almost 7 years). We are planning to marry in March 2012 but I just bought a house (March 2011) and his apartment lease (where he was living with his sister) was up in July. He moved in because it would be a lot more $$ to rent by the month and I was living in a 3 bedroom house all by myself. It just made sense for us. We have the commitment though and are (obvs) planning to get married.

I can’t imagine NOT living with someone in some capacity before marriage.

Especially tricky for us was the blended family element. I wasn’t going to wait until after marriage to see if living with B and his daughter really worked. I HATED to be living together (though we were engaged) if it didn’t work out, but also didn’t want the figuring out of not working to happen until after marriage and then put everyone through a divorce.

I don’t think there’s any one right or wrong answer; it’s all VERY personal based on many different starting points.

We shared living quarters but maintained separate bedrooms and all that implies until we were married. I had moved across country w/my son to be with my (now) husband and we knew we were getting married. Financially and for our boys (blended family) it made sense to maintain a joint household. It worked for us.

Our story is similar to yours, except that we dated for longer (1 year) before getting engaged, and had a longer engagement (1 year). But this was partly due to my age, I had only just turned 21 on my wedding day.

Well, we didn’t live together before we got married 11 years ago, but just the other day my husband and I were discussing the fact that there have been times, for both of us, over the years where we wished we weren’t married because it would have been easier to leave. Yup, we both wanted to break it off at one time or another. The vows we took held us together in the hard times (and we’re both very glad they did!) But if we were merely playing house, it would definitely have been easier to split.
I’m glad we married. And I’m glad we’re still married.

I lived with someone during university (so my early 20s), for almost 4 years. We started dating last year of high school and moved in together 2 years later. We eventually broke up. We did intend to be “together forever” and get married after university, but life intervened and it didn’t work out. When my next serious relationship came along, I was terrified of being blind-sided like I was the first time, and I insisted on being engaged before we moved in together. For some reason, that mattered to me. We lived together, engaged, for 18 months, before we got married and we are still married after 14 years (and two kids).

I would always, always counsel a young, never married/never co-habited person to live with their prospective partner before marrying them. I will counsel both my children to do so too. If that means separate bedrooms like previous commenters, so be it - that’s a personal decision. But merge your lives, merge your finances (as much as possible) and merge your living space before making that final leap. If I was to do it over again, if I found myself as a middle-age, single Mom, I’m not sure I’d live together first - it would all depend on the children in our lives and how it would all mesh. But I’d like to think as mature adults who’s “been there”, we’d have much better insights into ourselves and each other.

I agree with Jess - you can’t compare the split-up rates of married vs. nonmarried couples. You have to compare the divorce rates of married couples who cohabitated verses those who did not.

Also, I hate that everyone thinks you’re less committed if you are not married. I have lived with my BF for almost 7 years, and we may get married some day, we may not. But our finances are completely joint, we have the same goals, love our families, etc. There is NO WAY we would break up and have it be less painful than a divorce. It would be exactly the same, perhaps with less paperwork.

We dated for about 8 months and then got our first apartment together. We learned to pay bills, grocery shop, delegate chores, deal with different lifestyles… you know, like when you’re married! The only thing that is missing is a ring and a wedding. It doesn’t mean we love each other less than if we were married. If anything, an expensive wedding would put a strain on our graduate student budgets and probably cause relationship problems!

I lived with my SO before we were married, so I don’t know what it would feel like to be married 9 years without the additional 18m of co-habitation. We are both individuals with deep faith and a similar understanding of commitment.

My parents did not live together before and are happily married (34 years later). My FIL was married, didn’t co-habitate and thier marriage ended in divorce. He remarried (husband’s mom, my MIL), didn’t co-habitate and they have been married for 41 years. I turely believe that marriage or any committed relationship must have a common understanding of commitment as well as an understanding of and willingness to put in the work and sacrafice needed to make the relationship successful.

I do not believe you can accurately gauge commitment by looking at divorce rates, number of children, socio-economic status, religious beliefs or other markers. It is personal and only the individuals can truely know their own level of commitment.

I konw what worked for my husband and I, I know where we struggled and where we still struggle. I would never presume to encourage anyone to do one thing or another, absolutely. What worked for me could be a disaster for your or your son/daughter.