with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
She is so easily mockable, Miss Gwyneth, what with her GOOP advice. It’s hard to take parenting advice from someone who has a nanny/cook/personal trainer.
Especially when she says things like this:
“I have little kids in school. I want to maintain my marriage and my family, so I have to be here when he comes home.”
I often marvel at the fact that my husband is, well, my husband. I don’t get hit with that feeling as often as I did when we were first married, which was at least once a day. He is my HUSBAND. I am his WIFE. We are MARRIED. IS THIS REAL?
My friend Linda summed up what my husband and I have been discussing lately. We went from child-free, with promising careers and all of the free time we wanted to do whatever we wanted, to having three kids in less than four years and riding the waves of career changes, to where we are today. Three school-aged kids, my husband in a job he did not go to college for, and me dabbling in a creative side that I didn’t even know existed when we got married.
A post I read yesterday at The Motherlode — ‘Is the ‘Good Enough’ Marriage Good For The Children‘ — grabbed my interest and also made me shake my head a little bit. The author refers to an article in The Atlantic where the author talks about how she may never find a husband.
She broke up with an “exceptional person, intelligent, good-looking, loyal, kind. My friends, many of whom were married or in marriage-track relationships, were bewildered. I was bewildered. To account for my behavior, all I had were two intangible yet undeniable convictions: something was missing; I wasn’t ready to settle down.”
I’m sure that you heard about this yesterday, but in case you didn’t, here’s what went around the Interwebs. Pat Robertson, you know who he is, took a call from a viewer who asked what advice a man should give to a friend who began seeing another woman after his wife started suffering from the incurable neurological disorder.
Pat’s response?
“I know it sounds cruel, but if he’s going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her,” Robertson said.
It seems as though my last post struck a nerve with a few people, and it had nothing to do with why I appreciated the article I linked to. I am a huge proponent of marriage. I’m not saying that YOU need to be married, if you don’t want to be. I’m just saying that I love being married and I put the effort forth (as does my husband) to keep it fun and enjoyable and awesome. I am better for it, he is better for it, our kids are better for it. We have a very happy family unit.
Hence, why I write this column. To encourage and support and provide resources to support marriage and committed relationships.
Our fearless leader Nataly sent me the link to a Huffington Post article titled “On Second Thought, Don’t Get Married.” Being someone who believes wholeheartedly in marriage, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started reading. The first two paragraphs had me wondering where the article was heading.
More than 2 million couples will get married in the United States this year alone. Several hundred thousand of these couples should reconsider, postpone their weddings or not get married.
Shocking new statistics released recently by the U.S. Census Bureau suggest that Americans may no longer need marriage. For the first time ever, fewer than half of the households in the United States are married couples. In the past decade, the number of unmarried couples increased 25 percent as more people chose to cohabitate. A Pew Research Center study last year put it more succinctly, finding an increasing number of Americans now believes marriage is “becoming obsolete.”
My husband and I are committed to staying married and will sometimes wonder what it will be like to grow old together. We want to be that retired couple who still hold hands and go for walks and be all cute in their lovey-ness and, well. Hearing stories of couples who have made it through multiple decades is encouraging.
There is a couple who has been married for 86 years. EIGHTY-SIX YEARS. Don’t believe me? Read it for yourself.
My favorite quote: Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win.
Yes. THAT.
It also makes me extra excited to be old and cute and hand-holdy with my husband.
How about you?
I’m stating the obvious, right? Marriage is hard work. You commit to living with a person WHO IS NOT YOU and to somehow share every aspect of your lives. There may be children involved, which brings The Crazy up a notch. You eat together, you hang out together, you sleep together.
Or do you?
This article on CNN about “Options for your mediocre marriage” caught my attention. If you are in an unhappy but low-conflict marriage, there are options. Separate bedrooms! A marriage “sabbatical.” The “new monogamy” (which involves other people, so it’s NOT monogamy).
I’m not sure about you guys, but I don’t really watch The Bachelor. It’s not that it’s not mindlessly entertaining, it’s just that between day time work and freelance work and my kids and that husband-guy, I don’t have a lot of time for watching T.V. The time I do have, I would rather spend watching shows such as Modern Family/Community/30 Rock/The Office. Those are my husband’s favorite shows too and we like to save them up on the PVR and catch up on a weekend night after the kids are in bed.
That said, I found myself with a headache and a bit (or, a lot) of nausea yesterday and spent the evening on the couch. Lucky me! It was The Bachelor’s season finale! I had no idea who either of the girls were and didn’t know the background, but it’s always interesting to watch the final ceremony. And then the “after the rose” show to see where they are today.
Emily (the “winner”) raised some valid concerns and the show brought three of their past couples who were still together and they all made it clear that it was pretty hard to enter the real world again. Watching episodes of the one you’ve committed to love forever…saying sweet things and kissing another woman (or five) has got to be a little bit horrible.
I’m not saying that people can’t make it work - I truly believe anyone can, if they are both committed to doing so - but it seems like you’re choosing to start off with the odds stacked against you. This (obviously) isn’t an every day situation but it’s the topic du jour and I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Do you think that true love can be found on a reality show?
I saw an interesting article over at Parent Dish titled, “How to Find The Light In an Interfaith Marriage.” My husband and I are both Christians (of the “Jesus loves you and so do I” variety, not the “Hell and Damnation” variety). I find that sharing the same faith helps us in our marriage because we share the same values and traditions and it’s one area that causes us the least amount of conflict.
Sharing the same faith does not guarantee “’til death do you part”, for while many people we know who share the same faith have been married a long time, others have gone through a divorce.
We have friends who are in interfaith marriages who also share the same values and have made the different traditions work, most of the time celebrating all of them. I love how they make it not only work, but thrive. It makes me smile to see them so happy.
How about you? Do you share the same faith?
