Full Time, All the Time
with Britt and Robyn
I'm Britt. I work full time as a mom, wife, blogger and salesperson with a fancy management title. And I'm Robyn. I work as a project manager and between corporate meetings manage to cook a home-made meal every day. This blog is about our experiences of juggling full-time work with family.
Check out our personal blogs:
Miss Britt and Who's the Boss?
Many of us are working moms because we have to be. Fortunately, we recognize that there are benefits to being a working mom.
Obviously there is more income to be shared with our spouses, and almost every working mother I know appreciates the sense of accomplishment she gets from working outside the home.
But what about our children?
Sure, they benefit from having things like food, clothing and shelter provided to them thanks to our paychecks. The economic advantages of having a mother who works full time seem to be the main motivating factor for mothers to remain in the workforce after they have children.
But I think my children are gaining more than just financial stability because I work.
My kids are independent because I work. My four year old daughter has been getting herself dressed in the morning for over a year now. She can pick out her own clothes, knows to change her underwear, and handle most of the buttons and zippers all on her own. My son can get breakfast for himself and his sister - and usually does. It’s vital in this house that we all pull our own weight, and my children are very good at trying to do things on their own before asking for help.
Of course, sometimes that means we’ve got cracked eggs on the floor and shoes on the wrong feet and they do still need their mommy - obviously. But that sense of independence that they’re learning will serve them well in life.
My kids are confident in social situations because I work. My working necessitates the kids going to daycare. They’re used to meeting new people and having to interact with adults who aren’t family members. And they have had to learn to do it without the safety net of Mom standing near by.
Unfortunately that means that they have, at times, been exposed to behaviors I don’t approve of in my own home. But I’m proud to see how well they interact with new people because of the developing they’ve had to do apart from me.
These are just a few characteristics I’ve noticed in both of my children over the past couple of weeks. I’m amazed at how well they’ve adapted to having two parents who work, and I’m appreciative of the life skills they’re gaining as a result.
Of course, I don’t mean to suggest that the children of stay at home moms are somehow less fortunate or that they can’t develop independence and social confidence. But I know that in my own family, these behaviors have come as a direct result of my working - and I’m not sure I would have known how to instill them in my kids if I wasn’t working.
It’s nice to remind myself that everything can provide an opportunity for my kids to grow and learn - even my working outside of the home.
How has working outside of the home helped your kids?
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Honestly, I think that all sorts of situations force all sorts of positive traits and skills in kids. Thinking of all the kids I know of parents who work and all the kids I know of parents who stay home or even home school, I’d say that every kid seems to use the situations he/she finds himself in to develop - or not develop - in positive ways. I couldn’t tell which kids were home schooled and with parents all day long any more than I could tell which kids were at day care before school and after school. I think that any change in situation will make more obvious the skills that haven’t been honed up until that point.
Having been a WOHM, SAHM, WAHM and various times during all three of my children’s development, it’s just not clear cut to me which parts of their personality or abilities are attributable to which situation, any more than I can separate nurture or nature or phase of the moon.
In other words, I think it’s all good in so much as each situation brings challenges and that children are supported through. Just as children in each situation are liable to fall back into a comfort zone of behavior and need to be pushed a bit to keep learning.
Jozet at Halushki | July 8th, 2009 at 11:08 am
I agree with you that, in my family, working outside of the home has a lot more positives than negatives. We have learned to work together as a unit to ensure that our day runs as smoothly as possible. Sure we hit snags but now that they are getting older, it’s getting better.
The same thing can be said for my family when I was growing up - it taught us to work together to get things done.
Sheila | July 8th, 2009 at 11:18 am
I’m lucky to have the best of both worlds — I work full time, but am only in the office part time. My kids don’t go to daycare, they stay with grandma and grandpa during that time. Having to spend time away from their parents for a good chunk of the week has exposed them to new experiences that I alone would not be able to offer — my in-laws have different interests than I do, but are things that I think are great to teach my children. They’ve also developed an incredible relationship with their grandparents in the process.
They’ve also had to get use to being away from us at a very early age, and are therefore don’t suffer from separation anxiety.
And for mommy — it makes me REALLY appreciate the time I do have with them!!!
Tracy | July 8th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I think that my son is alot more social and a lot more confident because he goes to school. He also loves playing with all of the kids there. He looks forward to going every day and runs out the door. When he changed classes a couple of months ago, he was very different but we are overcoming that and he is now back to running into his class excitedly every day. He has a lot more friends than the kids I know that have SAHM’s and he enjoys them a lot. Yes, he has also learned some bad things, but the good far outweigh the bad. And he is a lot more independant because of it, too.
Oceans Mom | July 8th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Ahem!
I think my daughter is defintely more social and less anxious in newer places. She is more confident.. and will get over her anxiety byherself.
Long term, i think, seeing a working mother will definitely make her respect women in general. And definitely be more independent.
I know, i respect my mother for all the multi tasking she does.
Of course there is a catch, there are days when i am sulking at work, since i’d rather have a lazy day with her and enjoy her growing up years.. but am looking at the long term benefits!
GNSD | July 8th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Are working moms good for kids?
YES.
All good moms are good for kids whether they work for pay or not.
Robyn | July 8th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Being a working mom makes me a BETTER mother. I can’t sit still and I’ve never been the housewife type. If I stay indoors cleaning and watching the kids all day, I’m not a happy person to be around! However, working outside the home gives me a feeling of accomplishment, I don’t feel like I’m just a mother (although being a mother is the very best of my titles!). In return, I’m a much better mother to my children because I’m not always unnerved and on edge. I think the benefits there for my kids are obvious.
Kenya | July 8th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
With all the empirical data and experience out there, an objective and honest person really can’t categorically say a working mom is “bad” for kids. I could see this being a vigorous discussion 30 years ago, but now? Why do we still need to ask this question?
The real question should not be “should we work,” but “how should we go about it.”
I’ve been reading a book called “Ask the Children” about some research into how kids view their working parents. It’s not a great read, and a lot of it is obvious, but there are some interesting insights. The main message is that kids don’t want their parents to “not work.” They are positive on most aspects of our work life. But there are some areas where they’d like to see improvement, e.g., bringing home a lot of stress every day. So wouldn’t it be nice if we could get completely beyond the “should I work” question and never waste another ounce of emotion on it? Then we could focus more energy on being the most effective working moms we can be.
SKL | July 8th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
SKL -
I think that we keep going over it because it’s brand new for each of us when we start out. It doesn’t matter how many people have done it before, these are OUR kids now.
Does that make sense?
Miss Britt | July 9th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Both my parents worked, so I grew up with the belief that one should fend for oneself. I have two girls and I would like for them to see a role model.
Lakshmi | July 9th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Britt -
The thing is, why does this even come up? Do you question all the other things you recommence after children are born? Do you wonder if you should keep doing laundry, still drive your car, go to sleep at night? No! You probably have to revisit the “way” you do all of those things, but you don’t say to yourself, “is it good for my children if I get some sleep?” So why is going back to work different?
I honestly never question whether it’s good for my kids to have a working mom - although I could have chosen not to be one. In fact, there have been times when I’ve been tempted to quit my job for “me,” but I have chosen not to because I feel that would not be best for my daughters. 200 years ago, they would have seen me working every day, producing food, clothing, etc. That would have been great for them. Today, if I quit my job, they would see me doing what? I wasn’t raised to be a SAHM and I wouldn’t be an inspiration to them in that role. Maybe some mothers would, but I think they are the exception rather than the rule.
SKL | July 9th, 2009 at 8:37 am
“The thing is, why does this even come up? ”
I admire your confidence you in your parenting, truly.
I had my first child when I was 19 years old. I have questioned every single thing I’ve done as a parent or otherwise since then - at one time or another.
And, realistically, it comes up because of all the mixed messages we get, I think. The role of “woman” or “mother” is not nearly as clearly defined as the roles of “man” or “father” seem to be.
Miss Britt | July 9th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Can’t wait to read all the comments, but the obvious benefit I’ve seen, besides the ones mentioned above, is EDUCATION. Having my kids in a great daycare center, they’re learning and doing from a very early age. My five-year-old is MORE than ready for Kindergarten; I’m so excited, I think he’s going to blow his teachers away! (Maybe I’m slightly biased. LOL.)
Lee | July 9th, 2009 at 9:08 am
“The role of “woman” or “mother” is not nearly as clearly defined as the roles of “man” or “father” seem to be.”
Interesting comment. Is that a good or bad thing, in your opinion? Because nowadays, it seems the trend is toward making both male and female roles less “clearly defined” and more flexible.
I agree that we get mixed messages. I truly don’t understand why. I think that to the extent we can control the message (i.e., control what “we” say and write), we should keep pushing the idea that there are many valid, positive paths and each woman has the ability and the responsibility to figure out which one works best for her family. And we need to stop being defensive.
I do understand the value of an article such as this to provide validation to women who haven’t yet reached the point of losing their defensiveness. It’s just that I’d rather it wasn’t couched in doubt.
SKL | July 9th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I enjoyed reading this and appreciate the fact that you note that with all things come pros and cons. While working outside the home isn’t for everyone, I absolutely love it! I really feel like it helps me balance my motherly duties better. I have a two year son and we go to the park just about everyday after I pick him up from daycare. I realize that quantity doesn’t necessarily mean quality. He appreciates that he gets to spend 2 -3 hours a day of uninterrupted time with me. I don’t answer the phone, the computer is off and it’s all about him. So I feel like the biggest benefit is him knowing that we have a special time to spend with each other on a daily basis.
from the desk of ...me | July 9th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I think the things you point out have more to do with your kids’ personalities than your work. My oldest has been completely dressing herself since she was under 3, and tying shoes since around her 3rd birthday (a mysterious skill we didn’t actually teach her). Our middle child is the same.
On top of the fact that they don’t go to daycare, they are also homeschooled, and they are still outgoing in social situations. They love being around new kids and adults.
In my opinion, moms that think daycare makes their kids better aren’t giving themselves enough credit.
Kristie | July 9th, 2009 at 11:28 am
My father grew up in a home with a working mother. Because my grandmother worked, and my dad was the oldest child, he was responsible for getting dinner ready every night. My grandmother would call home from work at 4 pm and give him detailed instructions on how to get dinner ready. The result is that my dad is an excellent cook and has instilled in all of us a love for all things culinary.
Rebecca | July 9th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I am happy as I am reading so many positive messages about a full-time working mom. I quited a full-time job for now and want to come back after giving birth. But last night, my husband said to me,” I won’t object your come back, but I hope you work as a part timer, because I can’t follow and help the childrearing due to my overwork.” And my mother-in-law is SAHM, so she believes children should be brought up by their own mother. But I really think that to be brought up by only one person isn’t always happy in every respect. NOW I have confidence in my belief. Thanks ,everyone!!!
Keiko | July 10th, 2009 at 8:22 am
My daughter hasn’t benefitted in any other way than as my being the sole income provider for our family. She has a SAHD instead of a SAHM - but she is far and away more independent and socially “aware” than many babies her age, including her friends who are in day care. She’s never been (and I laugh at this sort of antiquated term I’ve heard used so often), “strange” or stranger shy; she approaches other kids, older and her age, and plays with them on her own at the park or playground…and she’s willful and determined.
This really sounds like a different perspective on the same debate as to whether or not children in day care are socially better off than those who remain at home with a single caregiver. I’ve never seen any conclusive resolution to that debate - there is plenty of anecdotal evidence (i.e. your blog and my response) to support both camps.
Until I see an overwhelming body of empirical evidence to suggest that daycare is more effective for social adaptation than home care or vice versa, my jury remains out.
But, if a parent chooses to view these positive aspects as being an unintended effect of working outside the home, great!
Phe | July 10th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Phe, I don’t think this equals the day care debate. Many kids with working moms don’t put their kids in “day care centers” - you are one example. My kids have a nanny. I don’t know what % of working moms have their kids in full-time group “day care,” but I don’t think it’s anywhere near 100%.
Traditional “day care” would have been a disaster for my older daughter when I first went back to work. But I still feel my kids benefited from my working. It made me a better mom, exposed them to “real world” stuff they would not have otherwise seen (via both me and their nanny), and helped them to start internalizing the basics of a career woman’s lifestyle. As they get older, I believe they will reap additional benefits - most unrelated to group surrogate care.
SKL | July 10th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
SKL - The way it was presented in this post seemed to me to be another form of the same debate. That’s all I was saying.
Phe | July 11th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
As hard as it is sometimes to drop the kids off in the morning at daycare - there are definite benefits. Both of my kids have practically zero separation when we’re leaving them with friends, family or a sitter. We’re practically begging them for a kiss goodbye! But it’s a great feeling to leave without a crying child begging you not to go.
Wends | July 12th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I also think that this depends on how much the mom works. My mom worked full time and it was fine. My son seems to benefit well and he loves going to school. I work full time. However, my husband was adamently against my going back to work. I thought this was strange as his mother worked as well. However, I came to realize that as a store manager, his mother always worked 60-70 hours a week (at least 6 days a week) and was never at any of his games, they never ate dinner together, etc. His father also worked very long hours and it was his brother who was 5 years older than him who was in charge of the house and the dinners. So, my husband has clearly seen that this is not the case with me and he is very happy with it. I think that some people have the idea that if you work, you do not spend time with your child and maybe its because they have also had a negative experience, perhaps as children.
Oceans Mom | July 14th, 2009 at 2:36 pm