I’m not going to summarize it — it’s a good read, but rather long — but wanted to link it for those of you who would like to read it.

I will tell you that it talks about five ways that date nights help foster stronger relationships: Communication, novelty, eros, commitment, and de-stress. There are also some interesting statistics and graphs that show the difference between couples who have date nights, and those who do not.

Statistics aside, I just know that I need that time with my husband, even if it’s just for lunch or a coffee. No kids asking 1,000 questions/talking a mile a minute, no household chores, no other distractions. Just us.

Do you make time for a regular date night, or time alone together?

I’ve mentioned before that my husband and I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day. It started out because we didn’t want to buy into the commercialism, and we went on regular date nights as it was. There has been the occasional Valentine’s Day where we’ve surprised the other with something, but we usually have the “We’re not buying presents, RIGHT?” conversation and we both stick to it. Usually.

I don’t know if that’s the plan this year or not, because we haven’t had that conversation, but I think I’m going to get him a little something anyway. We’ve had a particularly rough couple of weeks and while he and I are now (better than) fine, there’s still a lot of things going on that are stressful. So, I think surprising him with a gift to thank him for being such a great husband, father, and person is in order. I just have no idea what that gift will be.

What do you give each other for Valentine’s Day?

Especially when she says things like this:

“I have little kids in school. I want to maintain my marriage and my family, so I have to be here when he comes home.”

But she kind of makes sense when it comes to marriage, here.

“I think you do fall in and out of love and you just keep going, and every time you go through a really difficult phase, you rediscover something new and it just gets better. We’ve been married for more than eight years now, and we’re still into it.”

So, that.

I am nothing like I was when I got married twelve years ago, and neither is he. We’ve fought to keep us together and so far, we’re winning. (We’re at a loss in the parenting department, but we’re working on it.)

But we are better than ever, and that comes from putting each other first, as archaic as that may sound.

Have you struggled in your relationship? Have you wanted to walk away? What stopped you?

This January has been a hard one for the both of us. There’s the post-holiday crash, grey weather, and a nagging feeling of discontent. He’s in a job that he loves, but it’s pretty demanding, and for once in in his life he’s not sure of the 10-year plan. I’m in a job that I am good at, but am not content with, I have no idea what I should be when I grow up, and a bunch of other stuff I can’t talk about on the Internet.

My husband has been stuck inside his own head for the past few weeks and we as a couple haven’t been firing on all cylinders. It hasn’t been bad between us, but it hasn’t been great, either. While out with girlfriends on Sunday night I hinted at that fact to them, and then when I got home I pointed it out to him. We slept on it and hashed it out yesterday. Again, the details of our conversation are not for the Internet, but I literally felt a weight lift after our (two-hour) conversation.

We saw the problem in our communication, we talked about a number of issues that have been weighing on us, and we came up with an action plan. Yay, communication!

How about you? Is one of you better at communication? Do you have any tips for keeping the lines of communication open?

I have a few more to add.

• Go skiing! OK, skiing isn’t cheap, but we just cashed in Air Miles to get five lift tickets each. True story.

• Trade babysitting nights with good friends/family. Babysitting costs are HUGE. Taking a friends’ kids one night, and them reciprocating another night, helps a lot.
• Take in free “touristy” events. Where we live there are a number of festivals with no admission charge. Go, enjoy the entertainment, and eat some mini donuts for the cause.

Do you guys have any fun, yet inexpensive, date night ideas?

I know that I certainly do. This year has been better than the past few years for me. I’ve managed to get better than merely treading water, and haven’t had the dark cloud around my head that usually descends in October and stays until April. Part of it is due to exercise, part of it is due to vitamins, and part of it is due to taking up skiing. I’ve felt so good that I’ve talked about it quite a bit, both online and off. And then Monday happened.

I had a great weekend celebrating my birthday (dinner out with my husband one night, girls’ night in at my place the next), and hosting my son’s birthday party, and spending Sunday afternoon sledding and hanging out with my kids.I came off of the high of the weekend to the Monday blahs, an upset stomach, raging hormones, and a general feeling of sad. For many reasons and no reason at all. Sigh.

I just spent the day being quiet and reading and crying over stupid things. By the time my kids and my husband got home, I’d gotten past the darkest part. I know that it is all normal (especially the raging hormones), but after coasting so peacefully for so long, yesterday hit me hard. I’m hoping it was a one-day thing, but time will tell. I’m thankful to have a husband who knows me so well and who knows what to say and do when I get like this. He keeps me balanced.

How about you? Does January get you down? Do you find that it affects your relationship with your significant other?

Birthdays are kind of a huge deal for me (It’s my day!) and while presents are nice, I really just want to spend time with the ones I love, whether it’s my husband or my girls. And when it’s the birthday of someone I love, I will do all that I can to make it a GREAT day, be it a thoughtful present or spending time, or a written note.

How do you celebrate your birthday?

As for me, I do have friends who are single or divorced and I haven’t found that it makes our friendship any “different”, just because they don’t have a husband and/or kids. It’s just like I get along with my married girlfriends even though they have different careers and hobbies than I do. My closest single girlfriends do not live nearby, sadly, but when I do get the chance to see them and spend time with them, I appreciate it so much. And I appreciate the great girlfriends who live here in town, who just happen to all be married.

How about you? Do you have single friends that you’re close to? Or do you find yourself hanging out mostly with other couples?

I had a good friend go through a nasty divorce once (he had a drug problem, cheated on her, etc.) and I asked her if she planned on keeping his last name, or if she’d go back to her maiden name. She had no affinity for her maiden name (not my story to tell), and she said that it would just be easier to keep his name, as that was her daughter’s last name. She had custody most of the time, so dealing with schools, doctors, etc. was less complicated if they had the same last name. It just made more sense.

It would be a hard decision, I think, especially if the divorce was nasty. It would be hard to be associated with the person who is causing you so much grief.

How about you? Would you (did you) change your last name after divorce?

This is not to say that the path to a happy marriage involves a lot of yelling and screaming and name-calling. No, not at all. But if you never discuss issues, refrain from communicating your feeling, or even use your kids as an excuse from engaging with your spouse, you could be in trouble.

My husband and I don’t fight. At least, not in the classic raised-voices, slamming doors, throwing things way. A lot of the credit for that goes to his even temper — he is the most laid-back, soft-spoken person and I am … not.

Neither of us have a problem bringing up issues we’re simmering on, but we’ve learned to do it in a non-accusatory way. (”I feel” as opposed to “You should…“) We may get a bit heated at times, but we talk it through and come out the other side better for it. If we never had any conflict, ever, I think it would be a sign that we were just ignoring problems. Then we’d end up being that couple who split up while all of their friends said, “But they seemed so HAPPY.”

How about you? Do you fight with your spouse?