I’m totally not for that. BUT. I DO wish that we had a guest bedroom that one of us could have the option of sleeping in sometimes. NOT because of fighting or anything like that, but because of differing sleep schedules. Sometimes, when Noah comes to bed at 5 or 6am after working all night, I cannot go back to sleep. THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ANYONE. So, that is the only time I wish that we had a guest bed as an OPTION for once in a while so that I could get a whole night’s sleep - not broken up.

Or maybe I’m just being selfish. But the dude could sleep through a tornado, a hurricane, and then an earthquake. And he snores.

I think the majority of couples (who actually stay married) eventually migrate to separate beds. For many reasons, including different aches and pains, medical needs, sleep schedules, snoring, one spouse co-sleeping with the baby, one spouse being “on call,” and sometimes just not being that desireous of much contact any more.

The thought of this is totally repugnant to me. I already have a hard time understanding how couples sleep in separate beds even when one of them is incredibly sick with a contagious disease and the other is trying to avoid catching it. I don’t necessarily believe that you should never go to bed angry but I do believe that even when you’re angry you should still have enough positive feelings toward your spouse that sleeping in the same bed should not be a hardship. I have spent this whole week sleeping alone while my husband is out of town, and it’s been terrible. I hope that we will never reach a place where we would voluntarily choose this situation.

Hmmm…I don’t like the idea of it but honestly I am sooo not a cuddler and we have an oversize king so we may as well have seprate beds anyway. If hubby was a big snorer or something I could totally see it…

Couldn’t do the separate beds thing. No way.
Like you, we usually fall asleep either holding hands or spooning. We don’t stay that way all night, but I wouldn’t like going to sleep without my (warm) man next to me. I never sleep well when I’m away or he’s away and I’m sleeping alone. Even though he snores sometimes, I like having him right next to me.

For the most part, we sleep in the same bed. However, if one of us is sick, it’s to the other bedroom one of us goes. Also, hubby snores and if I don’t go to sleep before him, then I’m constantly turning him over (he claims he often feel like he’s turning on a spit ). If I wake up and can’t get back to sleep, I’ll go to the other room.. And BTW, we’ve been married nearly 29 years. I’d rather get a good night’s sleep and be rested than be in the same bed and be cranky, thank you very much.

For the sake of our sanity and marriage we sleep in different beds. It wasn’t always that way and I hope it won’t always be that way. My husband starting snoring a few years ago and it got progressively worse. We end up keeping each other awake. I can’t wait until we can afford to send him to a sleep clinic.

While the idea of sharing a bed sounds lovely and romantic, it isn’t neccessary for a happy marriage. You have to work at it either way. I love my husband, but this really was hurting us.

How would I stay warm at night without my ‘hot rocks’ - he’s my own personal furnace! (If you watch survivor man at all you’ll understand my nick name for hubby)

I fall asleep much better when hubby is in bed with me and I can be touching his arm or holding his hand Though we are often on different schedules and he comes to bed much later than me - He hates when my alarm wakes him up at 5am - I also get woken up when his pager goes off in the middle of the night. Seperate beds/rooms has never crossed our mind - but I do LOVE when we get to sleep in a king bed while traveling!

My grandparents slept in twin beds and I always thought that was sooo weird as a kid. But I can see where it may be a good solution. A friend of mine who got married last year has had the HAREST time getting a good night’s sleep with her hubby and often ends up on the couch so she can get some shut eye. She wakes up every time he rolls over. For some light sleepers it just makes sense.

I personally couldn’t imagine not waking up next to my husband. With everything else going on in our lives, this is sometimes the only time we get to talk… It’s bad enough that we both travel and have to wake up in different cities a couple of times a month.

@Glenn: Chill out dude. The blog post doesn’t ADVOCATE sleeping in separate beds. It’s asking a question about another article she saw. But while you’re pointing out the blog topics, glancing back over recent posts, there is also “how many children do you want?” and “a new way to connect” and don’t forget “How do you say I love you?”

SKL you earlier stated “I think the MAJORITY of couples (who actually stay married) eventually migrate to separate beds. ”

Since your only arguement to my post is that one spouse might “develop a back problem that makes it impossible to sleep in a bed” is your argument now that the MAJORITY of couples have one partner develop back problems and that’s why they end up sleeping in separate beds? hmmm, sounds like posturing to me….

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe most couples get old and the kids leave the house and there’s all those extra rooms so one spouse moves to junior’s room to get a good nights sleep. I just don’t believe it’s the MAJORITY of couples who do this and what is BEST for a couple is one bed. Even for old couples like me and my wife.

I’ve always wondered why we, as a society, insist that married adults share a bed while simultaneously insisting that babies not sleep with their mothers.

I’d love to see actual statistics of married couples who sleep together vs. not. This entire topic is pretty fascinating to me.

I think there are lots of reasons for sleeping together, and very few for sleeping apart (the justification seems to stem mostly from a partner’s ailments or schedule). If I’m going to be sharing an apartment or a home with my spouse, I’m going to be sharing a bed.

Also, you two are endlessly adorable.

I know so many older couples (and 24 years of marriage is nothing to theirs) who have separate rooms. But with people like Glenn judging them, it’s no wonder they keep it secret - especially from such judgmental people.

Seriously, is it that important that we have to get on our high horse about it?

My dh and I have been married for 15 years, together for 17. About 5 years into things, he started having back problems. Now, 3 kids later, his back is a huge problem for him. Our bed is too hard, the sofa beckons, so he sleeps downstairs. It has been an issue forever, it seems like, but in the last year, I have resigned myself to the sad truth. Until we invest some big bucks on a new bed, we’ll keep to separate sleep spaces. It’s a sad realization, but what can you do?

btw, does it need to be said that you don’t need to sleep together to have sex?

Glenn is right that the article seems to focus on reasons different from most of those in the comments. However, there is some confusion (maybe with the author too) regarding causation. The implication is that sleeping in separate beds leads to a lack of connection. I would see it as the other way around, when the reason for separate beds is to “avoid arguments” and the like.

A great deal of emphasis is being placed by the author and by some commenters here on the physical aspect of the marital relationship - as if the deeper, intangible connection will disappear without it. Maybe that is true for many immature marriages, but when you look at successful long-term marriages, you generally don’t see that. They may be happy sleeping together, but that doesn’t mean they will be essentially divorced (as Glenn suggested) if they sleep apart.

Perhaps this shines light on an underlying truth - that a marriage that is not built on a strong foundation won’t surive material stresses such as physical separation, while a truly strong marriage will.

Glenn, although I hate to lower myself to your level, I believe you have given advice to single moms in the past and probably will in the future. Moreover, I was not giving marital advice. I was making an observation to offset the one-sidedness of the post and to let those who sleep separately know they are in good company.

This is an interesting thread. I’ve got a sleeping problem and am trying to decide if I’m NORMAL for wanting separate bedrooms at this point in our relationship of 20 years.

He didn’t snore that much when we first moved in together 20 years ago. I was a sound sleeper. We both gained a little weight… and his snoring became worse. Then the menopause came for me. And my inability to sleep in any condition other than pitch dark and total silence began.

I used to sleep through the night like the dead. Now, I wake at least a couple or more times a night… even if I’ve taken sleep aid drugs or herbs. If the house/room is not silent, there is not any way I will get back to sleep. Laying there for minutes, and even up to a couple hours trying to get back to sleep while the snoring continues is more than maddening. And I poke him constantly for him to roll over… but he’s already on his side. I KNOW he can’t sleep on his stomach without back troubles, so I don’t poke and force him to that position. If he’s making a racket on his side, there will be NO SLEEPING FOR ME. And a radio, fan or white noise is out for him… they disturb his ability to sleep.

The only thing I can do is move to the couch. We don’t have a guest room/extra bed. I go to the couch AT LEAST half the nights of the week (every week) and have for at least the last couple years. When we visit friends/relatives for the night I ask for an extra blanket and warn them t here’s a good chance they’ll find me on the couch in the morning.

Did I mention that this has all happened since I started the menopause? Are you young gals listening? Menopause sucks the big one! A large number of women have trouble sleeping even in good conditions once they start the menopause. It does get somewhat better, but from what I’m experiencing, it doesn’t go back to the way is was in terms of my ability to sleep pretty much on command and like the dead (or a baby if you’d rather that word).

So, I’m wondering how many couples, where the woman is either menopausal or post-menopausal, feel FORCED to sleep in separate rooms? Separate beds in the same room wouldn’t work for me. In fact, many times I can hear the snoring out in the living room with the bedroom door closed. On those nights I simply don’t get back to sleep unless I blare the tv in the living room louder than the snoring and leave it on all night. That is sad… really sad.

For us, it made both of us angry and/or guilty at first… me having to escape the snoring. We otherwise LIKE sleeping together. We have a great, loving, sharing, relationship outside of the bedroom. There also hasn’t been much sex since the menopause… which I hear is very normal if you take my friends as a representative sample. But when we both get a good night’s sleep, we both have a good next day. When I’ve laid awake in the snoring room, I’m pissed off the next day, and we both suffer.

I can’t wait until we can find a new house with a guest room so I can have my own QUIET room most nights, and we can stop feeling guilty about one or the other of us going to the couch. And yes, after me going to the couch for several nights in a week, he will voluntarily start the night out there just because he loves me enough to want me to be able to have a good night’s sleep in our bed and get a good night’s sleep occasionally rather than a crappy night’s sleep on the couch.

But mostly, I get the couch. It sucks. But we’re still very much in love and we’re both right about 55 years of age. We get along great. We just can’t sleep together because of physical problems. So are we normal, or abnormal? Is it reasonable to want and expect a good night’s sleep? My doctor says that getting 8 hours of GOOD sleep is essential for good health… particularly for older people. She said if sleeping apart is what gets us a good night’s sleep, then it’s what she recommends. Just be sure to find other ways to express physical closeness during the day… hugging, and being playful and such. And we do that.

Sleep… sigh… wish I could get more of it….

My husband had a procedure a little over a month ago. Afterward while he was healing he had trouble getting out of the bed so he decided to sleep on the couch. He has since gotten pretty much back to normal, but he still won’t come back to bed with me. I feel that this is drastically affecting our relationship. I just don’t feel as close to him anymore. I actually just searched about this problem which is how I found this.

We’ve not even been married for a year.
We are both 22 years old, and have been together for most of our lives. Do you think he could really be bored of me already.
I’m losing my mind.

I don’t understand it! I even went as far as having surgery to cure my sleep apnea 9it was rough) but because she is a VERY light sleeper I don’t get to sleep in our nice king sized $3000 bed. WTF? I now visit the chiropractor several times a month because I don’t get to sleep in the quality bed. Why can’t she go have a sleep study? Or take Ambien CR for the next 20 years? Why do I have to suffer because she can’t turn her brain off at night and go to sleep? Not to mention this has basically ended our sex life. If I had known this was what I was going to get I would have NEVER married!!!!! I went under the knife for this woman and still can’t sleep in our bed. I get no respect and I think it is absurd for me to continue with this rejection because she won’t go to the doctor and get herself fixed after all I have done.

Are you kidding me? Have you heard my husband SNORE? Bottom line, I usually try to sleep in the same bed with him - but a handful of times each year, I MUST move to the guest room (where I can typically still hear him) or the couch if I want to get even a couple of hours of sleep. I do not think snoring is fair or that I should be the one to suffer. My father-in-law suggested that I start taking sleeping pills…um, HELLO! Maybe his son should work on exorcising his snores!

Favorable write up, that was operable content, makes me duty to buy one. me and the fam are in the mart for a new mattress. Groovy to see pics of the household. Thanks!

Often in the Orthodox Jewish community married couples have two beds pushed together and separate the beds for almost two weeks out of the month during what is called the neidah period.