Entrepreneur Mom
with Aliza Sherman
If you own a business - home-based or otherwise - this is the blog where you'll find practical tips and smart ideas about entrepreneurship. I've started and run 4 different businesses so "been there, done that." I'll also invite successful entrepreneurs to share their best advice with you.
To learn more about Aliza, check out her profile on Work It, Mom! and her website, www.mediaegg.com.
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When I got married, I told my husband that I didn’t want to change my name for my professional work but that I’d use his name along with my name for my personal life (but NO hyphen). This was 2004, not the 1700s, so I felt that a combined last name was appropriate and acceptable. But I simply refused to give up my maiden name in my work. Why did I have to anyway?
Much to my surprise, my husband asked about taking my last name along with his.
“I never liked my middle name much,” he said then after I said what a great idea I thought it was, he called my dad to ask his permission to carry on the Sherman name. My dad - who only has two daughters - cried because he was so touched.
So my husband went through all the legal rigamarole to add my last name to his including putting an ad in a newspaper and going before a judge. By 2005, both of us had the legal last name of Sherman Risdahl.
Then my next book came out. I decided to use Aliza Risdahl for short.
And suddenly, my new book could not be found under a search for Aliza Sherman. Of course it couldn’t. What was I thinking? At the time, you couldn’t even find it on Amazon.com although since then I was able to get all of my books to be connected to any combination of my names.
Then there was email. People I had been doing business with over the years no longer were getting my emails because either their spam blocker grabbed them or they didn’t recognize Risdahl and trashed them without opening them.
Google wasn’t happy about my name change either. if you put in my new full name, all of the decades-worth of search results suddenly disappeared from view. It was as if taking my husband’s last name instantly wiped out 10 years of hard work to establish my name in my industry and to make my name easily findable online.
What do you do when you spend a decade building your brand and suddenly you change your brand name?
Even though fundamentally nothing else has changed in business, you are suddenly an unknown or at least an unfamiliar entity.
I was pretty upset by this situation, to say the least. While I love my husband and love being his wife and connected with him, he knew I was hard pressed to give up my career. Then again, he may have known it in theory, but in practice he didn’t really want to accept it. He acted disappointed each time he saw my maiden name in any business context, and I’d have to remind him why I was using it.
Of course, I wanted to please him, but I had also learned some hard lessons about always trying to please someone else and ignoring your own needs. That doesn’t work for anybody involved.
Over time, he mentioned my maiden name showing up in places less and less. I’m not sure if he has gotten used to it or simply gave up on the issue. He knows I love him, and I make a point to use his name or our double last name everywhere else and our daughter uses his name or our double last name as well.
Did you take your husband’s last name, add it to yours, hyphenate or keep your own? Why did you choose to do what you did?
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I happened to be talking about this very subject with a (girl)friend today. I’m not married, but if I ever did marry, I wouldn’t take his last name. The original purpose in a woman changing her last name was to signify that she was now her husband’s property - and don’t even get me started on “Mrs. John Smith” - and that just doesn’t sit well with me. To me, the very act of taking on someone else’s last name is giving up your own identity. You clearly found that to be the case.
Karen | January 12th, 2010 at 2:48 am
I took his, but I hadn’t yet finished college, so no worries about a professional name change. That made the decision easier.
My husband wouldn’t have given me a hard time if I had kept my name, but his parents would probably still be giving me a hard time. They’re pretty traditional some ways.
But I did pass my middle name along to one of my daughters. It was my mother’s middle name too.
Stephanie | January 12th, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Ugh–took it and totally regret it. (hard to spell, pronounce, etc.) The only thing that’s good about having it is that my girls and both of us all have the same last name–we’re the “T—-” family, which gives a sense of belonging, I think. But overall I regret not keeping my (nice, simple) own last name.
Shannon | January 13th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
I am going through this situation right now but I am actually going back to my maiden name. I have been building my online presence with my married name for 5 years now. I had to decide if I wanted to keep branding myself under my married name or switch back to my maiden name. Things I took into consideration are: Are people currently looking for me under my married name? If I marry again, will I take his name? If so, will I want / need to try and change my personal online brand again? Will I lose any momentum and brand recognition by changing? What are the pros and cons to switching?
I decided to make the switch. My online presence is such right now that it can handle the change and not see too much backlash. In the future that might not be the case and I would rather have my offline and online identities match. I think it is too often that you make both personal and professional offline connections and they turn around and look for you online. I want to make sure that they can find me.
Brandi Armstrong | January 13th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
I didn’t take my husband’s name. While there were personal reasons for not taking it, I also had a professional reason as well. I was in my 30s when I got married and had a well-established career and didn’t want to deal with changing it. My husband was supportive of the decision, but his family wasn’t.
Elizabeth | January 13th, 2010 at 8:54 pm
My full legal name is Sue Sherean Malekzadeh but I’ve always gone by my middle name “Sherean” (Persian for “sweet”). When I got married, I wanted to be Sherean Malekzadeh Allen. I figured if people Googled me, they’d surely find me and I liked the idea of having a pronounceable last name for a change. I was 41 when we got married so I had a long-established brand with my name. I didn’t feel I’d be giving up my identity (as I would have felt when I was younger). I just don’t feel that who I am is that tied to my name.
But - get this - since I would legally be changing my first, middle, AND last name, I would have to go in front of a judge and petition for a name change (as your husband did). Put it in the paper, the whole nine yards.
So I haven’t done it yet. I’m still legally “Sue Sherean Malekzadeh,” but on my website and business cards, I have “Sherean Malekzadeh Allen.” That’s how it’s going to stay. Totally not worth it to me to go through the legal hassles.
I suppose it could be a bit confusing but since I have an unusual name, it works for me and everyone can still find me by my maiden name.
Sherean Malekzadeh | January 13th, 2010 at 11:47 pm
I’m not married yet, but I DO have a child with my intended, and the biggest factor that’s pushing me toward changing my name is wanting the three of us to have that in common. Also? I’m a stickler for details, and I know that if I DIDN’T change my name but was called Mrs. HisLastName for the rest of my life, it would drive me crazy.
Leah K | January 14th, 2010 at 5:21 pm
Because my husband legally took Sherman and I legally took Risdahl, our last name became Sherman Risdahl (no hyphen). So our daughter’s legal last name on her birth certificate is Sherman Risdahl, too.
Aliza | January 14th, 2010 at 7:18 pm
After reading the other comments I wanted to add something else. I’ve thought a lot about what I do if we have children. I would probably change my name then just so my child doesn’t have to deal with the questions and comments about his/her parents not having the same last name. I will say that people do assume I changed my name and I have tendency to just let it go if they call me Mrs. MyHusband’sLastName. I feel the decision can be a very personal one and I don’t always feel like explainging to people why I didn’t change it. I’m curious- is it more common/expected for southern women to change their name? I’m a southerner and even in the 21st century, people in my state find it odd I didn’t change my name. Wondering if this is a regional issue?
Elizabeth | January 14th, 2010 at 7:28 pm
Interesting conversation. I married my husband 5 years ago and did not take his name. It wasn’t important for me to do at the time. We do not have children but plan to eventually. My only concern is what to do when we do have children to keep us united as a family. I guess I still have some time to figure that one out. Also, my husband still has his own name, so it wouldn’t be the same as what you did Aliza. So I am curious how other people tackle this issue when they have children, but separate last names.
Mary | January 14th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Mary, to your point about people with children, but separate last names: I kept my name (for professional reasons) when I married my husband, and my stepdaughter has his family name. It IS easier to use my husband’s last name at places where we’re viewed as a family unit — church, my stepdaughter’s school, social events — so I just do (e.g. introduce myself with his name at church, sign school permission slips with his). That way, we are tied together as family, but didn’t have to get lawyers/judges/courts involved, and my Social Security/retirement stuff didn’t need to be changed. I think society is getting used to women keeping their birth surnames, and certainly, with the rise of stepfamilies, the stepparent often has a different last name from the kids.
Jeannie | January 15th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
I’m not married, but I wouldn’t want to have a different last name from my kids. I am wondering - why does everyone give the kids the father’s last name, when the two parents are married but each kept his/her surname? Why can’t the kids have the mom’s surname? To me, that would be so much easier because it’s the mom that does most of the stuff where having the last name would matter - school stuff, taking them to the doctor, etc., and the mom is more likely to keep custody if the marriage ever broke up. I mean, seriously, is it really more important to carry on the dad’s family name versus the mom’s?
SKL | January 17th, 2010 at 5:09 pm
I found this interesting because I’ve seen two sides to this. So this is for the people who are worried about sharing the same last name as their kids. My mother did not change her last name when she was married, so I grew up with her signing school stuff both ways. Usually she’d remember to sign my last name but sometimes because she hadn’t changed her name legally she’d forget and I’d get irritated and put upon because I had such different parents who didn’t even share a last name! But once I understood the significance of it, I came around to understanding her point of view and stopped trying to make her use my last name. So women who do decide to keep your last name, your kids will grow up to be ok with it won’t hold it against you
UM | January 18th, 2010 at 5:47 am
My husband took my last name because he didn’t want our children growing up with his step-father’s last name. We have friends who couldn’t decide which last name to use so they picked a completely different one.
I feel your name should reflect who you are.
Shannon Hardy | January 18th, 2010 at 11:02 pm
Very interesting. Like Aliza, when I got married in 2000, my husband took my last name and I took his. No hyphen. Five years later, I “gave” him the $750 gift of changing our family’s last name to just his. There were many reasons:
- He is in the entertainment industry, and his name is his brand. (My career could handle a name change, esp. since so many people missed the whole 2 last names/no hyphen thing anyway and called me by my hubby’s name)
- He has a son by his first marriage, and we wanted his son to feel a part of the whole family
- We had one daughter who already had a very long, 4-word name (first name, middle name, two last names) and were expecting our second daughter
- I cringed every time I got mail when people either forgot MY portion of the last name or added the hyphen
The decision IS very personal. Both of my sisters also experienced different situations: one had her hubby take HER name, and the other and her hubby selected a completely DIFFERENT last name.
Janine | January 21st, 2010 at 2:51 pm
I agree with UM. I had the same deal - my mom didn’t change her last name and I didn’t think anything about it - nor was I ever asked or teased about it. I had & still have my father’s name - and I’m married and won’t be changing it to my husbands name. I like my name - it’s who I’ve been my whole life. He brings it up from time to time - but I tell him to get over it already. It’s not a name that makes or breaks a marriage or a family! I also agree with Karen - I don’t like the idea that because of marriage that a woman becomes part of the man’s family or possessions. A marriage should be about meeting in the middle and starting a shared life.
Mon | January 21st, 2010 at 3:01 pm
I didn’t change my name, partly for professional reasons, but also because I was marrying for the second time, and having gone back to my own name after my first marriage ended, I didn’t want to change it again. I never got used to being called Mrs A - even after 3 or 4 years I’d often forget and ignore people who addressed me that way. Reverting to my own surname was a relief, I felt like me again.
It does seem odd that women are still expected to use their husbands surnames, but it’s good to hear there some men who are happy to combine names. That seems a more sensible solution which gives both parties equal importance.
Kate | January 21st, 2010 at 3:41 pm
I suppose b/c I’m 18 and of a younger generation, the name thing isn’t too much of an issue to me. My mother and father divorced when I was young, so I have always been used to her signing things with a different last name (her maiden name). Its no big deal to me that we don’t share the same last name b/c at the end of the day, she is still my mom.
Even though I’m young, I’ve already created a brand on my own maiden names because I’m a published author and every one of my books has my maiden name. For that reason, I think I’ll use my maiden name in a professional settting, MAYBE hyphenate it legally w/ my husband’s, or I’ll just keep my maiden name all together and use my husband’s on a personal level. It’s not that big of a deal to me if my children happen to have a different last name than me. The only traditional aspect in me regarding this is that my children have to have their father’s last name. He sired them, he is their paternal lineage, I don’t know why, but its really important to me for them to have his last name.
Michelle | January 21st, 2010 at 4:37 pm
This was always an issue with me. In 1985, I married and added my husband’s last name onto the end of mine after a hyphen. I was viewed as a “women’s libber.” LOL whatever that is now. Anyway I did this for several reasons.
One, I liked my last name. Why should I change it? Shouldn’t it be MY choice. My mother chose my first name to go with my last name, not the name of the guy I would eventually marry. Two, as Karen said - I did not consider myself my husband’s property. Three, my husband has an ethnic last name and I am not of that ethnicity. How many people assume a woman is Polish or Italian or Indian because of her husband’s last name.
I chose the hyphen because I didn’t want my maiden name “dropped” off. This way it is one last name and my initial is the first initial of my maiden name. OK it is a really long name and still to this day, even in our high-tech computer world there isn’t enough spaces and some letters at the end get dropped off, and those filling out forms or whatever, backspace and take out the maiden name so it fits. NO. Put it back. I even have younger folks in video stores arguing with me what my last name should be.
Surprisingly to me, there aren’t more women who keep or hyphenate their last name — it is still an oddity, and still needs to be explained to receptionists and video store clerks on a weekly basis.
Cari | January 21st, 2010 at 4:40 pm
I chose to hyphenate and asked my husband to do the same. We now share the same hyphenated last name with our kids. I am an only child who lost my father before I had the opportunity to get married (let alone graduate from high school). I was (and always will be) a daddies girl so maintining his surname was VERY important to me. My now husband understood the importance of my name and was completely open to taking it as his own.
Erika | January 21st, 2010 at 5:34 pm
I am getting married in a few months and will not take his name. I just keep thinking how many women fought for our rights to vote, to own property and not BE property, to earn the same. To me, giving up my name would be a slap in the fact to all those women. My husband to be is not thrilled. He views me as his equal, but he can be a bit of a traditionalist at times and this is one area. He did stop bothering me about it, although it’s been a negotiating tactic so that he doesn’t have to wear a ring. Sigh.
There is no good solution for the kids, but I figure their middle names can be my last name. What’s funny, is many other industrialized nations do not make women culturally give up their names. I don’t know why America still does. Weird.
Monique | January 21st, 2010 at 8:31 pm
I got married before I graduted college since there was only a month left until I graduted. The professional side was easy. Although I work for my dad in his accounting firm, some the business contacts he knows, knows me by my maiden name. I just correct them, smile and go on.
Maggie | January 21st, 2010 at 10:04 pm