My husband and I are committed to staying married and will sometimes wonder what it will be like to grow old together. We want to be that retired couple who still hold hands and go for walks and be all cute in their lovey-ness and, well. Hearing stories of couples who have made it through multiple decades is encouraging.

There is a couple who has been married for 86 years. EIGHTY-SIX YEARS. Don’t believe me? Read it for yourself.

My favorite quote: Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win.

Yes. THAT.

It also makes me extra excited to be old and cute and hand-holdy with my husband.

How about you?

I’m stating the obvious, right? Marriage is hard work. You commit to living with a person WHO IS NOT YOU and to somehow share every aspect of your lives. There may be children involved, which brings The Crazy up a notch. You eat together, you hang out together, you sleep together.

Or do you?

This article on CNN about “Options for your mediocre marriage” caught my attention. If you are in an unhappy but low-conflict marriage, there are options. Separate bedrooms! A marriage “sabbatical.” The “new monogamy” (which involves other people, so it’s NOT monogamy).

Read the rest of this entry

I’m not sure about you guys, but I don’t really watch The Bachelor. It’s not that it’s not mindlessly entertaining, it’s just that between day time work and freelance work and my kids and that husband-guy, I don’t have a lot of time for watching T.V. The time I do have, I would rather spend watching shows such as Modern Family/Community/30 Rock/The Office. Those are my husband’s favorite shows too and we like to save them up on the PVR and catch up on a weekend night after the kids are in bed.

That said, I found myself with a headache and a bit (or, a lot) of nausea yesterday and spent the evening on the couch. Lucky me! It was The Bachelor’s season finale! I had no idea who either of the girls were and didn’t know the background, but it’s always interesting to watch the final ceremony. And then the “after the rose” show to see where they are today.

Emily (the “winner”) raised some valid concerns and the show brought three of their past couples who were still together and they all made it clear that it was pretty hard to enter the real world again. Watching episodes of the one you’ve committed to love forever…saying sweet things and kissing another woman (or five) has got to be a little bit horrible.

I’m not saying that people can’t make it work - I truly believe anyone can, if they are both committed to doing so - but it seems like you’re choosing to start off with the odds stacked against you. This (obviously) isn’t an every day situation but it’s the topic du jour and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Do you think that true love can be found on a reality show?

I saw an interesting article over at Parent Dish titled, “How to Find The Light In an Interfaith Marriage.” My husband and I are both Christians (of the “Jesus loves you and so do I” variety, not the “Hell and Damnation” variety). I find that sharing the same faith helps us in our marriage because we share the same values and traditions and it’s one area that causes us the least amount of conflict.

Sharing the same faith does not guarantee “’til death do you part”, for while many people we know who share the same faith have been married a long time, others have gone through a divorce.

We have friends who are in interfaith marriages who also share the same values and have made the different traditions work, most of the time celebrating all of them. I love how they make it not only work, but thrive. It makes me smile to see them so happy.

How about you? Do you share the same faith?

One of the toughest things about writing a marriage/relationship column is that there isn’t a lot of articles out there to support the idea of a committed relationship. If you want to find articles on cheating or divorce, there is a large supply of material. Yes, the divorce rate my hover at 50% but where are the stories about the other 50%? It’s probably the usual story of “happy” not making good content. Everyone wants DRAMA.

Read the rest of this entry

Please note that I do not profess to be a marriage expert in any way, shape or form. I have, however, been married for ten years and have been reading marriage articles (that I can find) for the almost two years (!) since starting to write this column. Marriage is hard work (I like to state the obvious) but it doesn’t have to be something that you endure. It should be something that you enjoy. You know, aside from the whole living with a boy thing.

Here are some things that come to mind when I think about how to make make marriage easier (Not easy, easier).

1. Make the commitment

A friend’s Mom once said to me, “Love is not merely a feeling. It’s a commitment.” My husband and I vowed “’til death us do part” which means that divorce is simply not an option. We are committed to make it to the end. We can either get there begrudgingly, or have fun along our journey. We choose the latter because the former sounds a little bit awful.

2. Pick your battles.

I know - we hear this all the time. I’m not talking about battles over who gets more time with their friends or who gets to buy the next “toy”. I’m talking about the little things. I’ve been part of conversations where women are griping about toothpaste lids and how the toilet paper is hung and about how the dishwasher is loaded. While these are surely life-pressing issues (/sarcasm) are they really worth getting into a fight about? A spouse who perpetually puts car keys where you can’t find them, however, is a whole ‘nother story. I kid! Maybe.

3. Put your spouse first.

Women’s lib, women rule, blah, blah, blah. This point goes both ways. If you love someone, you want to make them happy and so you do little (and big) things that make them smile and brighten their day. I’ve found that in all of my relationships (marriage, kids, friends, etc.) that the more I pour out, the happier I am and the more that comes back to me. Everybody’s happy.

4. Make the best of it

Before I was married I had a number of different roommates and while the situation always started out great, we eventually moved on for a number of different reasons. But your spouse is not simply a roommate; they are a life partner. You’ve made the commitment to make it to the end - why not have fun doing so? Be playful (water fight, anyone?), be flirty (I won’t share the dirty details) and just enjoy each other.

Do you guys have any tips that have worked for you to make your marriage easier?

I read an article over at Divine Caroline about couples who are married who choose to live apart. We’re not talking about separation here; we’re talking about choosing to get married but staying in your own places. A quote from the article:

Proponents of keeping things separate say that allowing each person the freedom to be him or herself within the relationship helps each to be a better and happier partner. Opponents say that the negotiation required to overcome personal differences and learn to function together as a unit is the most invaluable aspect of marriage, and couples that structure their lives so that they never have to inconvenience themselves are, in essence, cheating. Some also worry about the lessons absorbed by children living within these types of families; they could come to believe that marriage is a completely individual pursuit that doesn’t require any adaptation, compromise, or sacrifice.

My thoughts exactly (The latter part, of course). Marriage is about making a commitment to share your life with another person. To grow with them. To create experiences (and a life) together. If you’re going to live in a separate space and just get together for the “fun times”, why even bother getting married?

What do you guys think? Would you be married but maintain a separate home?

I came across an Oprah.com article that was republished on on MSN.com titled, “Five-Point Marriage Check-Up“. I’m always looking for marriage topics for myself and to share here, and the title grabbed my attention. The five points she shared are ones that I’ve talked about and I thought it might be a good topic for today.

1. Stay Engaged Emotionally

This makes sense, of course. You got married for a reason; because you love each other and because you wanted to spend your life with this person. The busy-ness of life can get in the way far too easily - you need to make sure that you stay connected emotionally. (Date night!)

Read the rest of this entry

I have the NY Times Motherlode in my feed reader because the posts often make me think. When one is marriage-related, I’m even more interested because, hey. I have this whole marriage-related column. Fancy that.

A recent post there is one that I flagged because I think the topic is a good one: “What Does It Mean To Be A Good Wife?” While I have no desire to get into a debate about whether or not a woman these days can make gravy from scratch (I can!) or sew a button (Who can’t?), the final part of the column kind of irked me a bit.

Read the rest of this entry

I read a post from a friend of mine where she was pointing out some major flaws in a religious organization and in some of its ideologies. While I agreed for the most part about the complaints she was making there was one point that led to a lengthy email exchange where I cleared up some misconceptions about a well-known Bible verse.

“Wives, submit to your husbands.”

Unfortunately, when taken as a stand-alone phrase and out of the context it was written in, it sounds pretty horrible. Over the ages domineering men has used it as a way to “put women in their place” and establish themselves as the “head of the household”.

The thing is, that is not at all what that passage is about. The very next sentence says, “And husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church”. A little history lesson here: Jesus died an excruciatingly painful death for his church. Whether you believe the Easter story of resurrection or not, the history records do not dispute his crucifixion.

Any good pastor worth his salt will explain what the passage means. The bulk of the entire passage is written to the husbands - they are to take care of their wives, to cherish them, to be willing to die for them. And submission does not mean “ask permission”; it basically means to trust your husband (The guy who has been instructed to put your very well-being before his own) if he has any qualms about decisions you are making. He loves you and wants nothing but the best for you.

How does this work in our relationship? Well, we talk about anything and everything with each other. My husband is my biggest cheerleader and spurns me on to fulfill my dreams. As we talk about options laid out before us he will express reservations if he doesn’t think something is in my best interests (Like when I say YES to everything people ask of me). He doesn’t “forbid” me to do anything; he just loves me and wants to see me flourish.

Because I know that he loves me and that he knows me like nobody else does, I trust his judgment. For the most part. If it’s something that I really want to do he never stands in my way. And if things don’t go the way I hope he never throws an “I told you so” but instead picks me up, brushes me off and holds my hand.

So, yes, I submit to my husband because his dreams for me are far better than my own. And he loves me with a fierceness that is indescribable. That is how marriage was intended to be, in my opinion, Bible verse aside.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic.