Cornered Office
with Mir Kamin
I'm a freelance writer and mother of two working from home, which theoretically means I can set my own schedule so as to best accommodate my family. In reality, "flexible hours" often equals "working too much." Yes, I'm my own boss; no, that doesn't mean life is easy. It's hard to leave the office when you live there. But I love what I do and feel very lucky. And not just because I get paid to work in my pajamas.
To learn more about Mir, check out her profile on Work It, Mom! or visit her blog at http://www.wouldashoulda.com/
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So I’ve mentioned before that I’m headed to BlogHer Business this week, right? I’ve already talked about all of the great reasons to go—it’s a great networking opportunity, conferences in your field should be considered necessary business development opportunities, etc.
What I didn’t talk about was the fact that this whole flexible-career, be-available-to-the-kids thing has spoiled my children beyond reason. As in, they think I should be around all the time. As in, they don’t want me to go.
(How do I know this? Oh, I may have started getting the idea last night at bedtime as my daughter hung on my arm and cried, “Don’t go, Mama! Stay here with us!”)
For the last two weeks I’ve been focused on what to wear, what to pack, what to say, getting caught up on work, getting ahead on work, coordinating child care for the time when my husband needs to be elsewhere, and… completely failing to notice that my kids aren’t pleased that I’m leaving.
Let’s be clear: My daughter isn’t exactly a toddler. She’s nearly 10, and a big show of “Mommy don’t leave me!” is just that, to some extent—show. She’s old enough to understand that this is something I need to do for work, and that I won’t be gone for long, and I didn’t think it would be a big deal to her. She knows what I’m doing. She understands that it’s not as though I’m ditching the family and going to Disneyworld without them.
But it is a big deal, because I’m always here, and also because this is the first time my husband will be flying solo with the kids.
Oh, the kids and their stepdad have spent a day together or what have you, over the last year, but this is the first time I’ll be gone for several days and the three of them will be trucking along in their everyday routines without me.
Me, I have no worries that my husband will be just fine. The kids, too. And I’m looking forward to the conference.
So why do I feel so guilty?
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Hoo, brother, do I know THAT feeling.
I think the guilt arises because we feel like we have to be all things to all people at all times… and we are, most of the time. (Whether that’s good, bad, or ugly, I don’t really know. It just is.) Occasionally, though, we have to focus on a specific area.
I know I feel like I have all of these spinning plates in the air, like some carnival act. I have a great rhythm going, most of the time. Then something throws a hitch in my get-along, and I just *know* that every last one of those plates is going to crash and *shatter to bits* because I’m not the one spinning them.
And then I get to the other side of the hitch, and look up to see that the plates are spinning along just fine, due to help from friends and family. And I remember that, oh yeah, I’m not a one-woman-show anyway, so why do I have so much guilt??? So I promise to stop feeling so guilty…. and it works for about a week.
Damsel | April 1st, 2008 at 10:03 am
even if the 10yr old is begging you to stay and it’s for ’show’ it still gets to ya!
personally, i think it’s much easier to be gone during the week when schedules and routines dictate the days… plus this will give the step-dad and kids some time to bond with out you being the bridge - maybe this will even be GOOD for the family! but i am insanely optimistic… oh and i ADORE both my step parents and would have loved for my biologicals to leave me with either for a week LOL
Kate | April 1st, 2008 at 10:09 am
Oh I know I know. My twins are much younger (19 months) but even so, I think I’m always going to have trouble feeling okay about work travel. Actually, once I’m on the trip, while I miss my kids, I enjoy the time away. (SLEEP!) But it is the before and after that is painful.
What to do? Remind yourself that you’ve really been there for your kids. They are not going to feel abandoned if you leave for a few days. They know that you love them and that you would do anything for them. They will not end up warped if you are not there to cater to their every whim!! :-))
spacegeek | April 1st, 2008 at 10:56 am
They’ll be fine! I can’t recall a single time in my childhood when one of my parents went on a business trip and I suffered as a result. They’ll be well cared for and you’ll be building your business. No guilt necessary.
Susan | April 1st, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I am packing for the same conference. OK, not packing, thinking about packing. And my daughter is sick this week so here’s what I’m thinking: I am glad she is sick now because I would feel soooo much guiltier if she got sick while I was away.
I’m trying to learn not to fight this guilt thing, honestly. I can’t seem to make it go away and my inability to do it frustrates me more. I feel guilty for leaving on a business trip. There you have it:)
Nataly | April 1st, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I bet she wouldn’t appreciate you using the same lines as her next time she’s off to visit her dad! Gee, I was so hoping my 3-year-old would soon grow out of the “Mommy, don’t go!” thing.
Brigitte | April 2nd, 2008 at 7:50 am
[...] with all of the hustle and bustle and preparation for BlogHer Business, I thought I’d ease my own disappointment [...]
Thursday Tip: Business Trip Guilt - The 36-Hour Day - Work It, Mom! | April 3rd, 2008 at 1:30 am
I think what you’re going through is a natural part of the child-parent relationship. I know my children don’t like when I go away, and I always feel guilty, even though I know that they’ll be absolutely fine! Just try reassuring her as much as possible, but at the same time be firm in letting her know that you are going….. but you’ll be home really soon, and you’ll really miss her.
BlapherMJ | April 3rd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
[...] when my work takes me away from my daughter overnight, say on business trips (I know I am not alone in this). When my parents took her for two weeks last year, I felt incredibly guilty, the entire [...]
I am too exhausted to feel guilty — hoora! - Work It, Mom! Blog - Work It, Mom! | August 24th, 2008 at 9:47 am