My spouse called me from his office on Monday to tell me to arrange for a sitter (aka Grandpa) to watch our son on Thursday night.  He was just invited to a wine tasting event where some of his company’s executives would be attending.  I could tell that he was excited at the opportunity and anxious that his individual contributor title would interfere in networking with Senior Directors and Vice Presidents.  While one of my strengths is being able to work a room and make lots of small talk, my spouse is more likely to find one person and hold ‘em hostage for all night talking about the same topic.  I made the arrangements, put on a new dress, and was prepared to play the role of the supportive wife.

Last night, we showed up at a local hotel to mingle with influential people in his company.  Imagine our surprise when we walked into a charity event with a live auction, silent auction, and goal of raising more than ten thousand dollars for the cause. I turned to my spouse and whispered “Awkward.”

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I’ve been learning about the importance of expectations in marriage counseling.  Specifically, I’ve been learning about how important it is to make your expectations known, clearly, if you have any hope of them being met.

What, if anything, does this have to do with women who work full time?

I’m starting to learn that expectations and boundaries go hand in hand, and that boundaries are crucial for a good work/life balance.

I do a lot of my work from home.  I work a full time job from my home several days a week and juggle several part time and freelance writing jobs that are done at home on nights and weekends.  As I’ve mentioned before, almost all of my work is done on my laptop.

When I’m working, I need to concentrate.  I need to, to a certain extent, be left alone so that I can work.  During the week, when the rest of my family is at work or school, this is not a problem.  However, if I’m working at night or on a weekend morning - something my husband understands and is supportive of - the “being left alone” part gets a little tricky.

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File this under: Advice I Hope To Take In The Future.

I had a busy weekend this past.. er… weekend.  (My writing!  It is awesome!)  I had a guest in from out of town and a big Halloween party that we attended.  As usual, that means I have had an extraordinary amount of work to get caught up on since Monday, and almost no energy or focus with which to do it.  This happens every single time I have a three day weekend.  It also happens every single time I have guests in from out of town, or a holiday falls over the weekend, or I take a weekend trip.

If my weekend is busy, my Monday workload starts to bleed into Tuesday.  And then Wednesday.  And by about Thursday I’m just barely starting to feel like I’ve caught up.

It occurred to me on Monday that perhaps what I should have done was anticipated that I was going to be particularly run down and planned ahead a little better.  Or a lot better.

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Don’t tell me you have it harder. Or better. Or that you had no choice. Or that you sacrificed. Don’t tell me you’re a working mom or a stay at home one. Frankly, I just don’t care anymore. I’m over it. “It” being the debate in the Mommy Wars.

Opt-in to Motherhood. Opt-out of Work. Opt to whatever works for your family. On-ramp! Off-ramp! On-board! Oh my!

I don’t care. I won’t judge you. We can be friends no matter which side of the aisle you are on. It’s time for bi-partisan mommy peace talks.
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I’ve spent most of my work life in commission based jobs.  A raise meant selling more stuff than before and, therefore, earning more commission.  How much money I made has always been directly tied to how well I did my job in a measurable, tangible way.

I’m goal oriented and a hell of a salesperson, so this model has always suited me well.  It has not, however, prepared me for the world of salary negotiations and discussions about raises.

In my current job, I earn a base salary combined with a commission bonus.  It’s the first time in my life I’ve had a guaranteed income.  It’s also the first time anyone has offered me a raise.

Last week, I turned down a raise.

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I spend at least 8 hours a day sitting in front of my laptop.  Both my full time job and all of my side jobs are conducted on my handy dandy Dell Inspiron notebook.

The good news is, I can conduct a good portion of my business sitting in front of the TV, or on my back patio.  (Truth be told, I work almost exclusively on a patio because I like to be able to smoke when I write.)

The bad news (aside from the fact that I still smoke, I know) is that all of this computer time is killing my back.

I have decent posture when I’m standing and walking.  I probably couldn’t balance a book on my head, but I have never been much of a sloucher.  And yet, when I sit down in front of a laptop, I immediately hunch over the keyboard.

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Hello my gorgeous, awesome, and totally put-together Full Time, All the Time readers.  It’s been a while hasn’t it?  I hope you haven’t forgotten about me while the fabulous Miss Britt held down the fort here.  I’ve been on an unexpected blogging hiatus.  I wish that I had witty reasons for my short-term leave of absence, but the truth is that life smacked in the face.  Then the gut.  Then push me down and kicked me some more.

In other words, I suffered through my first Summer Break as a working mom. Then right when I felt like I was getting it all in control, life sucker-punched me in the face with Kindergarten.

When my son finished preschool in June, we decided (and by “we” I mean, I thought I had the best idea ever) to let our son have a real summer.  We spent lots of time at the pool.  I spent countless hours shuttling between home and a morning-only summer camp.  We played outside with our neighbors.  Saw nearly every PG or G movie in the theaters. And my son finally found bravery to ride his bike without training wheels.  It was fantastic.

I also spent hours upon hours working late into the night to make up for the lost hours during the day. 
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Two weeks ago, I wrote about how important alone time is for me as a person, woman, mother and working mom.  It helps me find my center and refuel so that I have the mental and emotional energy I need to continue taking care of the people who count on me.

A woman named Monya left a comment on that post that broke my heart, and took me back to a point in my life when alone time seemed absolutely impossible to find.  I had neither the child care, money nor hours in the day to find “me time” - alone or otherwise.

“You need a trip to the spa!” people would say, and I wanted to punch them in their perfectly exfoliated faces.

“Oh, honey, go take a bubble bath,” my girlfriends would advise, and I wanted to shout back “RIGHT!  SERIOUSLY!  Because 20 minutes in a tub will MAKE ALL THIS GO AWAY!”

And, I assure you, there would have been much caps lock shouting involved.

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I know a handful of women who wanted to be mothers when they grew up.

Not me.

While I love being a mother now, I didn’t spend my childhood and teenage years dressing up in sweatpants and nursing bras pretending to change diapers.  Of course, I also didn’t fantasize about writing marketing emails or making killer sales calls - so there’s that.

No, my career fantasies were much more glamorous.  It’s been interesting to revisit these dreams over the last few weeks and remember how badly I wanted to be certain things.

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I’m not going to say anything Earth shattering today.

Hold back your shock and awe, I know.

But really, we are constantly being told by someone that we need to “take care of ourselves” and “take time for ourselves”.  Surely, I cannot be the first person to give you this message.

And yet, it’s worth repeating:

It’s OK to spend time alone.

In fact, you should spend time alone.

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