Cornered Office
with Mir Kamin
I'm a freelance writer and mother of two working from home, which theoretically means I can set my own schedule so as to best accommodate my family. In reality, "flexible hours" often equals "working too much." Yes, I'm my own boss; no, that doesn't mean life is easy. It's hard to leave the office when you live there. But I love what I do and feel very lucky. And not just because I get paid to work in my pajamas.
To learn more about Mir, check out her profile on Work It, Mom! or visit her blog at http://www.wouldashoulda.com/
Can I really do it all?
Categories: A mother's work is never done, Deep thoughts, Now I'm free(lancing)
About four years ago I decided it was time to make a go of freelancing full-time, and I have worked hard since then to make my dream a reality. In just about every respect—if I do say so myself, heh—I think mine is a success story. At this point I enjoy a steady income, fulfilling work, a flexible schedule, and the satisfaction of knowing I made it all happen.
Which is why I am really struggling right now.
I am a product of public schools. I believe in public schools; not just because they’re the route I took, but because I think the principles behind them are good ones and that there are laws in place which should, theoretically, make them a viable path to success for everyone. My children attend public school. But I am currently somewhere I never expected to be: I am considering homeschooling.
I don’t want to homeschool. I don’t think I’m a particularly good teacher. It requires a time commitment I’m not sure how I’d make, and I think good teaching brings a passion to the table which I simply don’t have.
But my son is struggling and the school is, I feel, talking out of both sides of its mouth. On the one hand, they give me all of the paperwork designed to assure me that my son is entitled to help, that it is actually against the law for them to do quite a bit of what they’re doing, and that it is incumbent upon them to make things better for him. On the other hand, they’re on a budget, and what he needs is expensive. So we’ve already been told that there will be excuses as to why that’s not really what he needs, and he’ll be fine without it.
So I’m gearing up to take on the school, but I’m not stupid. There are two options here: Get what we need from the school, or homeschool. The former may require lawyers, and money, and a lot of time. Time during which things are hard for my kid. Time during which I fear for his safety, not to mention his emotional well-being. The latter option… well, it keeps him safe. And may be easier in the long run.
My preference is for accommodations at school, obviously. Because I believe in public school, and because—despite the problems he’s having—my son loves school. He loves being with his friends and he loves his teachers and he loves what they do there. I don’t want to homeschool and take that away from him.
And then down in the very bottom of good and logical reasons about what he needs from his education, as part of this decision, is the small, selfish voice that says, “What about me?”
I will do whatever my children need; that’s a given. I consider it my privilege and honor, as their mom.
But if we start homeschooling, can I really continue working full-time? Because that’s what I’m doing, right now. I work full-time or more than full-time. And can I really expect to maintain that and take full responsibility for my child’s education?
I don’t think I can. And that scares me, badly. What will it mean for our family finances? What will it mean for my clients—how would I pick and choose where to cut back? What will it mean for my career trajectory? What will it mean for my sense of self, built so heavily, now, on my work?
I am preoccupied with options, these days. If we homeschool, there are lots of great online curricula where he could do a lot of his work on the computer (while I work on mine). If we homeschool, we have a local university where I could likely find students in education who could be hired to come do tutoring sessions. If we homeschool, there are umbrella schools and enrichment programs and various other ways we can connect with others and take some of the burden off of me.
And there are people who homeschool and work; I know this. Some balance can likely be struck. I just don’t see it happening with my current workload, and so some reorganization would be imperative.
I am worried about my kid. Constantly. But if I’m being honest, I’m also worried about me. I don’t know if I can do this, except that if I have to, I will.
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My sister has been going through this with my nephew’s school for….forever. It’s gotten to the point where she’s had to have his therapist and an attorney attend every IEP meeting. It gets better, but you have to be prepared for a fight. The only reason she doesn’t home school him is (ironically) because of the Asperger syndrome. He has to be forced to socialize and deal with different situations. Otherwise, he’ll just stop speaking to people.
I’m sorry that you seem to be having some of the same issues. Don’t give up if you want him to stay in public school; you’ve paid your taxes and they are required to provide the services he needs.
Rebecca | October 27th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Isn’t that the hardest part of being a parent? It’s also the best part of being a parent…the knowing you WILL find a way to do what your child needs. I hope Monkey gets what he needs and that you get (at least some of) what you need.
Beth A. | October 27th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I’ve been through it, my daughter was diagnosed with PDD (which seems to be on the spectrum somewhere between “classic” autism and Aspergers). Check in your area to see if there are advocacy groups that teach you how to fight with & without lawyer involvement. They are supposed to exist everywhere but I only found out about ours because the head of the agency sent her child to the same school as mine.
The first year after diagnosis was the hardest. I work standard hours so it meant using vacation days and (cough, cough) sick days to make all the IEP meetings, the extra meetings after various testings & classroom observations, but after doing so things have run smoother since then BECAUSE of those first year efforts.
Mich | October 27th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Well now, I have always loved the idea of homeschooling, yet I’ve always sensed that it would be a disaster if I actually decided to do it. I love teaching, and I’m good at fitting it in between “grown-up” tasks such as “work.” But if I were my kids’ only teacher, it would be hard to know where to draw the line between patient encouragement and the hick’ry stick (or whatever modern version of it you use). As long as there is someone else out there to share the time and the burden, my kid and I have an escape valve.
So while I absolutely believe I “could” homeschool logistically, I really wouldn’t want to go there until I’d exhausted all other possibilities. So I agree with the others - I’d really try very hard to chase every reasonable opportunity, given that you are so ambivalent about taking it all on yourself. Good luck!
SKL | October 27th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Does it have to be all one or the other? Could you supplement with after-school tutoring using Kumon or a similar program?
SoftwareMom | October 27th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Thanks for the kind words, everyone.
SoftwareMom, he’s not having difficulty academically. In fact, that’s part of the problem—he’s so far ahead of everyone else that the school has thus far been extremely reluctant to help him adjust socially/behaviorally, because his grades are excellent. I am trying to figure out how many times he has to get beaten up before we say it’s enough.
Mir | October 28th, 2009 at 5:07 am
We have a friend who sends his Asperger’s son (I think on the heavier end of the spectrum) to a private school that specializes in treatment for it, but A) it takes lots o’ moolah, and B) they live close to it.
Brigitte | October 28th, 2009 at 7:03 am
Sounds a bit like my nephew. Have you considered involvement in Cub Scouts or some such out-of-school social club? My SIL volunteered with my nephew’s pack until he reached Webelos (or however that works). It was the best of both worlds, because it gave him the social experience he needed while his mom was there to make the individual adjustments needed for him to really benefit. He too is extremely intelligent and years ahead in school, but the scouts offered him challenging, non-academic goals (many of them social). The goal-setting aspect made him take the social activities more seriously than he probably would have otherwise. I feel this has been a great help to him. He’s still quirky, but he functions, and as far as I know, he doesn’t have big problems in school.
SKL | October 28th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Oh Mir, my heart breaks. You’ve gotten good suggestions and feedback already, but there is one thing I’d like to add. In our state (PA), if the public school cannot or will not accomodate the special needs of a student who has such needs, the school district is LEGALLY OBLIGATED to pay for tuition at a more appropriate, private school. You may want to consider trying this route before ditching school entirely.
And I think you’d be wise to at least talk to a lawyer to get a sense of what you’re up against with the school. They sound like they have their heads up their collective butt.
RuthWells | October 28th, 2009 at 11:43 am
oh dear, that is definitely a “rock and a hard place”.
I, too, wondered if there were other options out there… are their any alternative schools out there (montessori schools, private schools, gifted schools, or switching to a different school board?).
If not, I would be leaning more towards the homeschooling option, JMHO. Especially given the safety issues. Because even if you could take on the school and get them to provide what Monkey needs and what they are supposed to, what have you lost in the meantime? and would the school end up being petty or resentful about having to make the necessary changes?
good luck getting it all sorted out
~krismom
Kris | October 29th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Mir, I am not surprised you are considering homeschooling because you are a mom who will go to the ends of the earth for her kids. You are also realistic in that you know it would change your life considerably. As someone else commented, there has been a lot of wisdom shared here, and I think the answer will evolve as you move through the process and decide what is best for your family.
I am a teacher. I was teaching in the public middle school my youngest son was attending when we decided as a family that the best thing for him was a year of homeschooling. It was for purely academic reasons; he was not getting the quality education he needed to prepare for advanced classes in high school. He welcomed the chance to do advanced math and extensive reading and writing at home for his eighth grade year. He played soccer in the fall and ran track in the spring, and we made sure he had time with friends. He started high school on par with kids who attended private school and out-of-district middle schools.
The difference for me was that we had a specific period of time, one school year, and my son was old enough to do a lot of his work independently. He set goals for himself and knew what was at stake. I used the time to take two business classes at the local university.
I know you will find the answer that works best for Monkey and you.
Sharon | October 29th, 2009 at 10:49 am
If he has friends, and he LIKES school, then you’re often halfway there. You just have to take some time (we all have so much of that right ?) to be the squeaky wheel. Sad, but you get them to the point that it takes less time & money to give your son his needed services than it does to deal with you.
Even if you decide to homeschool, keep at the district; most places, even kids schooled at home are entitled to services.
You might try an IEP advocate if you’re not ready for a lawyer. They’re often cheaper and can be better versed in dealing with it since it is all they do.
Mich | October 29th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
If you decide to homeschool, how will you help him improve socially/behaviorally without interaction of peers througout the day? Perhaps there might be after-school activites that would help him grow in these areas — karate for self-defence and self-discipline, scouts, sports, etc.? If he has Aspergers or a similar diagnosis, is there any therapy available to help him?
SoftwareMom | October 29th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
All I can say is good luck. I’ve been reading your stuff long enough to know that this decision will be well thought out and discussed with your family before it is implemented. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Lucinda | October 29th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
I have had some similar thoughts lately. My son is not struggling, instead he’s performing two grades above his current grade level. I know, not a problem, but it is. I can see potential for him to go down a road that will not serve him well. He is bored, takes little pride in his work and does just what he needs to get by. The school is not really interested in helping because there are so many other problems that take priority. I feel like precious time is being wasted in these early elementary years. I was a teacher and could teach my son at home, but I don’t know if that is the answer.
Sharon | November 2nd, 2009 at 8:47 am
I have walked many miles in your shoes. And I’m homeschooling my oldest for just the reasons you say. He tests way about grade level, but has major social issues. I never thought I could homeschool, never thought especially I could homeschool THIS kid, who is my twin in all things bad, but it’s been great for us. I wish I had the money and energy to fight the school system for OTHER kids, but the fact is that even if I won he would be in a class with 25-30 other kids and not get the attention I can give him one on one. And one on one the school time is MUCH faster than you’d think. (As long as everyone is cooperating, anyway). In our area there is a HUGE homeschool population, and it was much easier than I thought to find “my people” on the philosophical spectrum. It’s not perfect, but he’s MUCH happier. It might not be the solution for you, but one thing I know after many years of reading your, you’ll find the solution that works. And no matter what–he’s going to be a GREAT adult. You just have to get him there…
Jen | November 2nd, 2009 at 6:53 pm