I’ve been living the dichotomy that I described in my post The High-Powered Mommy Fence, and find that some days are better than others. Just as I’m at my wits end and want to run away from home, things settle a little, and my beautiful daughter does something so funny or so sweet that takes the rough edges off. Or I have another glass of wine. From comments on this blog and emails I’ve received, I know I’m not alone in this quandry of loving my child but not wanting to be a mom…at least not much of the time.
My latest idea is to give myself a break - literally some time away from my precious little girl and away from the usual stressors of life (work, overconnectivity, etc.) - and spend a little money (that I really don’t have to spend which does create a financial stressor, but that’s a different story) to take a weekend away by myself. While trying to figure out what to do and where to go, I kept hearing the words “retreat” and “zen,” but the harder I searched for something within a reasonable driving distance from my current location (South Florida), I just got more stressed just trying to find the right place at the right price.
Yesterday, I told a local friend my thoughts, and she suggested just going to a nearby hotel on the beach. Suddenly, my big escape plans sounded so simple and manageable.
Then I remembered a hotel I stayed at last time I was in South Florida - Il Lugano, a boutique hotel that was stylish, modern, well-appointed, right on the Intracoastal with a lovely outdoor pool and other luxury amenities. I blogged about the hotel previously to point out ways they could have been “heroes” in customer service but each time fell short. Yet despite those shortcomings, the place was beautiful, comfortable and felt like an escape even though it was right in the middle of Ft. Lauderdale beaches.
So here is my plan:
1. Book Friday and Saturday night at the hotel. Checking in Friday night.
2. Indulge in a good pay-per-view movie. The kind that I like and would watch but something my husband would only watch under duress and one that doesn’t involve Dora or princesses.
3. Spend Saturday being lazy. I mean really unambitious, non-productive, disconnected from the Internet for at least the day (eek).
4. Book a spa treatment. They don’t have a spa on site but partner with the Atlantic Hotel’s spa nearby. I’d have to choose my treatments carefully so as not to break the bank.
5. Invite a girlfriend over for dinner/drinks. Even my husband has learned that I thrive when I’m with good friends having great conversation (and good food and wine doesn’t hurt). I’m going to see if my friend can get away from her hubby and daughter for a little while. Can’t every mommy use a break?
Even planning this out carefully and not traveling a great distance doesn’t keep the weekend from costing a lot more than I would normally spend on myself. I get the heebie jeebies just thinking about the expense, however, in the entire scheme of life, I’m hoping this hit to the bank account today will be a blip someday.
Just thinking of this weekend is making my eyes well up with tears. I am so frazzled and exhausted and feeling guilty even when I say I’m not and just all around beating myself up for my mixed emotions about motherhood. If I can turn this around into a “Escape into Me” rather than an “Escape from Being a Mom,” maybe that will make it all worthwhile. At least I know I’ll come back to my mommy life a little more refreshed and hopefully patient and appreciative of the gifts I have in my life.
Taking a few days to be by myself, to take care of myself - well, I am hoping the results will be priceless. And if not…maybe therapy is in order.
How do you “escape” from mommyhood…or do you even need to?