with Britt Reints
Forget the 9 to 5; Full Time, All the Time is a blog about the mobile working life - when you have the freedom to work from anywhere and the responsibility of always having your smartphone turned on. Britt Reints works as a freelance writer while traveling fulltime in an RV with her husband and two kids. She explores balancing real-life bills with an unconventional work life, and finding time to maintain relationships with family and friends.
You can also find Britt at InPursuitOfHappiness.net.
Categories: Uncategorized, balance, mommy guilt, relationships, working mom
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I’ve talked about my need to relax here before. You can’t read a website or a book about women without stumbling on at least one mention of getting some “me” time, or remembering to “take care of yourself”.
We’re reminded over and over again that the best thing we can do for the people who count on us is to take time to nurture ourselves. Getting away, it seems, if only for the time it takes to enjoy a nice hot bath, is essential to our mental health.
My husband doesn’t get it.
He supports it. He knows the need exists for me. He is fully aware of the collateral damage that will result in me not taking care of myself. But he doesn’t really get it.
Or rather, he doesn’t seem to need it for himself.
I used to beat myself up about this. I felt guilty when I saw him come home from work and be able to slip right into fun dad mode. I agonized over the fact that he never seemed to reach his limit for family time or us time. Not once can I ever recall him collapsing in a heap on the floor in tears, sobbing that he “just wanted to use the bathroom alone! Just for a few minutes!” Heck. I still let that bother me if I think about it long enough to, say, write a blog post about it.
It would be easy to suggest that he doesn’t need to take time to address his needs because they’re already being met. Because I am clearly an awesome spouse.
And I could suggest that he isn’t required to do as much of the hands on, intensive nurturing that tends to drain my female friends and me. Because we are clearly the more awesome sex.
But I know better. He works full time. He’s an active, involved parent. He’s a conscientious spouse who invests a crap load of emotional energy into keeping me happy. He’s certainly giving just as much as I am on a day to day basis.
So why is it he doesn’t need to take as much back?
A woman close to me is trying to figure this out in her own relationship. She needs alone time - which other women understand. He needs as much time with her as he can get - which makes her want to strangle him.
A recent Forbes article noted that women seem to be more effected by stress from the current economy and need, even more so than men, to take some alone time to deal with that stress.
And here is where a better writer would insert some well thought out and insightful conclusion. But I have none. I’m baffled by the difference between my constant craving for alone time and my husband’s apparent immunity to it.
I’m curious if this is a phenomenon unique to my household and the women I know. Do you find that the working mom in your household needs more space to refuel than the working dad? If so, do you let that lead to guilt and a “can do it all” attitude in order to keep up?
Photo by Luza.
I definitely need my time alone. At least an hour or two a day, minimum.
Avitable | February 25th, 2009 at 7:38 am
@Avitable - yeahhhh, but you’re kind of a girl.
Miss Britt | February 25th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Could it be because daddy’s get some by default. So they don’t ‘crave’ it like we do?
I’m not trying to be negative. I just think I’m always ‘on’, and my husband, not so much. Keeping the diaper bag stocked, where’s the baby socks, where are the diapers, etc. We keep a lot up in our heads and my husband seems to turn it off much easily.
Too easily sometimes.
Heather | February 25th, 2009 at 9:28 am
I knew you were going to say that. Dammit.
Avitable | February 25th, 2009 at 9:59 am
I just figured his daily 30+ minutes in the bathroom was his “alone time.”
Robyn - Who's the Boss? | February 25th, 2009 at 11:18 am
As you know, we are married to the same man, so I have the same issue. Here’s what I think: It’s not work for them. Work is work. Plus, men are not that comtemplative; I don’t think they can be alone too long or they start to think about STUFF and then they turn on the TV or something. And I also they don’t feel the need to take care of and manage everyone around them so other people don’t exhaust them. They don’t carry the same emotional weight around that we do.
Finn | February 25th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Look at that train wreck of a comment. I really need to proofread before hitting “submit.”
Finn | February 25th, 2009 at 11:20 am
I definitely need more alone time, but I think I always contributed that to the fact that as a kid, I played alone a lot. By choice. My husband? - Never. He likes being surrounded by noise and distractions. Must be that other thing, too, like, how women process everything and men can pretty much tune out and focus on one thing. I cannot process out all the other thoughts in my head (worries, things that need to be done today, tomorrow, next week, right now) with the current noises (kid, pets, tv, etc). He can walk in and simply relax and focus on whatever it is he chooses to focus on. Very interesting article!
Yet one more thing for me to process. Ha!
Sybil Law | February 25th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Its the complete opposite for me. I don’t crave alone time. I mean, in the back of my head I think, “Gee wouldn’t it be nice to go out dancin’ with the girls this weekend” or “Maybe I should just say screw it and get that gym membership” But I just kinda accept that its not gonna happen. What I DO crave is more time with my hubby, as a couple and as a family. All of the “alone” time that he says he needs (and gets just about every day) cuts into the time that we could be spending together. I think it just depends on the individual person.
Erica | February 25th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I am a first time mom who works all day at a high stress job. I totally feel guilty to take time for myself, even if its just running errands. So much so that what used to take me two hours to do I can get done in under an hour. Crazy I know. My husband doesn’t seem to need that time just to breathe which makes me feel more guilty about leaving or sneaking to the bathroom with a book. He does just as much as I do and yet is fine with hitting the door running. I come home and I have my computer bag hanging off my arm, along with my purse, and the diaper bag while balancing my son on my head….well at least it feels that way.
Are we really wired that differently?
Kristen | February 26th, 2009 at 8:05 am
I agree with Erica - it’s an individual thing. I know men at both extremes. Women, too.
If there is a “trend,” I’d say it’s because the average man is not wired to be highly invested in details like the average woman is. I have a friend (male) who is unhappily divorced. When I asked him why his wife divorced him, he said a lot of it was fights over things like: why did he have to ASK which drawer the kids’ socks belong in? These things that are not important to our national security, but about which many women are perfectionists.
I’d say that perfectionism about relatively unimportant details is a big reason why many women need specific “me time” to get away from the self-imposed pressure. Guys - they are more likely to live in the moment with their kids, which isn’t as draining.
I’d say, if your guy says he doesn’t need “me” time, believe him. Give him another chore.
SKL | February 26th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Wow. I thought it was just ME. I find that I really look forward to that time after everyone else has gone to bed and I can just putter around with my thoughts… which is weird, because as a SAHM/WAHM, I’m alone for most of the day, too. I’d been thinking that I was just anti-social.
Donna | February 26th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
I need alone time, and think I need it more then my husband simply because he can get it more then me. He can go to the little boys room without a little toddler screaming and pounding on the door, he can eat on his own, he can take breaks at work. He comes home at 11:30 at night from work, stay up playing WOW, sleeps until work and starts all over again. Same schedule is kept on weekends without going to work though.
The only time I get real alone time is if I stay up although I’m exhausted, during naps and after he goes to sleep. However, I can’t stay up long at night or I won’t get too much sleep because our toddler will be up earlier then I would want to!
Once or twice a year we spend our vacation time visiting family and I can get breaks then. I can nap or go on a short walk while my MIL watches him, I can eat uninterrupted while aunts, Ama or Paw Paw or
cousins amuse him…and when visiting my family, my brother and sister will take him for half a day or pick him up and cuddle him if he’s unhappy, falls etc, they watch and gently steer him from things he shouldn’t be getting into etc. So as much as I wish we could spend the money on an actual vacation - if we lived close to family - I appreciate these visits.
Amy | February 26th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I think I could have written this post as it describes me to a T! My husband is oh so happy to settle in for family time with our daughter at the end of the day, week, what-have you. Me, I start to get that crawling skin syndrome where I just want to run and get away from it all. I don’t know what it is–however it does leave me feeling inadequate. Maybe it’s because as a working mother I feel like I can’t do either role complete justice–I am neither the consummate employee or mother.
auburndalia | February 26th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Wow…this post really hits home for me. It is truly the same way in our household. My husband and I are partners in all things. With that said, there are obviously some things that he tends to more often and other things that I deal with more frequently. But he is definitely a “jump in” kind of guy who is very devoted to me and to our kids.
So, we are both extremely busy. But I definitely need more “me time” than he does. And I do sometimes feel guilty about that. However, I always encourage him to take time to himself. When our kids were a bit younger, I had suggested that we each take 2 hours apart from the family to do something that we wanted, no questions asked. It could be as simple as sitting in Starbuck’s reading a book or taking a nap to planning a bike ride with a friend. I did this frequently but found that he did not.
I don’t have any great insights here but can tell you that I am in a similar situation. One thing that I will mention is that as women, we tend to ruminate and worry about things much more than our significant others do. Sometimes I just need to give my brain a break from all of that stressful focus. But my husband does not worry this way; he has a much more laid back view of life which can be good and bad. But I think it plays into our differing need for alone time.
Cheers,
Renay
Renay Picard | February 26th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
It’s the opposite in our house, though we both need it. He just needs it a lot more. He works part time, and I work from home, so we see each other a lot more than households where both work full time. He gets ‘itchy’ to get out of the house and with his guy friends or to his art studio if he’s been home for dinner 2 or 3 nights in a row. I need one night off a week (which I get and he supports fully) but I don’t need it as badly as he does. It used to bother me that he wanted to be away that much, but I’ve come to understand it. The relationship is great, but we both really need that time alone to stay sane.
Bethany | February 26th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I SO relate to this. I had a mommy meltdown after a recent dropoff playdate at our house. This isn’t like me. But, I was worn out. I asked my husband to take our then 5 year old son to the gym with him. I just needed a break. I work from home, and am around my son way more than my husband. Yes, he works hard, and I’m grateful for that, but he is around adults all day, and then comes home, hits the gym or works late…etc. And, I’m here with out son.
I CRAVE alone time. Don’t get enough of it.
Robin
founder
http://www.MotherhoodLater.com
Robin, founder, www.MotherhoodLater.com | February 26th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I totally agree with Heather’s comment above. Personally, I feel like I crave more alone time because I get less.
Ren | February 26th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
My husband needs alone time too. He takes his going for a walks early morning before everyone gets up.
I take my alone time after everyone is in bed at night.
I think we both are equal in the need for alone time.
Debbie | February 26th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
I don’t think it’s true all the time, but it’s definitely true in MY case. In fact, even in my kidless days when I went through a laid-off period and hubs wouldn’t be home until after 7:00 pm, I totally relished every alone moment (and occasionally LONG for those days). While my husband goes insane when he’s alone more than an hour or so.
Now I’m going insane from LACK of alone-time . . .
Brigitte | February 27th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Great question . . . I definitely need more alone time. RC is a great dad and totally invested in the kids, but he doesn’t seem to have his antennae up all the time like I do. So we can be doing the same thing at the same time, say eating dinner with the family. I will be worrying about what everyone is eating, whether they got their daily nutritional quota, whether there is going to be time to get homework done before bed, whose backpack is ready for school the next day, whether I bought enough bananas for breakfast, whethere there will be time enough in the morning to get the first load of wash in, whether his suit came back form the dry cleaners, whether Maggie just spilled food all over her shirt that she is going to want to wear to gymnastics, whether D is wearing the pants with the hold in them . . . ad infinitum, ad nauseum . . . whereas RC will just be eating his dinner. And will address a problem that specifically presents itself to him at that moment. And nothing else. No wonder I need a sanatorium.
Elaine at Lipstickdaily | February 27th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Oh, God, this subject hits SO close to home right now. I absolutely crave alone time. I will even go so far as to take a “mental health” day from work just to get it. However, our situation for the last 9 months has put a MAJOR cabash on it. Since DH has been out of work, and therefore at home 24/7, alone time has been ZERO. Don’t get me wrong. I dearly LOVE my husband and daughter. But if he doesn’t get a job soon and get out of this house, I swear to God, I’m gonna kill something or someone. I think a lof of it is that we as women are everything to everyone and that we’re never “off duty”, so to speak. Right now, I get “I’ll leave you alone and you can be alone.” But he doesn’t GET IT. I want him OUT OF THE HOUSE, so I can be alone. And if I grab the laptop and head out, I have to go thru the whole explaination that I’ve GOT to get out of the house to be alone.
No, they really don’t get it. And frankly, I don’t think they ever will. They simply don’t understand that we really need the “me” time in order to keep from losing our own identity.
JD | February 27th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Its funny, but I was just going to blog about this exact topic. I think it depends on the couple. I find my husband and I both need the downtime, but it seems like it is harder for me to fully unplug. I travel for work more than my husband and I am always so wiped out from the travel and stress of being away from home. Today, I had to take a “sick day” just to get some time alone.
AmandaS | March 3rd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Question: does the working mum come home from work, play with the children, get dinner ready, feed them dinner, clean up after dinner, put them in the bath, dress them for bed, arrange teeth brushing then pass them over to dad for a story?
does dad come home and go straight to reading a story/play?
Answer: mum needs more time because mum comes home from one job and goes straight into the 2nd job without a breath for air (and dont get me wrong, mum loves it!) but still….. there is your answer on the required alone time for women over men……. but thats just me.
MiniHipster.com
MiniHipster.com | March 4th, 2009 at 5:37 am
In answer to you question — yes, I crave much more alone time than my husband. We are both working parents with two children ages 8 and 10. I have a stressful job full of demanding deadlines and am constantly juggling my client needs with trying to maintain a semblance of work/life balance. I’m also the parent who is the nurturer, the homework helper, the meal maker, the school volunteer and the playdate chauffer. At night fall, my reward for hard day’s work is to crawl under the covers with a mindless tabloid and zero interruptions. Here’s my theory on why men do not require as much “alone time” as women, even if they contribute their fair share to the family duties. They simply know how to capture stolen moments of downtime better during the day. My husband, a field sales rep, doesn’t think twice about taking time for a pedicure, a massage or even a long walk along the lakefront during his lunch hour. or afternoon break Twice a week, he escapes to the health club for water aerobics, laps in the pool or a soak in the sauna. Where does he find the time? He MAKES the time. More importantly, he doesn’t feel guilty doing so. He doesn’t let anyone stand in his way — he simply does it, no questions asked. He’s highly successful in his position, is attending evening MBA school and still manages to find time for himself. Here’s our problem, Ladies. Do we dare ever say “no”? As perpetual people pleasures, self-nurturing behaviors trigger guilt. We have clients or bosses to serve. E-mails and voice mails to return. Children who whine with hunger or need for mommy time. Pets who need to be walked, fed or cleaned. We shortchange ourselves of alone time, and it builds up like bad debt until our emotional energy is overdrawn. Yet, if we say “no” — we’re met with sniffles, scoffs and reprimands for neglecting our jobs. The vicious cycle continues. Without the valuable moments of soul-searching and solitude that restore and recharge our spirts, we collapse into a useless heap. We see our husbands catnapping on the couch watching reruns of the Three Stooges, and we slipinto the laundry room to do another load. We simply give ourselves permission to put ourselves first. Easier said than done, we say to excuse our self-negligence. Saddly, I find myself wishing I had a cold, the flu or some illness that would make me bed-ridden so I could have a bonafide reason to pull the covers over my head, shut out the world and find an excuse to be MIA!
Kristin | March 8th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
hi, thanks,The article was very well written, very helpful to me
ArianaFeat | May 14th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Yes, absolutely. I struggle with my stress level and anxiety if I don’t have at least 4 hours on the weekends interuption free to go through emails, clean the house, and sort through bills/mail. This my moment of zen. I’d rather be doing this quite often than doing something fun with my husband and baby. After working all week and ALWAYS being around people - I need alone time! My husband doesn’t seem to need this….he goes with the flow and spends an equal amount of time with the baby (sometimes more)!. My job is a lot more stressful and demanding than his though and I have a farther commute (with daycare dropoff and pickup duties) everyday.
stefrz | June 14th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
My ex needs tons of alone time. When we were dating I thought this was great, because I needed lots of alone time too and my former BF needed none it seemed.
FF 10 years, I wish he needed less alone time and wanted our daughter more often!
I don’t think though that it is a woman or man thing; I think it’s a personality thing. Some people are energized by being around others; they need less alone time. Some people are recharged by being alone; they need more alone time.
My sister and BIL both need someone around lots of the time. They speak on the phone to friends or each other nearly constantly. I think my niece is a precocious talker partly because her SAHM needed someone to talk to!
Mich | June 18th, 2009 at 11:46 am
The same difference exists in our house. He’s the extrovert, I’m the introvert. I used to feel bad about taking so much time for myself, even when I knew it was absolutely essential to being a decent human being, mother, and partner, until I understood that he really doesn’t need it in the same way. That said, I did keep encouraging him to do SOMETHING for himself in the week, and his singing lessons now give him a lot of joy. We are each other’s teachers — I’m trying to learn from his ability to put relationship (with me, with my daughter) before phone calls, work, laundry, etc. etc.
It has been SO deeply helpful to read the orginal blog and all the comments. It’s always nice to know I’m not totally weird. Thanks, everyone!
tanerraid | July 3rd, 2009 at 3:20 pm
So who understand man ?
Because he has more resistance
He has to take double stress?
JS | August 12th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Well if i don’t if I would call it “me time” as opposed to wanting to do things just for me.. and if anybody wants to go along for the ride so be it.. I like the thought that you need some personal independance for your own personal growth and relaxation but .. I do appreciate that we do, as women or anybody for that matter .. sometimes need to have the less stressful moments in our lives..So I incorporate balance.. I just do.. and again if anybody wants to enjoy with me, nice and if they don’t bonus! I like meditation, I like creating in an artistic manner , etc.. So if my partner or family, friends want to share so be it.. if not .,.Oh well. Free will is over looked a lot of the time because of guilt. We feel guilty because the other person is alway’s preceived as working more or harder .. and so we shouldn’t be selfish and want those moments(hours) to ourselves.Who said? I say be selfish, it’s not! it is “self” do what want makes us a better person, makes us a better parent or a better partner. Cindy
Cindy | October 29th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I need my alone time desperately (I’m an only child) but no matter what, my husband is ALWAYS THERE. If I take a day off from work to be alone, he comes home at lunch to veg in front of the TV. I have tried talking to him about the fact that as an only child, I need my alone time to recharge but he just rolls his eyes and calls me “unbelievable”. I haven’t had even 1 hour to myself in over 6 months and I am so angry. I am so tired of hearing the TV all day long!!! I just need silence!!!!! Why can’t I enjoy my own home? I guess I just picked the wrong man because not only does he not understand, he doesn’t TRY to understand OR give me the space that I need SO MUCH!
Christie | November 23rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
The reason women need more time alone is because mothering (especially at home) generally involves more intense nurturing and women get less time alone in general, have more emotional symbiosis w/ kids and also do more crappy stuff related to housework, chores etc. My partner,like me, is a woman and needs space. And I’m more like your husband. I work all day, come home and hang out with our kid, have a ball. No matter how much cleaning, etc I do I don’t feel the need for space as much as her. But recently I stayed home for three days with our toddler on my own. I understand now. Working is easy in comparison; you have time alone in the bus or car to read or think, you can even listen to music. You eat when you’re hungry, rather than thinking about who else is hungry, engage in nice, stimulating conversation with other adults, browse a shop on the way home, check your email. Being at home, as fun and great as it is, is much harder, and one has much less space to breathe, eat, pee and think.
Kate Just | October 31st, 2010 at 4:20 am
Thank you for sharing this. I thought I was alone in this.
Robin | August 19th, 2011 at 10:06 am
I absolutely agree with this. And, as I sit here alone in the evening with my laptop and peruse sites I feel guilty. He goes to bed and I sit up…in the peace and quiet with just me and my thoughts or lack thereof to do what I consider relaxing. He absolutely hates it, but I don’t see much difference in his need to watch t.v. every night. But, he is also able to just relax and be dad in the moment 10x better than me. I have things to consider: homework, lunches, papers signed, laundry, floors, etc. along with a full time, stressful job.
Men are fantastically able to detach from the “to-do lists” and women pressure themselves every waking moment.
LDarr | August 30th, 2012 at 8:40 pm