Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
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I don’t know what constitutes a “healthy” sex life, exactly, but I have to guess that it constitutes actually having sex. As I mentioned last week, my husband attended a conference in Atlanta. One of the sessions he attended was about marriage and there were some statistics that shocked him a little bit. There are people our age (mid-thirties) who are married and don’t have sex. Ever.
This does not compute for me. It’s not like I have an insatiable appetite for sex (though the thirties have definitely been better than my twenties), but I definitely like it. A lot. Pleasure aside, it makes me feel more connected to my husband and it gives us a physical bond that keeps us close. As such, we have sex about four to five nights a week, on average. Unless I’m “unclean.” Then we take the week off.
I can’t imagine not having sex with my husband. He’s tall, dark, handsome, funny, witty, and hot, among other great attributes. I can’t resist him. The closeness we get from being physically bonded makes our relationship even better.
How about you? Do you have a “healthy” sex life? Are you both content? Connected? Or do you want/need more?
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Yeesh! I can’t answer your questions ON THE INTERNET Angella, my mom might read
But never? Oh my goodness. Never? Why on Earth? I feel really bad for those married people that never have sex. In their thirties. What is the stat on that? Also, if you are reading and in that category, I would love to hear your thoughts. Even if they are to tell me to go stuff it.
Heather | May 8th, 2012 at 1:17 am
4-5 nights a week? You must not have young kids! I’m lucky if I have time to shower 4-5 nights a week.
A | May 8th, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Heather - Matthew’s at work, and I don’t know if he had the stats in his notes, but he said it’s common. COMMON.
A - My kids are 9, 7, and 5. It’s a great age group.
Angella | May 8th, 2012 at 5:50 pm
If it were up to Noah, it would be every night. And maybe every morning, too. I have a history of sexually-abusive relationships and struggle with intimacy. So, yea. Sometimes it makes me feel connected, sometimes it gives me a panic attack with uncontrollable sobbing.
Mrs. Wilson | May 11th, 2012 at 12:13 pm
sex is about much more than just sex, though.
so the fact that you have a healthy sex-life, and feel CONNECTED (and desired) are huge. you are so very fortunate to have that in your life.
not everyone does.
sex is about how you and your (partner) are towards each other in and out of the bedroom, in my opinion. at least for me, it takes more than a “ya wanna” to let me be interested. and it’s never that great for either one of us if i’m not FULLY interested.
and by the way— no, he’s not always the “ya wanna” type of guy, but you know… it fits for the discussion.
doesn’t help matters when my husband travels FOR WORK. like, that’s a lot of his job. (thankfully, not each and every week; however, much more than your rare encounter of being “single”)
so each and every week we have to, i guess, start over.
connecting long distance is quite difficult.
so, enjoy this discussion. know that you and your husband are lucky. and you know how to work at it. and keep it there. kudos to the both of you. hug (and whatever else) him extra tight tonight!
mpotter | May 11th, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Well.
We’re not quite a busy as you too, probably closer to twice or thrice a week, depending on how busy life is and how exhausted we are (okay, more me than we, there).
I agree that it helps the marriage out. We do feel closer when we have sex regularly. But I still don’t love it, to be honest. As a child of abuse and all my weird emotional stuff it was really difficult for a few years, especially since he wanted it several times a day. And then I would feel guilty for rejecting him, yada yada yada. It was hard.
Now it’s better. We’re older and know each other better. His libido has slowed down to manageable. I’ve had some healing. We’ve found our rhythm. I still don’t love it, but I don’t struggle so much anymore and I try to be really receptive because I know how much he needs it to be emotionally fulfilled. So even though I don’t feel connected while doing it, I feel connected because of doing it.
D | May 11th, 2012 at 2:54 pm