Full Time, All the Time
with Britt and Robyn
I'm Britt. I work full time as a mom, wife, blogger and salesperson with a fancy management title. And I'm Robyn. I work as a project manager and between corporate meetings manage to cook a home-made meal every day. This blog is about our experiences of juggling full-time work with family.
Check out our personal blogs:
Miss Britt and Who's the Boss?
Yes, Working Moms are different than WAHMs. So what?
Categories: mommy guilt, working from home, working mom
Boy, do we women love to talk about how we’re different.
And it takes about 30 seconds for those conversations to jump from “different” to “better” and “worse” and “harder” and “easier”.
The most recent example I’ve seen of this phenomenon is between the work-at-home-moms and the work-outside-the-home-moms. Or the WAHMs vs WOHMs throwdown, as parental acronym experts call it.
For those of you who do not have to keep up with internet drama topical discussions on working mothers for the sake of a job, let me bring you up to speed.
Mother who works outside the home says working outside the home is different than working at home. Possibly even harder.
Mother who works at home says working inside the home is real work, too. Possibly even harder.
And mothers everywhere, once again, line up to take sides.
There. You’re caught up. Now, here’s my two cents.
Working outside of the home is, in fact, different from working at home.
That doesn’t mean that WAHMs aren’t working “real” jobs. Quite frankly, if you’re drawing a paycheck, you’re working a “real” job. And I have had dozens of bosses with very big offices who perfectly illustrate the fact that it’s not how “hard” you work that determines how “real” your paycheck is.
But, working outside of the home is different.
I’ve done both. I do both. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I work from my home. Of course, I ship my kids off to daycare and/or school to do it - but I am still working from the comfort of my own home. And on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I schlep my butt 45 minutes into an office to work outside of my home. I have also worked from my home with my children at home with me.
I tell you from experience that working outside of the home is different.
Working outside of the home, for me, means dealing with a commute and an office environment. It means structure and shared space and supervision. It means putting off all of my household responsibilities until 6pm at night. Those things are less of a concern - or nonexistant - on the days that I work from home.
Working from home, for me, means staring at laundry and emails and debating which to do first. It means being isolated from face to face adult interaction. It means having to explain that, “yes, I am working” and “no, I can’t just ‘take a break’ in the middle of the day” simply because I’m home.
Working at home, for me, with my children underfoot means trying not to lose my freaking mind.
All three of those scenarios are different.
So what?
Why do we, as women and as mothers, constantly feel the need to expand on our differences in an effort to justify who is doing it better? Why are we so threatened when one of us attempts to explain our own struggles? Why do we immediately feel the need to convince one another that our paths are harder or easier or better or worse than another path?
Different is neither better nor worse.
It is different.
Full stop.
Is that not a mantra we hammer into our children’s heads? Are we not constantly trying to teach the next generation to be more accepting of different? Lord, I hope so.
Perhaps we should spend just as much energy fostering that tolerance amongst each other. When we hear a mother say “this is hard!”, maybe we can learn to close our mouths and nod our heads and simply acknowledge that “yes, it is” - without insisting that it could be even harder.
And, perhaps, when we open up a discussion about the struggles of motherhood, we should make an effort to give a voice to those differences.
And, maybe, just maybe, when one of us says “you know what? I feel like no one else in the world has it as hard as I do right now. I feel like what I do is harder because I work outside the home/am a single mom/have a special needs child/breastfeed/am a stay at home mom” - we can ignore our own insecurities for a moment and remember the last time we felt exactly the same way for our very own reasons.
Maybe then we can hear the underlying message.
This crap is hard.
And sometimes the best thing we can do to make it easier for one another is nod our heads and say “yes, yes it is.”
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Yes. Yes, it is.
Finn | June 17th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Yes, this stuff is hard, and we moms are up to it.
First, I agree that there is way too much emphasis placed on “differences” in this society. We all are different. When I was childless, my job was still very different from that of the person in the office next door to me, for a variety of reasons, mostly relating to who I am. I’m shy, I’m intelligent, I’m not a morning person, etc., hence my job is going to be different from that of most of my colleagues. And like you said, so what? So now I am a mom too - so what?
Why is this important? Why are any “categories” important? My kids are indigenous native Americans / foreign-born / American citizens / Hispanic / Latina / brown / Asian genetically / suburban Midwest / who cares? I’m expected to check “one or more boxes” whenever I fill out a paper on them. What does any of that have to do with who they are? Our tendency to classify is not only irrelevant but can be detrimental.
Before and after kids, I’ve worked at home when it’s made sense, and worked in an office when it made sense. The flexibility to work at home is a job characteristic that I considered when interviewing for jobs. I turned down one very attractive position (before kids), only because it would have required me to be in an office, in a suit, before 9am five days a week. But the other side of the story is that I work an average of 12 hours a day, sometimes overnight, whether I’m home or in my office. If I take 10 minutes to do something personal at home, it’s no different from taking 10 minutes to BS with coworkers or taking a walk downtown to blow off steam from a stressful project. The bigger difference is - is my work more or less valuable than another person - regardless of where either of us has parked our butts while doing such work. But more importantly, am “I” satisfied with the quality of “my” work and the fairness of “my” compensation.
I think WAHMs may sometimes feel that people will assume they are just selling Avon if they don’t clarify. So, clarify away, but stick to the value you add, not whether or not the location of your computer makes you a better person. In fact, why offer that you are a “WAHM” at all, unless it’s required for the conversation to make sense?
Some of this goes back to the whole “choices” thing. If you are a WAHM / WOHM or both, it’s a choice. You can make another choice. Either own your choice or change it. Don’t whine about how haaaaard it is compared to the choices others have made.
SKL | June 17th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Great post. I think that, especially as women, it is best to focus on supporting each other. You said it all so well. {claps wildly}
Alli Worthington | June 17th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Can I just say AMEN to THIS?:
“Working at home, for me, with my children underfoot means trying not to lose my freaking mind.”
You put it perfectly.
I work in the house and out. I LOVE the time I spend at the office because I’m away from the chaos that inevitably comes with trying to do it all — at once. Conversely, I feel SANE when I’m at the office.
Today, for example, I had work coming out of my ears, and I did most of it with two children tugging at my clothes, demanding food, and screaming at each other. It was plain awful.
Hard, man, yes. But, I love my job, love being with my kids and watching them grow (blessed to have that choice, yes), and I AM lucky to have the opportunity to work at home, to have the flexibility to WAH or to WAO.
I think what I’m trying to say with this comment is that my situation — that everyone’s — is unique. Though seemingly ideal, with the choice of WAO or WAH, my situation involves long, insane, emotionally and physically challenging days. So, there are really no bulk comparisons to be made.
I’ve found this whole dialogue really interesting (unfortunate, as it is, that it got nasty in comments) and thought-provoking. I think it’s reminded us all that there are all sorts of moms, all doing the best they can, all working damn hard.
Haley-O | June 17th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Well said, er, written. I’ve gotten caught up in, or between the two sides and am always so dismayed at how women tend to be less than supportive about our choices. And yeah. It’s all hard.
Marijean | June 17th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
One more thing, partially in response to SKL’s comment — for some it’s not really a “choice” to go to work full time with young kids. It’s survival.
Marijean | June 17th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
DISCLAIMER: This comment is not directed at the OP. It is directed at all women who actually engage in the activity the OP has written about.
I think what I’m most tired of hearing from all camps is the universal cry of, “But it’s sooooo haaaard!” Really? It’s hard to be gainfully employed (WOHM AND WAHM); have a roof over your head, lights, climate control; food in the fridge; clothes on your back; children who love you; close friends; a spouse or s/o who is there for you (or not - many people don’t even need that)…
Sure. We over-extend ourselves, but that’s a function of our choice and in many cases, if you look honestly, you’ll find that a lot of your activities aren’t absolutely necessary to living your life happily.
No. What’s HARD is being homeless with your children; making 300 dollars last a month; wondering where your next meal is going to come from; having a home with no heat when it’s below 32 degrees in the winter; being battered, abused or living with someone who routinely sexually assaults you or your children or both and not knowing how to leave - or being too frightened to go.
So the next time this “debate” ensues, maybe all parties should be grateful that they even have the time, the computer and the cable or internet connection to even have it in the first place. Those three things right there indicate to me that they are not living HARD lives at all.
I’m a WOHM whose child is cared for by a SAHF. Our lives are full. We over extend ourselves constantly and there never seems to be quite enough money or time in the day. But we have a home, a car, pets, food, clothing, furntiure, cable, a computer, heat in the winter and A/C in the summer, a little extra to throw on the Charlie Card for the subway to go wander the city and a happy, beautiful little girl who makes us laugh constantly…and I’d wager that most of you have similar things. How effing HARD is this?!
Talk to me about hard when you have your children by your side on a street corner and you’re asking for spare change from passers-by who act as though you’re not even there. I’ve seen it - and once in my life, I was homeless too (thankfully long, long before I ever started a family) and even then I felt so lucky to be solo and homeless with friends and prospects compared to some I saw with little kids in tow and not knowing WHAT they were going to do. They’re the ones that have it hard, not us.
Now, if you want to talk about exhaustion, worry, stress…we all have that in abundance. But sooooo haaaaard? Oh STFU already.
Phe | June 18th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Phe - yeah, it’s definitely easy to get caught up in the daily stress of our life and forget about how lucky we all are. Absolutely.
I think that’s natural though. I think you have to be careful to not let that mindset become your identity - but we’re all allowed moments of weakness. UNFORTUNATELY, I think when these conversations degenerate into competitions about who has it worse - the biggest consequence of that is that now we are focusing on the negatives in order to “win” the contest.
Sometimes a sympathetic acknowledgment of day to day “hard” is enough to get us over the hump and back to appreciating our lives.
Miss Britt | June 18th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Miss Britt - I know that some days it feels hard and overwhelming for everyone. It’s just that I despise these negative competitions between women and they’re all too frequent on altogether too many subjects form the mundane to the polarizing. I guess…I live in a not-so-nice area and am acutely aware that we’re better off than most of our immediate neighbors with kids. I see hard on their faces every day in a way that I don’t see it on others and that’s a sore spot for me when I do hear other women comparing how hard they have it over a latte at lunch.
So I went off a little. Sorry. : ) I wish we could acknowledge the bad days and times with each other instead of competing though. It would be so nice.
Phe | June 18th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Phe, I agree with you, and I also feel there is a bit of “I need to be bailed out” in the standard whine. “This is more than anyone should have to take, why isn’t the government doing A and forcing my rotten employer to do B?” So I do feel that it’s more than just irritating to have these conversations going on. It distracts women from the true source of their discomfort (and what they can do about it), poisons work environments, illogically affects policy discussions, etc.
Nobody has it “easy” because, like you said, everyone chooses to complicate their lives in one way or another. But to me, the key fact is that women have the ability to handle what they “need” to handle, and should just be glad that there are multiple ways they can choose to do so.
SKL | June 18th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Agreed.
Robyn | June 18th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Word.
Maria | June 18th, 2009 at 12:53 pm