with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
My husband and I celebrated thirteen years of marriage yesterday. We’re no experts, but here are a few things that have helped us get to here.
1. Always kiss goodbye.
2. Say I love you when you kiss goodbye, and also say it randomly.
3. Laugh together, often and much.
4. Talk about what is bugging you, before it festers and boils into something more than it needs to be.
This coming Monday, my husband and I will celebrate thirteen years of marriage. Thirteen! Our wedding day seems like it was yesterday and a very long time ago, all at the same time. Our family has morphed from just the two of us to having three kids, two dogs, two cats, and one hundred chickens. Crazy.
Mother’s Day can be a hard day for many women, for many different reasons. It’s an awkward one for me, because I’ve been estranged from my own mother for three years now. She is an alcoholic, though that’s not why we don’t talk anymore. Three years ago, in our weekly phone chat, she tore into me for three hours while I tried to talk through what she was lobbing at me. It all boils down to the fact that she’s not happy with her own life, because she was angry at me for being happily married and about my “perfect fucking children.”
I forgave her immediately, because forgiveness means that you are free from the anger and the hatred. It’s not about the offender; it’s about you. I have reached out a few times via phone and Facebook, but she’s yet to respond. It’s okay, really. Because I’ve forgiven her and let it go, I will go weeks without even thinking about her. That may sound heartless, but it’s exactly the opposite. She made it clear that she hates me for being happy, and I made peace with the fact that she simply doesn’t love me.
Well, maybe she does love me, but her actions make no sense to me. I have three children of my own and I would do anything — ANYTHING — for them. They are beautiful and they are intelligent and they are loving and they are amazing and they are my heart. I would never (ever ever) yell hatred at them or wish them anything but good things.
My experience with my Mom has made me a better Mother, I think. I want my kids to know how much they are loved, beyond a shadow of a doubt. I tell them that I love them, multiple times a day. I hug them as much as they’ll let me. I tell them that they can do anything that they put their minds to. I schlep them to dance and to youth group and to running races. I do my best to be the best Mom that they could ever have. Not a perfect Mom, no, but the best Mom for them.
Mother’s Day for me was about me a little bit — who doesn’t like the homemade crafts? — but it was also about them. We spent the afternoon enjoying the sunshine in our backyard and then we had an enjoyable (and hilarious) dinner out. I can’t believe that I have these three beautiful beings who I get to be a Mom to.
How was your Mother’s Day? Is it a hard day for you?
I’ve always gotten along well with people of the male variety. Men are less complicated than women (usually). You throw in a hockey obsession and it’s always been easy to be friends with the male variety.
After we got married, my husband and I moved to a small town that is a four-hour drive from the guy friends I (we) had. Friends that I had known in college and in my big city life faded into the background, except for the occasional FB status update. If we lived in the same town, I’m sure there would be get-togethers or the occasional coffee to catch up with each other. Male friends (who are not ex-boyfriends) that got grandfathered into our relationship are a non-issue, as my husband considers them friends as well.
I’m headed to the Mom 2.0 Summit this weekend to represent this here website and I’m ridiculously excited about it. I’ve attended the past five BlogHer conferences, but this will be my first time at Mom 2.0. I’m looking forward to seeing old friends, making new ones, and being learning how to be a better writer/blogger/community manager. I highly doubt that I’ll be indulging in the mini-bar.
My husband is the most ‘hands-on’ Dad I know, and he’s also great at doing jobs around the house beyona the traditional yard work/garbage/handyman things. He scrubs toilets, he does laundry, he washes the floors (weekly), and he is fully capable of cooking dinner. Dinner is more my thing, but if I’m not home he makes it happen.
Here’s what I do to lessen the burden for him and our three kids while I’m away:
I’m sitting here trying to think of what to talk about, relationship-wise. My kids all swarmed me for a snack and a light bulb went off. I told them that I’d like them to answer the question “What does it mean to be married?”
My ten-year-old son replied, “Well, I can’t answer that. I’m not married.”
I clarified that I wanted to know what they thought being married meant, based on what they see between their Dad and I.
When my husband and I got married, we had no pets. Well, I’d had a cat but finding an apartment in the area we wanted to live was impossible if you owned a cat. I adopted her out to a coworker with tween girls who showered her with so much love and affection.
Those of you who read my personal site know that fitness and health are important to me. I run three days a week, for a minimum of 22K, total. I attend a strength fitness class twice a week, and I also hike/work out at home, etc. I usually take one day of “rest”, but those days will often include a family walk or hike.
When it comes to eating, I keep that in check. Low carbs, lots of vegetables and protein, no junk food. Well, except for Friday nights — they’re “cheat night” in our house and we make homemade pizza, nachos, and various other appetizers to much on while we watch a movie.
Why do I work out and eat well? There are a number of reasons:
The snow has (FINALLY) melted and I don’t know about you, but it makes me want to get out of the house a lot more. It also makes me want to ramp up spending some time with my husband away from our kids. Cuddling under the blankets while watching a movie is great in the winter, but it’s time to soak up the sun. Here are a few ideas for a free way to spend time together.
I’ve talked about love languages here a few times — and recently — because I believe that they are key thing to know about each other as you navigate married (or dating) life. If you know your spouse’s love language, you can know how to communicate with them on that level. And vice verse.
Lately, I’ve been fascinated about personality types and it’s given my husband and I even more insight into how we each work. He’s 95% introverted/5% extroverted and I’m 60% introverted/40% extroverted. Different, for sure, but if I were a 95% extrovert we’d probably have more conflict.
Do you and your spouse share similar or different personality types?
