Full Time, All the Time
with Britt and Robyn
I'm Britt. I work full time as a mom, wife, blogger and salesperson with a fancy management title. And I'm Robyn. I work as a project manager and between corporate meetings manage to cook a home-made meal every day. This blog is about our experiences of juggling full-time work with family.
Check out our personal blogs:
Miss Britt and Who's the Boss?
I knew we were poor when I was growing up.
I knew the car we drove was beyond used. I knew when the food I ate had come from a food bank. I knew that we had to buy groceries from a list and that the type of juice we bought was dictated by government regulations.
And I knew better than to ask for things we couldn’t afford.
The reality of our circumstances could not have been concealed with even the most protective parenting. I don’t, in any way, blame my mother for the fact that I knew more about money than most kids. But at the same time, I’d always hoped to be able to protect my own children from that level of awareness.
Unfortunately, this sucktastic economy has put a swift end to those plans.
I avoided it for as long as I could, but there are only so many creative ways you can answer “why can’t I have this?” before you have to admit that “we don’t have the money right now.”
My family is luckier than most. We have a nice home with a mortgage we’re up to date on. We go out to eat occasionally, we take mini-vacations, and we can still afford the basics as well as little luxuries here and there.
But we are looking at ways to cut costs and scale back - and sometimes that means not being able to keep up with all of the desires of our kids.
Trying to explain that to a 9 year old is difficult.
He doesn’t understand why he got to go to Toys R’ Us last week but can’t go to Disney Quest this weekend.
He doesn’t understand why we chose a less expensive daycare option for the summer, but paid for Tae Kwon Do lessons all school year.
What he does understand is that he’s heard the word “money” used to explain our decisions. And I’ve noticed that’s sticking with him.
An extra field trip came up at the daycare he’s attending this summer and he didn’t tell me about it. When I asked if he wanted to go he said, “Yeah, but it costs money.”
Hello, heartbreak.
It kills me to see him take on the same responsibilities that I did as a child. I hate that he knows what it means to be limited by financial resources - especially since he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to appreciate the subtle nuances of budgeting and choices.
I wish I could have protected him from this. I wish that I could have found a way to teach him about the value of a dollar without prematurely exposing him to the fear of not having enough. I wish that I could tell him “not to worry” and make it so.
I wish that, at least in his little life, money was no object.
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I think at age 9 it’s high time to introduce these lessons. Instead of waiting until he asks, be proactive and involve him in the decisions. “We have X dollars and we can choose between A, B, and C. What do you think about it?” By letting him feel some measure of control, you can turn many negatives into positives.
Your son already knows that time is finite. I assume you don’t feel badly when you have to tell him “we don’t have enough time.” Why is money different? Isn’t it better that he learn how to manage both time and money before he has the opportunity to make costly mistakes? I believe that if you shield him from this, you increase the likelihood that his own kids will have even less (materially).
I also grew up on an extremely tight budget (tighter than those on government assistance), and I am really glad that I developed an awareness of budgeting. As a result, I have enough money saved that I could spoil my daughters rotten. However, even at age 2, I make them aware of money constraints (to the extent they can comprehend). I am surprised that some parents consider this something regrettable.
SKL | June 24th, 2009 at 7:15 am
SKL - can I just say, thanks for reading and commenting here? Your comments are always so wise and balanced.
It’s definitely true that I learned a lot about being responsible with money from my own experiences. I DO want my kids to have that, too.
Miss Britt | June 24th, 2009 at 7:54 am
We always tell that to our daughter when she wants something that we cannot afford. Also when she asks for things just because she likes the way it looks. The other day when we were driving she was looking at a convertible and was saying that it looks great, why dont we get one. We told her - That car is may be 3 times costlier than our car and we cannot afford it. She seems to get the idea. I think teaching them the limits is very important.
Lakshmi | June 24th, 2009 at 8:28 am
This is, quite possibly, the worst part of parenting.
My son is an only grandchild on one side and an only child. He doesn’t want for almost anything, but that is more a function of family generosity than being spoiled by his parents. He has more disposible cash than we do and that is what he’s to use if he wants to get something when we stop at Target.
There comes a point in life where we have to learn that we can’t have everything simply because we want it. We have to make choices. It’s never too early to learn that, no matter how painful it can be to us parents.
Finn | June 24th, 2009 at 8:39 am
I agree that your son is getting a great lesson. My family growing up wasn’t rich either. I love that I learned how to budget and save. I want my daughter to know that too. I want her to understand money and how to use it wisely. I had to save up for things and the items I worked and saved more meant more to me than almost all of my gifts. The most responsible people I know are those that had parents that taught them about money and the harsh realities (without scaring them).
I know we want to protect our kids and make things easy for them. Really though, think of the learning experiences they are missing. I try to remember that I am teaching my child to be an adult. I don’t want her to feel entitled, or feel that status symbols and money make the person.
I agree with SKL. Give him some responsibility. Let him help make some decisions when he can and let him decide to save money for the things he might really want if you can afford to do that.
Stacey S | June 24th, 2009 at 10:59 am
I know exactly what you mean and I am with ya. I grew up knowing way to much and I don’t want that for my kids….I think we all do the best we can and if our babies are happy and healthy then we are doing a damn good job. HUGS
Rachel | June 24th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Having been homeless not once, but twice in the last year and a half thanks to the sucktastical economy, My kids know all about the “Money” thing. They know we can’t afford extravagant things. I wish they didn’t have to deal with this….. but I bet it will make them stronger in the end!
Blondefabulous | June 24th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Hmm… I understand where you’re coming from. I grew up in an extremely poor home and often we didn’t have food to eat. However, I’m far more concerned about having a kid who is unaware of finances (and later struggles to learn how to budget and plan as an adult) than one who is even overly concerned with money matters while still young. Money is part of life, and learning how to manage this limited resource is a valuable skill.
Atomic Bombshell | June 24th, 2009 at 11:40 am
My husband just lost his job last night. Our almost-11 year old son offered to give up his allowance. Talk about heartbreak! We assured them things will be fine, we just will have to be careful with how we spend money in the meantime. Totally sucktastic.
Meg | June 24th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I definitely tell my kids why we can’t do things we *would* do otherwise. But if there is another reason we can’t do it, we always say that, too. Like, we were planning on bringing all the kids to Sea World when Bubby came home last week. But we had two financial min-catastrophes that cost us a total of about $800 so obviously that was out of the question. But also, hello, hot as Hades! So we also said that because of the heat advisories, it wouldn’t have been a good idea anyway.
I do feel that pang when I hear my kids say to each other, “That would be cool” and another responds, “Yeah but Mom and Dad don’t have any money.” We do have money-but it’s so tied up in keeping a roof over their heads and food in their belly and gas in the car and clothes on their backs that there isn’t much left over for non-necessities.
But you know, my job isn’t to make them happy all the time. My job is to keep them safe, teach them, and prepare them for life out from under my wings. If I get to make them happy now and then, great. But as long as I am doing those other jobs, and they know I love them, I am being the best parent I can be, and that is all I have to compare myself to: my own personal best.
On another note, we’ve decided that instead of buying our kids many *things* which always seem to end up broken or cast aside anyway, we want to invest in giving them *experiences* that they will remember long after they forget about those silly blo-pens. And we are lucky-there are SO many free or inexpensive options locally. State parks are all over the place; historical places abound. Instead of going crazy on Easter crap this year we took the girls camping at Anastasia Island. It was $26 for the campsite, and we packed food we would have bought anyway. We took them to the Yulee Sugar Mill historical site. We took them to Homosassa Springs on Mother’s Day so I got in free-it was about $16 for four of us. That way they still *feel* indulged, we get more quality family time, and we spend a lot less money. Having less crap underfoot in our already cramped house helps, too, ha!
If only we could get the teenaged boys interested in joining us!
Angel smith | June 24th, 2009 at 11:50 am
You know, I grew up on the other side of the fence. We did have enough money. However, money was never talked about in our house. The only awareness I had of money was my parents fighting when it was time to pay the bills. Not that we didn’t have enough, just that my dad always thought my mom spent too much. So now I have money issues that I am trying to deal with in my marriage. And I don’t know how to budget. And I still feel really bad telling my kids that “we don’t have enough money for that.” But truly, that is real life. Unless he becomes a millionaire by winning the lottery, Devin (and Emma too), will have to learn spending limits in order to have enough money for the things they need, then want. And it’s your job as a good parent (and you are a very good parent) to teach them this. And you are. Don’t feel bad because there is a finite amount of money. There is a finite amount of just about everything in life. And kids have to learn to make informed, balanced choices. I agree with SKL about letting Devin be involved in the choices. Keep up the good work!!
Wendy | June 24th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Yes, but Britt money will be an object in his life. It’s better to be teaching him that a) you have to live within your means and b) sometimes that means making choices.
When I got divorced, my income dropped by about 70% (ex was the main breadwinner). He still makes about 70% more than I do. When Lauren (now
is at his house, there is never any talk about how we can’t afford things. She asks and it is given. And her dad is broke–or so he tells me–up to his eyeballs in credit card debt, car loans, upside down on his expensive new house.
Not a very good way to bring up a kid.
At my house, it’s different. She knows to ask “can we afford this?” And I’m honest with her. She knows that I budget $100/ month for her toys, clothes, activities and outings. We subtract piano lessons ($36) from that right away. If she wants to do something big, like get a $40 mani-pedi, I’ll take her, but that means less stuff and outings for the rest of the month.
My parents sheltered me from their finances, and it was a mistake. I have learned the hard way–really hard way–over the past 18 years being on my own how to manage my money. I want Lauren to have healthy financial skills. That’s part of my job as her parent.
Lynn @ human, being | June 24th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
We had little to no money growing up - we did the homeless vagabond thing for almost a year.
I remember always being somewhat nervous handing my parents those field trip slips because I *knew* that they would not be eating much that week so that they had the money to pay for those field trips. Which is why I never complained when we didn’t get to bring money for souvenirs.
My son gets an insane amount of presents for his birthday and Christmas because he has four families - two of which consist of fifteen aunts and uncles. He also gets money from his grandparents for random things, never a lot but he somehow managed to learn saving all on his own when I jokingly told him two years ago that if he wanted to go to Orlando he had to help pay for it. $350 later, we’re going to Universal Studios. When he wants a new toy, he has earn the money himself (unless I’m just randomly buying him something new). His other option, if he has no money, is to use some of his Florida money. Sometimes he says yes, sometimes he says no.
A few times I have told him “We don’t have the money” - now every time we go somewhere he is worried we don’t have enough money. There is a fine fine line between keeping them aware and scarring them for life. And it’s a hard line to keep your balance on.
Sheila | June 24th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I think it’s perfectly fine–even necessary and beneficial–for a child to be told, “We can’t afford that right now.” And I’m saying that from both a parent and a psychologist’s perspective! Think of it in a different way–as a GOOD lesson to learn when young: that money doesn’t grow on trees, that what we spend $ on reflects our priorities and our needs, that we all need to leave responsibly and within our means, even when our means are less than other families’ (and that, on the flip side, we are better off than many, and should help those in need as we can).
Shannon | June 24th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Looks like you have some childhood issues to deal with because he needs to know how money works at this age. this should’ve been established when he was able to verbally ask for things.
kids need to ‘earn’ things. you figure out how to do that.
when do you plan on having any of the other difficult talks with him? dating, etc.? Because kids learn this stuff very early from their peers.
gwendolyn | June 24th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I really think it is ok to tell a 9-year old that you can’t afford everything. I started this with my own daughter, who is the same age, after she asked me repeatedly to buy her a horse. It does not mean that we can’t buy clothes and don’t have a roof over our heads, but I think kids should be aware that not everything in life is theirs for the taking. Even if I could afford a horse, does not mean that I would buy one.
On the flip side, I don’t think as parents we should endlessly moan about money and paying bills in front of kids — that’s not fair either. Dumping all of our insecurities on them is a far cry from saying we can’t go to Disney this summer.
Liann | June 24th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
We do tell our children about certain money things. I would never discuss the mortgage or the car, but when it comes to them wanting this and that? Absolutely. But I also make sure that they understand that asking isn’t an issue even if the answer is no (they don’t ask for much.)
My kids have an allowance, it’s small, but they have learned that they can save up over a long period of time and get what they want. They’re turning away from the instant gratification, and learning about going after what they really want. I’m proud they’re doing that.
I worry that they’ll be paranoid about money like I became from my up bringing, and I am working hard to shield them from that mentality that has never really left me. But at the same time, I want them to learn about being responsible for themselves financially so they don’t hit college and suddenly think all those free credit cards mean a license to spend. Maybe it’ll work, maybe not… but it’s the best I’ve got.
Kyra | June 24th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
I tell my kids that we can’t afford certain items all the time. I think, like most of the posters, it’s a lesson they need to learn as middle class folks. My feeling is that the biggest part of the problem with our crappy economy is that too many folks tried to live beyond their means (us included) and now everybody is paying for it. There is no shame in not being able to afford something.
That said, I do know how you feel when it comes to the confusion kids feel about cost and value. It smites you, doesn’t it? I remember feeling so ick as a child when I knew better than to ask for something and I hate to think about my kids ever feeling that way.
So maybe to help him get it all straight, you could work up a chore/allowance dealio. Both of my bebes (ages 7 and 2) have chores and allowances. And both of them have to put 30 percent in savings, which slays my husband. But they enjoy the pocket change (the oldest gets 1.50 a week) and my son is learning the value of work AND play.
Heather | June 24th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
So far money has come up mostly on the little things (I didn’t bring money to the park so we can’t get ice cream). But she is interested in how money plays into things more and more as they were introduced to it in school.
This summer we’ve been using it in terms of non-replacement; sorry you have to use the Dora umbrella but you should have kept track of the monkey umbrella. Sorry, no more swim goggles you lost both pairs and we don’t have money to replace everything.
We grew up on a tight budget but it was years before I knew how tight because my mother was a budgeter extraordinaire. Things have been tighter of late without child support as her dad was off work for 6 months, but I am careful like my mother was and haven’t had to cut activities.
At the same time things do cost and her not keeping hold of her things, I think, non-replacement is a realistic consequence that may teach her the value of stuff if not the full picture of money.
Mich | June 24th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your kids you have a finite amount of money. you’re teaching your son responsibility.
I have 3 kids ages 11, 8, and 6 and they know about our budget. Every once in a while is sit them down with some play money to illustrate. Here’s how I lay it out.
“Let’s say you make $100 dollars a month,” an amount they can understand. “Your house payment costs $20, your groceries cost $10, your utilities cost $10, your cable and internet cost $10, your clothes cost $10, you put $10 in savings, you donate $10 to charity, doctor bills and medicine cost $10, and you have $10 left for things like toys and pizza. So it’s not that we don’t have any money,” a common mistake the younger ones make. “It’s that we only have so much money for fun stuff.”
Sheryl | June 25th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I think that all kids should understand how things get paid for, I have a job, I work, I pay bills. Teaching them to do the same is a lession they need, I tell my daughter if she really wants something she will work for it, right know she just got a part time summer job. She is 15 and wants to drive. I told her i would split the cost with her, I am a single mom with two kids. I think its only fair, she needs to know that if you want it you will safe and work for it. I also make the kids do chores if they want money, for stuff like movies or games/toys. I can’t really aford to go out and buy the 20$ item but if they do chores and it’s a couple dollars here and there they can save and get it when they have enough money.
I think its my job to teach my kids how to handle money, in todays economy its ok to tell the kids you cant afford something….They should have been told that from the start!
ackej | June 25th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Yes…that’s not a valid question. It’s like asking should you be honest with your children. Children learn by example….not by you saying this and doing that.
It is good for them to know if something that you can not afford at the time. To grow up spoiled and not knowing no boundary is not good. To hide the fact that you can not afford it and buy it anyway..charge it..run up a bill that you can’t afford to pay. What kind of example would that be.
So in my opinion … be honest with your children,,it will not kill them to not have everything they want. It might even teach them to be a better adult.
eileen | June 25th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Our son has been absent from our lifes for 11 years. He was on drugs. He found out his father had passed away. and now he wants to come back home. I am afraid he hasn’t changed any. He still tries to justafy using marijona. I have moved into a INDEPENTENT living home be couse of financees I am afraid if he comes here he will be a burdon. My income is what I get from my late husbands SS. I am still trying to cope with the loss of my husband of 45 years I really don’t Need his problems too
Ann Powers | June 28th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I think it is too hard for him to know all of the reality of your household economy. You are smart to choose the reasonable things for him.
When I was in an elementary school , I didn’t think I needed money. That is because I had few chances to choose and buy any snacks or toys. But I didn’t think I was poor at all. Why don’t you stop going to ToysRas? I don’t want to bother about it, so I usually use a weekly grocery store’s delivery service. Someday you have to tell the fact about being poor, maybe the time he decides the future including going a college. But now, just enjoy your life with your wonderful son within the limit.
Keiko | June 30th, 2009 at 8:37 am