Committed: The Ties that Bond
with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
Before I ever had a husband lined up (Sounds like he’s under fire or something), I knew that I would take the name of my future spouse. It is not that I disliked my maiden name (Moran) (Which jokers would say, “As in MORON?” The joke was not funny the first time…nor the thousandth time I heard it). My main reason for wanting to share my husband’s last name is part of our desire to be “One”. Same family, same name.
I have some friends who kept their maiden name for professional or other reasons. It works for them, except when people are referring to their family as a whole. It becomes a bit of a hyphenated mouthful and we end up just referring to them by their first names. The kids generally take the Dad’s last name and the Mom is the one with a different name.
I have one girlfriend who came through a nasty divorce with her and her five-year-old daughter intact. I asked her if the bitterness towards her ex would cause her to revert to her maiden name but she said she would keep her ex-husband’s name. She wanted to have the same last name as her daughter. She said it made her daughter feel more secure and connected to her, and was easier when dealing with registration for school and other activities.
I honestly do not think that there is a “right” or a “wrong” choice on this issue. We all share the same name in my family, but others do what works for them. It is not a moral issue as far as I can see. It is simply a matter of personal choice.
The reason I brought this up is that I read an interesting article this week (Found via Kirtsy) that discusses the topic of the husband taking the wife’s name. It is not a common occurrence (35 out of 28,000 marriages), but it does occur. The men who choose to change their names come up against all sorts of obstacles and costs that women don’t generally encounter.
Would your husband have taken your name? I know mine would not have, mainly because nobody likes to be called a Moron on a regular basis. Trust me.
What about the name topic in general? Did you/would you change your name? Or do you prefer to stick with the name you were born with?
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So sorry about the moron thing. That totally sucks. People are CRUEL.
I could not wait to take my husband’s name. If I had to spell BRAAM (not Brown or Braun or Bram or Bramm) one more time I was going to have a fit. It’s amazing how many people don’t know how to spell WILSON though. SERIOUSLY!!! Noah would have NEVER taken my name. Partly because he would have found it stupid and partly because he’s the only son in his family. Kaylie was a Braam, but changed to a Wilson as well. Like you said, everyone having the same last name is so much better and easier!
Mrs. Wilson | October 28th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I was very excited to take my husband’s name. My maiden name wasn’t horrible (Fultz), but no one could pronounce it.
I knew from the time that I wanted to get married (oh, around the age of 8 or so) that I would take hubby’s name. I kind of thought of my maiden name as “temporary” because I knew someday I wouldn’t be a Fultz anymore. Sometimes I still use it when I’m contacting someone from my past, but I’m happy to be connected to my husband with our names.
And as for him taking my name? No. Never. He actually told me point blank that he really wanted me to take his name. It was never an option for him to take mine. and that was ok with me.
Mrs. Adcock | October 28th, 2008 at 11:35 am
For various reasons, I would have prefered to have kept my name just the way it is. However, my husband and I compromised and I took his BUT also kept mine.
Having two last names isn’t for everyone, but it works for me.
As for my kids, they just have their father’s last name (I always say, I took the burden of two last names, but they didn’t and shouldn’t have too!).
I do think that everyone having the same last name is easier, but it’s not that unusual for mom (or dad, stepdad or whatever!) to have a different last names. I have found that schools, doctor’s offices, etc. are totally used to it and don’t blink an eye.
BethanyWD | October 28th, 2008 at 11:38 am
It was important to me to keep my last name. My husband would have preferred that I take his last name but understood my reasons for not (and was unwilling to take my last name, so…)
We briefly discussed blending our 2 last names into a new last name, but that seemed to be a bit silly as our compromise would result in both of us being unhappy.
I would consider changing my name if we have kids. I understand the importance (significance?) of having the same last name as your children. I wouldn’t want to hyphenate our last names because we’d end up with a 5-syllable last name. Seems a bit cruel to do to a kid
hillary | October 28th, 2008 at 11:53 am
First, you know what I love about you and, therefore, about you writing this column: you have very strong, admirable beliefs, but you are so openminded to the differing beliefs of others, and you acknowledge that what works well for you may not work well for someone else, and that’s OK. I think we need more of that on the Internet.
Anyway! I never thought about taking my husband’s name until I met Mike, and then I knew I would. I don’t know why there was never a conflict or doubt for me, but I liked his name, and I wanted us to start a family with the same surname. I do think we are two very separate individuals making up one family unit, and the name is just a reflection of that. I know plenty of people who have kept their maiden name, and their reasons make sense to me (my own sister who has a child is one of those people). I love having his name, and I feel honored to use it (even though it’s a mouthful and NO ONE can spell it/pronounce it, not even my father), but it’s absolutely a personal choice and one I wouldn’t think to push on anyone else.
She Likes Purple | October 28th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I loved loved loved my maiden name. It was Spanish and fluid and beautiful and then I married a HICKEY. I took his name and I’m fine with it because people couldn’t figure out my ethnicity before and now with an Irish last name, they’re completely confused.
kirida | October 28th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I too believe it’s a personal choice.
I fleetingly considered keeping mine but my “husband to be” told me if I kept it what was the point of getting married?
Everyone has an opinion
Lee | October 28th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
You won’t believe this story, but I guess I have to share because it, well, fits! I’ve never shared this online before!
Okay, here goes … Rob’s last name used to be Hannah. Yep, that’s right. The same as my FIRST name. When we got engaged, I said I was willing to be “Hannah Hannah”. I loved him, I wanted to take his surname, I would put up with any hassling. He decided that HE would change his name. The first option was changing to my surname (Jacobsen), and he was happy to do that. The second option was to change to his mother’s maiden name (his parents are divorced). It’s not the “prettiest” name around, so he opted out of that. Then my Mum actually came up with the third option. Why not take his middle name (Blair) as his surname? It was given to him by his parents, so had significance, and it works as a last name. So that’s what he ended up doing. Changed it by deed poll, before we were married.
I LOVE the fact that he was willing to change his name to mine, it shows just how much he loves me. He didn’t want me to live with a surname the same as my first, as he knew the confusion and embarrassment it could have caused me. If my Mum hadn’t had that brilliant idea, and if Rob hadn’t liked the idea, he definitely would have become a Jacobsen!
Hannah | October 28th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
truth be told, i didn’t even think about it. i had no LOVE or HATE of my maiden name - Mintz - and i was 20 when we got married. so i took his name.
but i kind of love that i did. i love that our FAMILY is one giant Martell unit. we are all martells. it’s nice. nicer, for me at least, to have them all be martells and have me still be mintz.
but i totally understand why people keep their names. 100%
ali | October 28th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I always knew I would take my husband’s last name because even though my maiden name (Wismont) is pronounced just like it’s spelled, no one can ever pronounce or spell it correctly. Of course, my married name isn’t much easier, but at least it comes sooner in the alphabet! That was a big deal to me when I was a kid, because as someone with a ‘W’ surname, I was always at the end of the line, the back of the room, etc.
Also, having the same name, two becoming one, all that jazz.
I do wish now that when I officially changed my name on all the documentation, I’d changed my middle name from Ann to Wismont. Then I would have been able to keep my maiden name and my initials wouldn’t be BAG.
bethany actually | October 28th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I kept my own name. I always knew I’d do it — I am an only child and I also happen to like my name a lot. My husband was fine with it and we hyphenate our two names for our daughter, who I am sure will hate us for it later when she can’t fit her name on her school forms:)
Nataly | October 28th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Wow. This is a topic I’ve been thinking A LOT about recently. I’m absolutely 100% sure that I’m not going to take my fiance’s name: my reasons are many, but the main one is that I’ve always had my last name, it means a lot to me, and it’s a connection to my father and his father and his father before him. I would feel incredibly resentful having to give it up. So that’s a done deal.
But the issue of kids is complicated. Would they have my name? His name? Both of our names? I did vaguely float the idea of my fiance taking my name — it’s nicer than his, at least in my opinion, and hey, why the hell not? — but he wasn’t particularly keen. I offered up a compromise: if I had to change mine, he should change his too, and if he didn’t want to take mine then why not change it to something meaningful to HIM, like his mother’s maiden name? Then our kids could have my last name and his new one.
He sort of agreed to that while drunk but we weren’t even engaged yet, so I’ll let you know how it goes.
It’s a supremely personal decision, I know, and apparently a fairly controversial one. I guess you just do what works for YOU.
Nothing But Bonfires | October 28th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
If I’d married very young, I might have a different answer here. But by the time I was 28, I had so many things in “my name” that would ba a pain to change - two professional licenses, three college / graduate degrees, my house and car, my drivers’ license and SSN, my credit record, etc. It just sounds like a nightmare to register all those changes, and then to always have to report my “former name.” Given the way I feel about this, I don’t think it would be right to ask my guy to change his name just to match mine and my daughters’. If he wanted to for the girls’ sake, I guess I’d find that really sweet, though I’m not sure I’d encourage it. Where I come from, people would assume all kinds of things about his masculinity.
I do know a young woman who forces her husband to use a hyphenated name just like her. She gets quite upset when he gets mail that doesn’t have her maiden name on it. I think that’s a bit much, but to each his own.
SKL | October 28th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I changed my name. I wish I hadn’t. But too late now. I actually have four names- I kept my middle and my legal last name is Maiden Married (no hyphen). For work, I usually just got by married. I love Aaron, but that wouldn’t have been diminished if we had different names. I don’t feel like a MarriedLastName. I feel like a MaidenLastName.
slynnro | October 28th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I kept my name, for many of the same reasons SKL mentioned (except I was even older when I got married). My kids all have my husband’s last name, though the two that I birthed also have my last name as a middle name.
I always thought I’d keep my name. My mom still doesn’t believe I did, though, and addresses mail to Lylah Alphonse HusbandsName.
Lylah | October 28th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I always knew I would get rid of my name (and could not wait when I was young). Maiwurm (may-worm) was great for jokes like, “June Bug” and just plain laughter over the weirdness of it. Aside from that, every teacher/caller/person struggled within the first glance at how to start … “mae, mie, meh, mah … um…” It was no good.
I’m just glad my husband’s last name started with an M too - I always liked my initials
Michelle | October 28th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
This is interesting to me, because it was such a hard decision for me when we were first married. Really, as an all-women’s college graduate, it was kind of agonizing. And I didn’t do it right away - it took a year or two after our marriage for me to finally get all my paperwork finished.
For psuedonymity’s sake, I’ll share that I (ahem) decided to change my name from “Velma Scooby” to “Velma Scooby Smeddling,” replacing my given middle name with my maiden name. It has worked out well. I use my full name on all legal documents, and used to use it for work, and then for social/kid things I’m “Mrs. Smeddling.”
I thought a couple of the comments above were really interesting. In my case, I went from an 8 letter “B” name to a 7 letter “C” name of similar spelling difficulty, so it was a wash.
Velma | October 28th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
I LOVE my last name (it’s ME) but I also LOVE Simon’s last name. What I love more than both of them, though, is the idea of my whole family having the same last name, in part because I’m definitely the type to get annoyed if someone accidentally calls me Mrs. Simon when I’m NOT Mrs. Simon (yet). I know that once we have the kid it’s going to be that much more complicated, and I’d rather just skip the trouble and go “traditional.” That said, thank goodness Simon has a beautiful last name and a family that I’m proud to be associated with. And thank goodness also that he’d be open to changing his name if I really really wanted him to. (He considered it for his first marriage but the result sounded like a goofy cartoon character.)
(Friends of mine recently combined their last names into a new one when they got married. There was a bit of a kerfluffle with the grandparents, but everyone got over it, and the new last name is perfect for them and SO COOL.)
Leah K | October 28th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
It just seemed “normal” for me to take my husband’s last name; at the time, it never crossed my mind not to. Interestingly now, though, I’ve been attending a Bible study on Covenant Theology and I understand exactly what it means to take your husband’s name. It’s a much deeper consideration than I ever imagined!
Robin ~ PENSIEVE | October 29th, 2008 at 9:05 am
It is important to me that my husband, child(ren) and I all have the same last name. To me, it symbolizes our unity as a family. What name that is, however, I really couldn’t care less. Pre-marriage, when my husband and I discussed this, it was more important to him to keep his family name than it was to me, so we decided to use that as our family name.
My sister didn’t like her husband’s family name. He didn’t like hers. Since they wanted to share the same last name as a family, they made up a new one. Viola!
Robyn | October 29th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I never even considered changing my last name, so I’m not sure why I’d expect my husband to change his.
But it would probably be easier to get him to change his name than it would be to get me to change mine.
rb | October 29th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I changed my name. Although more than half my stuff is still in my maiden name because I really just don’t care enough to change my car registration or my mortgage or any of the utilities over to my new name. What can I say, I’m lazy. However, there are times that I wish I hadn’t changed my name. For example, I go to the same church as my parents - we’ve gone to that church for 15 years. Lots of people know my parents and know me as an extension of my parents. Now when I have to call someone that I know “knows of me” but doesn’t really “know me” I always feel I have to say, “this is Jenni MarriedName, ParentsNames’ daughter”. If I still had my maiden name, everyone could just figure out whose daughter I am. Particularly since my MaidenName is uncommon around here.
Jenni | October 30th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Funny you should ask - we talked for weeks about how to handle the names. My husband joked about how my name was cooler but I don’t think he would have actually taken it. He did, however, encourage me to keep my name if I wanted. In the end, I tacked his name onto the end of mine so I have four names (for legal reasons) now but I just go by his. I can see how it could get complicated though!
Tabitha (From Single to Married) | October 31st, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I took my husbands name, he is in the military and it is so much easier and it meant a lot to him that I did. We talked about it before we got married and while he was not totally against taking my name he perfered me taking his. I had our twins 3 months before we were married and they had his name and it made it hard to get things done for them on base with diffrent names. He was deployed when I had the kids so that is why we waited to marry. I am a lawyer and many of the people I work with still refer to me by my madien name I just say it’s husbands name now and go about my day.
Ali G | November 1st, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I happily took my husband’s name. It just felt right. I did not second guess the idea of changing my last name…although it did take a bit to get used to.
I can top your maiden name…Lusted. I’m sure you can imagine the comments I had. But my favourite were the misspellings, I mean is it really that hard or were people just afraid that this was really my last name. As much as it defined me for 29 years I was happy to change it to a very generic Gray.
As for you friend, my sister-in-law kept her married name post-divorce despite the pop cultural phenomena…Marj Simpson! I kid you not.
Amanda | November 1st, 2008 at 10:14 pm
I`m not actually married, but even if I were, my name wouldn`t change to my husband`s. The reason for this is that I live in Guatemala, so they just tack the guy`s name on the end with “de” as in Genesis Davies DE Hernandez. Which is basically saying you`re his property. Which I hate, so I wouldn`t have done it. lol.
As far as children, whether you are married or not, here your kids get the father`s last name first and the mom`s last name last. So my sons are Dorian and Dante Hernandez Davies. Their children will only carry the Hernandez part of it, but it`s kind of nice to have my name as part of theirs. And there is nothing odd about it. In Latino culture, it`s almost shameful if you only have one last name because it means no one knows who your father was!
Genesis | November 2nd, 2008 at 12:02 am
Did you know…
that when you get married in Quebec you automatically keep your maiden name (a practice similar to that of France). it’s the NORM there, as opposed to the rest of Canada, where it seems the norm is changing your name to that of your husband’s.
Maybe because I grew up in Quebec, and was around that line of thinking…but I never wanted to change my last name. My name is MY name. Our son has my husband’s name and I’m fine with that. I think taking my husband’s last name would have been weird for people since I’m Asian, and my husband’s name is Taylor.
joyce | November 4th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
I changed my name. My maiden name is hard to spell, hard to pronounce. Although, if my husband last name had been hard to spell and pronounce, I stil would have taken it. I am pretty traditional when it comes to things like that.
MKateP | November 5th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Having your husbands name is not what makes you a family. How many women do you know who have been repeatedly married, changing their names every time? I kept my name when I married Hubby 20yrs ago. I didn’t change into a new person anymore than he did, so why should I change my name?
Cat | November 6th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
I have not taken my husband’s last name - and it is a perfectly fine name. Before we married, I asked him if he would mind and he was ok with my decision. (In fact, he wasn’t even surprised.)
For some reason, I have a deep attachment to my name. You might say it is because I had been in my career for 10 years when we married. However, I suspect it has to do with the fact that my mother divorced and remarried and then we moved to a small town. I was constantly reminding people in church and in town that my last name was “blah-blah” and not “dee-daw”.
For the same reason, I have decided that when we have a child, I will change my name so we all have matching names. I might hyphennate, but our child(ren) will not.
Jenn Bo | November 8th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I was going to change my name, and in fact did for a while. I didn’t go about all the paperwork, but started a new job, etc, and started calling myself by my married name.
But it just didn’t sit right with me. It wasn’t me. So I changed it back!
I have friends though that both took eachother’s last name - so both husband and wife and all their kids have the 2 last names - solves the problem of everyone having different names, but still keeping the maiden name. And it’s nice that the kids have both parent’s names too. (Doesn’t hurt that it has a really nice ring to it!)
Jenn | April 2nd, 2009 at 8:13 pm
I never wanted to be one of those awkward-hyphenated women. Yet as I considered changing my name in marriage, I found it important to remember what it was like after ten years of waiting through custody disputes to finally take my step-father’s last name. That moment of unity happened for me when I was finally adopted at the age of 14, and took the same name as my (step)father, mother, and siblings.
Less than ten years later, planning my wedding, I concluded that keeping my maiden (adopted) name was critical. The choice in marriage was then to either keep my own name, or add on my husband’s with a hyphen. I chose to add his onto mine, largely to be identified with any future children and also partly because the whole thing is now comprised of only three syllables. The cool part? I think my husband likes my combined last name better than his alone!
Melissa | May 27th, 2009 at 7:38 am
I stumbled across this article quite by accident, and since reading the comments is making my blood pressure go through the roof, I feel compelled to chime in, even if it’s a bit past the article’s post date.
I could pretend, for the sake of civility, to smile and hold hands and sing the kumbaya of respect for people’s decision to change to their husbands’ names, but quite frankly, I think it stinks.
So, there’s the argument that “we should all have the same name.” Ok, fine. Have the same name. But the only reason to keep his name, rather than make up a new family name (since you are, technically, forming a new family) is patriarchal tradition. Just as someone pointed out in the comments that “de MaleLast Name” means “property of,” this is essentially what taking your husband’s last name is doing. Women used to be considered legally “covered” under their father’s last name until they were “covered” under their husband’s last name, in part b/c women couldn’t own or hold property. Changing last names was a way of transferring property (land, titles, etc.) from one household to another. By extension, changing one’s last name to hubby’s last name is taking part in this sexist tradition. (And yes, I realize that one’s maiden name is technically also a part of this tradition….but at least with your father’s last name, if that’s what you have, the accomplishments you have made under that name has allowed a certain status in the world to adhere to you under that name.)
Therefore, if you want the entire family to have the same last name, make up a new one. Blend it from the existing last names, or come up with an entirely new one. This way you’re actually reflecting that a NEW family is formed–not simply an extension of your husband’s family. If your husband’s opposed, well, then, he’s simply reinforcing heterosexist patriarchial privilege.
As for me? I have, by all standards, a terrible last name. Starts with a W, is of German extraction and nearly unpronounceable by many, yet I love it. I wouldn’t change it for anything, as it represents the person I was before I met my husband. He kept his name, too. As for kids? Well, when we have them, we have 3 options: 1. Hyphenate. Not a great option, since between the two of us our kids would have 18 letters in their last name. 2. Flip a coin. First kid gets one last name, second kid gets the other last name. 3. Blended last name. We smoosh our long names into something more manageable. Do we know what we’re going to do yet? No. But we’ll figure it out, otherwise the kids will be last name-less. Like Prince, or Madonna.
Anyway, a bit of a rant, and I’m sorry if I’ve offended, but I just can’t stand people not examining the historical implications behind their decisions. And as long as we continue to live in a heterosexist patriarchal culture, every person who chooses to buck tradition is, in their own small way, resisting dominant paradigms. Hooray!
That's Ms W to you | June 19th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Genesis - I so wish my ex would go for that. And my daughter doesn’t want my name to disappear in her own (why can’t I have mommy and daddy’s name), it was one of those things agreed to in the custody/support settlement that her name would change that I now wish I hadn’t done.
Mich | August 4th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
my husband & I combined BOTH of our names. it was a HUGE obstacle for us in our engagement 4 years ago. I didn’t want to simply take his last name (Laubenstein) because I am very closely connected to my family & was raised to be proud of who I am & the family I came from. I also knew that if I was the only one to hyphenate my name, it would eventually get lost & I would become a Laubenstein by default. My husband finally agreed to change his name to combine both of our families. I think it is a beautiful gesture that he was willing to make for me & for our future family. Besides, as I often told him in the heat of the arguments, what is easier to add onto your name than Smith? So, now we are happily the Smith-Laubensteins.
kara smith-laubenstein | August 17th, 2009 at 8:54 pm