Several years ago, I was the general counsel of the Software Subsidiary of a Very Large Corporation. Most people at Software Subsidiary knew who I was, and were aware of my job title; conversely, at the time most at Very Large Corporation had no clue who I was.
One day, I was asked to participate as legal counsel for a project at Very Large Corporation. The project involved software and other technology, and since that was my forte, one of my colleagues at Very Large Corporation invited me to be a part of the team, having worked with me once before.
I arrived at the project kick-off meeting, and my colleague wasn’t there; however, 2 men who were engrossed in a private conversation were. One of them saw me enter:
"Hey, honey, could you get us some coffee? Thanks."
My first inclination was to strongly and vociferously express my intense indignation; my second was to explain (with obvious mock patience) who I was. But then, thank goodness, I decided to go with my third instinct:
"Sure," I said. "How would you like it?"
And off I went to get the coffee.
When I returned, I placed the coffee in front of the two men, and I sat down at the conference table with my own cup. Honey-Get-The-Coffee-Boy glanced at me, clearly bewildered at my presence. By then, however, my colleague had arrived, and begun the meeting.
"Thanks, everyone, for coming," began my coworker. "Before we get started, however, I think it might be a good idea for us to go around the table and introduce ourselves, give everyone your title, and what your role will be for the team."
Everyone took turns, detailing his or her name, rank and serial number. When it was time for me, I turned and fixed my gaze on Coffee Boy, and said:
"Hi. I’m Karen. I’m General Counsel for Software Subsidiary, and I’ll be providing legal guidance to this team."
The look on Coffee Boy’s face was priceless — I think he turned at least 3 shades of red. I smiled warmly at him and winked, which I think only increased his embarrassment. While he never apologized, for the rest of my career at Software Subsidiary (and later, at Very Large Corporation) he went out of his way to be helpful, and was always supportive of my ideas and opinions.
I tell you this story because as the mother of a little girl, I feel (rightly or wrongly) a certain duty to represent the best of what I believe it means to be a strong woman to my daughter as she grows up. And while some of you might disagree with how I handled Coffee Boy, to me, being a strong woman means sometimes knowing when to get up in someone’s face about something, and when a quieter approach will work. But it also means having a certain healthy sense of entitlement: it means being confident enough in yourself to know that you have every right to be where you are at that very moment. As women, sometimes we find ourselves believing the hype: buying into the opinion that maybe we don’t belong, or aren’t as good as the men, or aren’t talented enough to be invited to sit at the table. My goal is to make sure my daughter Alex never feels this way. And, as far as I’m concerned, she’s never too young to learn this lesson.
I’d love to hear what the working world has inspired you to teach your kids — please share in the comments!
That was an awesome thing you did. The coffee guy probably wanted to go through the floor. LOL. I was the person who felt like she needed to make my point (most times it was not pretty). But, you did it in a much better way. The only thing that I tell my son is to remember that who you are is what is important and you don’t have to tell people how smart you are, your performance in school will prove it. And he is proving it quite well.
Kim | June 25th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Karen, I think that was a great thing that you did. I bet the cofee guy was ready to crawl out of the meeting. You proved yourself in a good way. The old me would have gone off on him, but what would that have proved? Nothing. So, what I teach my son is to not TELL people that you are smart, let it show in your schoolwork. And he does that quite well.
Kim | June 25th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I’d like to think I would have had the presence of mind to react exactly the same way! Priceless!
tash | June 25th, 2008 at 10:15 am
I loved reading this. I’ve been in this situation literally dozens of times when I worked in venture and everyone assumed I was the assistant when I came into the room. I was never as sharp as you to do this — but totally should have. Tash is right — priceless!
Nataly | June 25th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Good for you! Coffee Guy was rude and presumptious; he paid for it later. You, however, kept your cool and rose above the petty sexist attitudes.
Daisy | June 25th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Karen, you rock! So many of us would have reacted defensively, which would only make us look, well, defensive…and would have given Coffee Boy ammo (”See? Women in the workplace are soooo emotional!”) By taking the tack you did, you made your point in an indelible way, and you didn’t embarrass the dude in the process. Everybody wins!
Jeannie | June 26th, 2008 at 9:50 am
The view from the high road is great, isn’t it? Your story reminds me that I should take it more often….
Things like that used to happen to me all the time!
Lylah | June 26th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Bravo and well-handled.
This has happened to me a couple of times, and I just politely point them to the kitchen. This, perhaps, does not have as great of an impact as your situation, but, was appropriate at the time.
Most of the time, I just get the pleasure of playing ’secret weapon’ in meetings. Since I am young, and a compulsive note-taker, visitors assume I’m assisting… until I start hammering them with technical questions.
MistressOfTheDorkness | June 26th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Wow. I wish I was so composed.
I am an attorney working as a contractor with a solo practitioner. Yesterday I had a discovery conference with another attorney, who then told me to “check with my boss to make sure he approved.” He then sent me a letter addressed to me as my employer’s “assistant.”
In my response letter I said he knew very well I was not an assistant, and that if he mistakenly thought I was an assistant it was interesting that he was willing to have a discovery conference with me - something you can only do with an attorney under the court rules. It basically told him he was an idiot.
But it BUGGED me like crazy. Why do we let people with half a brain bother us this way???
jlauren | June 26th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I have so been in this position and being young I wanted to make it known who I was whether or not it was pretty, classy, or down right loud I wanted it to be known. Mostly because I worked so hard to get there and didn’t want someone coming in and stealing my thunder. I realized quickly though, that no matter how “highly” I thought of myself people’s respect for who I was is more important to me. I want my family, friends, and colleagues to respect and see me for the strong young woman I am., not a loud moth disrespectful little girl. A little professionalism goes a long way…
Sheila Groomes | June 26th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
wow - i am making a mental note on this one because that is an AWESOME response! especially the wink
Thank you so much for sharing!
kate | June 26th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
It took me a long time to realize that often the wisest most experienced person in the room is often the quietest and most approachable. You showed all the signs of a great leader. Thanks for sharing! That was fun to read. Sometimes those “female qualities” end up being the asset we should all be proud of.
Stacey | July 9th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Luv it! The look on “coffee boy’s face….PRICELESS!” I am an executive in a company that has many strong, visible women leaders, but is still dominated by men. So far, no one has asked me to make coffee, but your response just went in my mental roladex as I may need to use it later.
Tee in DC | July 17th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I totally agree with you - and reading more of this blog reminds me that this is not just about me, it’s about setting an example for my daughter. I find my “defensive” reaction usually comes from a self-conscious place; my “humbler” nature comes from a self-confident one. Your story makes me remember that I don’t need validation from strangers to feel good about myself - as a professional or as a mom.
Steph in ATL | July 30th, 2008 at 4:10 pm