I bought an elliptical machine this weekend. I did it the way any (cheap) good American does—I found it on Craigslist and then drove over and handed cash to a couple who’s made peace with the fact that they’re simply not going to use it. My husband and I have vowed to Do Better but let’s fact it, good habits are hard to form, and in this arena, we are experts at bad habits.

Hey, we work hard. We both work full time and also try to be as present as possible for the kids and make sure that the house stays relatively clean and that we have home-cooked meals to eat. We get up at 6:00 and by the time the kids are in bed at 8:30ish, all we want to do is sit on the couch for a little while before we head to bed, ourselves.

This is the area where my life is most out of balance. I’ve known it for years. Can I finally change, now?

I have two close friends who are fitness freaks. It’s been a running joke for years, between us, this distaste for exercise of mine. Both of them don’t just work out, they claim to enjoy it. There have been periods of time in my life where I worked out regularly. But I never enjoyed it. Never. I never had a day when I said “Oh, I totally need to [go to aerobics/do some yoga/run a few laps/go hit the weights].” I did it, but I never liked it. My two friends who exercise regularly and love it assure me that if only I got into a routine, I would get to where I don’t just like it, I crave it.

Because I am mature and thoughtful, my response to this is usually something along the lines of, “You are a lying liar who sits upon a throne of lies. This ‘endorphin junkie’ mindset you’re always talking about, that’s imaginary. It’s not nice to lie to your friends.”

Listen, I went to college for theater. My first year, the required curriculum included something called Core, which was an intensive cluster of classes essentially intended to weed out the people who Weren’t Serious. Five mornings a week we were required to show up at o’dark thirty for an hour of fitness that included aerobics and dance. I was 18, young and energetic, and I hated that class with every fiber of my being. I showed up every day because I had to, and I got through it, but I never once looked forward to it or missed it on the weekend.

Nowadays I am old and unfit and lazy, so the notion that I will learn to love exercise seems downright ludicrous to me.

Nevertheless, I’m not being healthy right now. I spend most of my day at a desk. I need to find a fitness routine I can, if not love, at least stick to. While smaller thighs would be lovely, it’s more a matter of making sure I don’t shorten my lifespan because I couldn’t be bothered to get up off my butt and do something.

Aside from not enjoying exercise, I also always feel like I don’t have time. But wasn’t part of the whole working-at-home thing supposed to be the joy of setting my own schedule…? I think it was. And I think there must be a way to find 30 minutes each day to change my routine and start taking better care of myself. I just have to commit to doing it.

Wish me luck.