Last week, I received an email from a long-time reader — both of my personal site and this here column — and she was looking for some advice.
Remember when I commented “What’s so hard about marriage”? Ha! Ha ha ha ha! I was so naïve. And it hasn’t even been 2 months!
Month 1 - awesome. Honeymoon.
Month 2 - ouch.
I was totally unprepared. We had lived together for a year so I really didn’t know what would change. That was not so bright on my part - we had discussed what would change!
I’m not really writing for advice per se, more so because you write a marriage blog and maybe these are a couple of topics you might be interested in.
I told her that I consider her a friend, and I’m never too busy for friends, but I could always start a “newlyweds series.” I am no expert (NOT AT ALL) but I survived the newlywed stage, as did family and friends of mine, and I could do my best to provide commentary/resources/feedback from you other lovely readers.
So, that’s where we’re at over here.
Her first question was this one:
How do you say you’re sorry? I said some stuff that was very hurtful. Of course, I said I was sorry a lot. I don’t think it’s really okay. I mean, we will get through it, but it will be a while before things are back to normal.
Conflict is not my favorite, but I will bring up stuff in the hopes that it can be talked about, hashed out and resolved. I am also one who says sorry for breathing too loud. My husband avoids conflict AT ALL COSTS which can cause issues. He’s come a long way in eleven years of marriage and gets big kudos for it.
That aside, we’ve both done/said stupid things for which we are sorry about. If the apology is sincere, then I think that the onus is on the recipient of the grievance/apology to “man up” (or “woman up”) and accept the apology. There is no need to torture the one who is sorry by making them suffer. I’m not assuming that your husband is doing so, but just wanted to throw that out there.
I don’t know what was said. If it was something that was really hurtful, wounds take time to heal, even if he has accepted your apology. My best advice is to just show love to him with words and actions and by living your lives together.
Do you have any advice for our friend? Or have newlywed questions you’d like to throw into the ring?