with Angella Dykstra
I'm a mom of three, a professional accountant, and an amateur photographer and writer. I am not a marriage expert. But my husband and I take "Til death do us part" seriously, and here I'll be sharing how we keep our marriage strong while we both do that insane work-life juggle.
Check out my Work It, Mom! profile and my blog, Dutch Blitz.
Categories: Uncategorized, communication, dating, marriage
I’m a huge proponent of date nights (as you all know) because it is far too easy to get caught up in your daily lives that are full of work and routine and activities and kids and stuff. A reader of mine sent me the link to The National Marriage Project and their report called The Date Night Opportunity.
My husband and I have very different communication styles. I, on the one hand, like to communicate. He, on the other hand, does not. He does it, but it usually involves a lot of prodding and pleading and questioning, and even that doesn’t always work. He knows this, and tries to be better, but it’s just not his nature.
It was no surprise to me when I read it, but this article states that more couples break up in the month of January than in any other month. The days are short, the weather is grey, and you’re coming down from the high of the holidays, often with a bunch of bills to deal with. Being stuck indoors for many hours a day breeds cabin fever on top of it all and it’s no wonder couples have a rough go of it. Heck, people in general, married or not, often struggle with January.
I know that I certainly do. This year has been better than the past few years for me. I’ve managed to get better than merely treading water, and haven’t had the dark cloud around my head that usually descends in October and stays until April. Part of it is due to exercise, part of it is due to vitamins, and part of it is due to taking up skiing. I’ve felt so good that I’ve talked about it quite a bit, both online and off. And then Monday happened.
I had a great weekend celebrating my birthday (dinner out with my husband one night, girls’ night in at my place the next), and hosting my son’s birthday party, and spending Sunday afternoon sledding and hanging out with my kids.I came off of the high of the weekend to the Monday blahs, an upset stomach, raging hormones, and a general feeling of sad. For many reasons and no reason at all. Sigh.
I just spent the day being quiet and reading and crying over stupid things. By the time my kids and my husband got home, I’d gotten past the darkest part. I know that it is all normal (especially the raging hormones), but after coasting so peacefully for so long, yesterday hit me hard. I’m hoping it was a one-day thing, but time will tell. I’m thankful to have a husband who knows me so well and who knows what to say and do when I get like this. He keeps me balanced.
How about you? Does January get you down? Do you find that it affects your relationship with your significant other?
My favorite newlywed reader sent me an email yesterday with another question for those of us who are “experts.” (Ha. Ha! Haaaaaaa.)
Her question:
What does it mean to be a wife? The traditional role is not typical in this century, in our country. I’ve been thinking about what defines me as a wife? What do I do that makes me a “good wife”?
It’s a loaded question, but I I can tell you what I think makes me a “good wife.” It may not be the same for you, but it’s what works for me/us.
I try to speak to his love language. His love language is acts of service, followed closely by word of affirmation. He is a neat freak and so I will vacuum the floor, or I will thank him profusely for all of the work he does around here.
Another week, another question from my newlywed friend.
How do you resolve chores? Our current resolution is a list. I was allowed to make the list, as my standards are higher. I wrote down what needs to be done and the frequency. Then we just need to make sure that it gets done. It’s Day 3. The house is clean. My husband is tense. Oy.
I…am the wrong person to ask. I am no Pigpen, no, but I married a man with very high standards when it comes to house cleaning. I do groceries and I make meals and I do laundry (as does he) but he is, shall we say, particular when it comes to house cleaning.
Back when I started blogging, six years ago, blogs were kind of a new thing and few people we knew had even heard of them. My husband understood my desire to share stories of our kids with family who lived far away. He got a little weirded out when strangers started commenting but thought it was kind of cool, too. He had (has) no desire to blog himself and only reads my site if I make him sit down to do so. It may not be his thing but he knows that it is my thing and that’s kind of awesome. He even hi-jacked my blog one night after I’d gone to bed and wrote a post about how he’d been out in his shop, building something, and had realized that writing made me as happy as woodworking made him happy.
I’m 99% sure that my husband is building me/us the bed that I’ve been waiting four years for him to do, and is planning on surprising me with it. (Side note: it’s taken him so long because he’s built/fixed many things in this house in the ten years since we bought it. We bought a pillow-top king-sized mattress four years ago and have been sleeping on the floor ever since then.)
What has led me to this conclusion? Well, the first night after I returned home from BlogHer, my daughter said something about a bed and my husband changed the subject. He’s been spending a lot of time “cleaning” his workshop and last night, after I’d met a freelance deadline, I went outside to see what the family was up to. My son did a stage whisper: “Mom’s coming!” and my husband closed the garage door.
I left work early yesterday so that I could run some errands and get my hair did. I met my husband and kids at the beach so that I could bring them with me (my hairdresser has a salon in her basement - we are friends and so are our kids).
Ten minutes after we left, I received a text from my husband.
That one sentence made my entire day.
I’m in that lovely mind place where I’m battling lady hormones and preparing for BlogHer. This may be my fourth one but after last year (long story), I’m more nervous than ever. I am a “words of affirmation” girl by nature and when I’m all in a tizzy and having “I feel fat” days (I know. SHUT UP, Angella.), kind words mean even more.
It only took a one-sentence compliment from my husband to turn my attitude around and make me smile.
How often do you compliment your spouse?
There seems to be a bit of a backlash against women who say that their spouse is their Best Friend.
It’s not healthy.
You need to have a best friend who is not your husband.
Calling your spouse your best friend means that you can’t make friends of your own.
I call B.S.
This is not because I do not have great girlfriends, no. I have a small group of friends who I refer to as my “besties.” They are smart and they are funny and they are open and they are honest and we speak freely and we share our struggles and they are all that a woman could ask for in a friend, amen.
While my husband and I have shared values and goals and senses of humor, we have vastly different personalities. He loves to play basketball and baseball and I suck at team sports and so I run and go to Boot Camp. I am a bit of a social butterfly and he is much happier spending the day doing something outdoorsy with a friend or three. I like to spend my “free” time taking photos and writing and he spends his in his shop or the garden.
One of the biggest differences we have is that if there is a conflict or an issue, I want to talk about it, deal with it, and move forward. He…does not. He even took a survey last week where his “weakness” in Leadership is that he avoids conflict.
We laughed about it because, well, it’s true.
